


Distance

by Coryphee



Series: Height [2]
Category: Big Time Rush (TV)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:34:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 53,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25240987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coryphee/pseuds/Coryphee
Summary: Through a series of lovely little incidents Logan discovers he has feelings for Kendall and after their wonderful first date, they can't wait to be together. But what happens when Kendall's fear comes true and he finds out Logan keeps secrets from him?
Relationships: Kendall Knight/Logan Mitchell
Series: Height [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1809592
Comments: 48
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am completely overwhelmed by the amount of feedback I received on Height and I want to thank everyone for reading, leaving kudos and comments and bookmarking this story. I can not express how much it means to me and I dedicate this to all of you, for being so amazingly supportive.

Logan opened their bedroom door, only to turn back when Kendall’s hand curled around his wrist. Kendall kissed him softly, pulling him close. Logan smiled when their lips met and wrapped his arms around Kendall’s neck, happily joining in one more kiss before they left their room.

Kendall woke Logan up with soft lips on his neck two hours ago and they spent the rest of the morning kissing; still Logan couldn’t get enough. Not even twenty-four hours ago Kendall asked him on a date and today Logan couldn’t imagine ever spending a second apart again. He was floating, only held to the ground by Kendall’s hands on his back, and after this kiss he was ready to climb back in Kendall’s bed and not leave their room for the rest of the day.

“I wanted one more,” Kendall told him, brushing his lips to Logan’s forehead when he straightened up.

That was all it took for Logan to pull him in and connecting their lips again. "I don't think I want to stop."

Kendall's smile was blinding and Logan's cheeks flushed, but he found he didn't care anymore. Their date yesterday had been wonderful and since the first touch of their lips Logan knew this was it for him, he wanted to be with Kendall for the rest of his life. He wanted Kendall to know everything about him and to know everything about Kendall, because he wasn’t ever letting him go.

Logan was a realist and he knew that this feeling wouldn’t last, no matter how perfect Kendall was to him at that point. But for the first time, ever, Logan decided to ignore his head and follow his heart, because Kendall made him happier than he had been in a long time and he wanted to hold on to it for as long as he could.

Kendall pulled away when his stomach growled and smiled apologetically. “As much as I love this-”

“I know,” Logan sighed.

“I’m sure we’ll find another opportunity later.”

Logan nodded and went ahead into the kitchen, glad to find it was just James at the kitchen table. He didn’t have to hide just how much Logan loved being around Kendall for a while longer. “Good morning,” Logan told him.

James didn’t look up from his phone. “Hey.”

Logan made coffee and Kendall prepared cereal for the two of them. Every time Kendall passed him he would brush his hands along Logan’s back and it had him smiling widely by the time he filled three mugs. He placed one of them in front of James before sitting next to Kendall at the table. “Thanks,” James said gratefully when he looked up, immediately reaching for it.

“No problem.”

James met his eyes, but his gaze was quickly drawn by something below Logan’s face. He cocked his head to study him and pursed his lips before turning to Kendall. “Really, dude? You think he can go out like this?”

Kendall grinned. “No,” He answered bluntly.

Logan frowned when he looked between the exasperation on James’ face and the smirk on Kendall’s. “What?”

“You’re covered in hickeys,” James told him. “There’s at least ten.”

Kendall put a hand on his neck when Logan turned to glare at him, gently running his thumb along what Logan assumed was a hickey. “It’s not so bad,” Kendall told him.

Logan knew about the once from last night, but he had not been paying attention as much this morning; he had been on a quest to see what made Kendall moan the loudest. “For some reason I don’t believe you.”

“I have cover-up,” James interjected.  
  
“Thank you,” Logan told him gratefully.

“You’re fucking lucky Mrs. Knight took Katie shopping today. You look obscene.”

"She texted me they were out," Kendall replied. "I wouldn't have let him go out like this."

Logan was thankful that Kendall had a sense of propriety and went back to his cereal.

James shook his head. “This feels like a good time to tell you that Carlos knows. And Stephanie.”

His spoon froze halfway up to his mouth as Logan stared at James. “How?” Kendall asked him, who recovered faster.

“I slept in Logan’s bed last night, you know, since I was banished from my own room. You look adorable cuddling, by the way.”

Kendall rolled his eyes and put his hand on the back of Logan’s chair. “Get to the point, James.”

“This morning Carlos came barging into the room, demanding to know where you were. He thought you were kidnapped or something, since you were supposed to be in my bed. Your secret was pretty much out then, I couldn’t come up with a decent lie.”

Logan pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. He didn’t mind that Carlos knew Kendall and he were in a relationship, but he would’ve liked to tell him himself. Kendall ran a hand down his back and one look at his face told him Kendall felt the same way. “It’s fine. We’ll talk to him later,” Logan said.

Kendall nodded and turned back to James. “How did Stephanie find out?”

"Carlos told her the moment she walked into the apartment this morning."

"Of course. Why keep a secret," Kendall deadpanned. Logan shook his head in exasperation. At this rate the whole hotel would know before the day was up.

"I think Stephanie and I got it through to him that he wasn't supposed to tell anyone else," James added. "Though I think it's fair she knows, he loves that girl."

Logan nodded, he didn’t mind that Stephanie knew either. She was smart and would keep Carlos from running his mouth, between the four of them they might manage to keep him quiet about their secret. Logan guiltily decided that he needed to spend time with them soon, because he had to admit he didn’t know a whole lot about the girl that made his best friend so happy. Logan was eternally grateful for Stephanie, for putting up with Carlos’ craziness.

“It’s fine she knows,” Kendall agreed.

“Anyway,” James continued. “The bright side to Carlos finding out is that you get your room back; we made up while gossiping about the two of you.”

“What gossip?” Kendall asked dryly. “We’ve had one date.”

"And when you came back you were about to _fuck_ ," James answered, emphasising the last word excessively.

Kendall raised an eyebrow. "So you shared that with Carlos?"

"Of course!" James said, absolutely delighted. "Let's call it payback, you know, for making out in front of me. These innocent eyes did not need to see that."

Kendall snorted, but Logan felt his cheeks flush. He wondered what the hell came over them, to push it that far in front of their fried. Kendall rubbed softly with his thumb along his back, soothing him somewhat. "Sorry," Kendall told James. “But I’ve seen you do much worse.”

“No, you haven’t.”

Kendall raised an eyebrow. “I still remember Vegas.”

“What happened in Vegas?” Logan asked curiously.

“Remember the concert last year? James found himself a male stripper at the after party and by the time they reached our room they were ready to-”

James cleared his throat. “Kindly shut the fuck up.”

Kendall laughed. “I’ll just tell him later.”

“Let’s not? This isn’t meant for innocent ears.”

Logan knew that was a dig meant for him and he was bluntly reminded that while Kendall was unaware he never had sex, James definitely knew.

Kendall rolled his eyes and took another mouthful of cereal. James took the opportunity to wiggle his eyebrows at Logan meaningfully and even though Kendall missed that little exchange, he still wished he could sink through the floor.

“Carlos and I also had a delightful discussion about how we ruined your first kiss with our little fight the other day.”

The image of James and Carlos sitting on his bed together filled Logan’s mind -the two of them laughing and watching Kendall and him sleep in the other bed- but he was glad the conversation moved on from sex. “I’m glad that was fun for you,” Logan told him.

"Lighten up, Logie. I'm moving back in with Carlos, so you'll get your room back. Now you can finally get some, you should be happy!"

"Lay off, James," Kendall told him and Logan was eternally grateful that Kendall answered, because he didn’t know how to. This was now the second times James hinted that he was a virgin and Logan was immensely uneasy with the situation.

James ignored Kendall's request entirely and continued prying. "So did you do it? I know I told you not to, but the with the way you were on Logan I really can't be sure."

"We didn't," Kendall told him, entirely unconcerned with James’ interest in their sex life. "Now let it go."

"Fine," James said, but Logan knew him well enough to know he'd bring it up again. "Who are you going to tell?"

Logan wondered about that briefly, yesterday before their date. He didn't think it was a good idea to come out to the public; they didn't discuss it with the label yet and they only just had their first date. Today Logan was convinced that he never wanted anyone else again, but a lot could happen in just a few weeks. "We haven't talked about it yet," Logan answered James, then met Kendall's eyes. "Though I think we should tell your mom."

"Yes," Kendall agreed. "Before Carlos tells her, preferably."

"Or before she walks in on you making out," James added.

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Or that."

"Though we all know you don't mind that, fucking exhibitionists."

"Or you're a pervert, for staying to watch," Kendall retaliated.

"Can we please stop talking about this?" Logan pleaded.

James laughed and Kendall shook his head in exasperation. "We'll tell mom and Katie later tonight," Kendall said. He'd finished his cereal and moved his chair closer to Logan's to curl his arm around his waist. "What about Gustavo?"

"Don't tell Gustavo," James warned before Logan could answer.

Both of them looked up. "Why not?"

"Because he flipped when some website published a photo of me making out with some guy last year, said it was bad publicity."

"What the hell?" Kendall asked.

"Are you sure it was because of the guy and not because you were caught making out?" Logan inquired worriedly.

"No, it was definitely because of the guy."

Kendall frowned. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"The picture was never picked up by mainstream media and my next date was with Aubrey Stewart, so Gustavo let it slide. I'm not sure how he'll react to two bandmates dating."

"I'm not hiding," Kendall answered immediately. "Screw him."

Logan took Kendall's free hand and laced their fingers. His mind was going a mile a minute to figure out why Gustavo would react like that. "I don't think Gustavo gives a shit we're dating, his concern is with our image."

"I don't give a fuck about our image."

"I do," James interrupted.

Logan saw Kendall was about to go off and squeezed in his hand to get his attention. "We’ll only be hiding for a little while," Logan told him, hoping Kendall picked up he was hinting at their conversation from the day before. If Logan decided to go to med school and they decided to end the band, it didn't much matter what Gustavo had to say about it. Once tour was over they would be free to do as they pleased, that meant six months of hiding at the most.

Kendall stared in his eyes for a few moments, his grip on Logan's waist tight. Eventually he nodded and Logan smiled, leaning in to kiss him. Kendall took the opportunity to pull him in his lap, nuzzling Logan's cheek when he pulled away from the kiss. "Okay," He told Logan. "I'll keep quiet."

"At least once we tell your mother we won't have to hide in the apartment," Logan said optimistically, feeling his butterflies twirl around happily when Kendall smiled at him.

"That's true."

"See? Exhibitionists," James jeered.

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Don't you have anything better to do?"

"I'm waiting for you to let go of your boyfriend long enough so I can cover up the hickeys."

It was the first time anyone had used the word 'boyfriend' to refer to them and Logan was surprised by how much liked hearing it. He met Kendall's eyes and bit his lip to keep from smiling when he saw the light in them. Kendall squeezed Logan to him and kissed him softly.

"Well?" James asked impatiently.

"Right," Kendall answered. He downed the last of his coffee and pushed Logan off his lap. "Go fix your neck. I'll see if I can find Carlos anywhere so we can officially tell him we're dating."

"Can you bring him here? I'd like to be there."

Kendall nodded. "I will."

Logan smiled up at him and a second later Kendall's lips were back on his. He wrapped his arms around Kendall's neck, gladly pulling him closer when Kendall's hands curled around his hips. Kendall leaving to get Carlos was the first time they would separate since yesterday and even though it would be for a short while, Logan didn't like one bit of it.

"Are you kidding me?" James asked, clearly annoyed. "What's it gonna be like when Mrs. Knight moves out?"

Kendall pulled away and smirked at James. "More of this, for sure."

"Just go? I believe Carlos and Stephanie are having breakfast in a cabana."

Kendall left one last sweet kiss on Logan's lips before walking out the door. Logan stared after him, only distracted when James cleared his throat. "You need to work on that," James told him.

"Sorry. I've never had this before."

James' face softened and he smiled. "I know. And I'm happy for you. Not so much for Kendall though, he bugs me."

Logan laughed. "Thank you. I guess."

James ushered him towards the bathroom. "Let's go clear up your neck. I have places to be."

Logan nodded and let James position him in front of the mirror. His cheeks were red again when he saw just how many little purplish spots were along his neck and he decided that he really needed to talk to Kendall about this. The hickeys were fun and cute the first time, when this was still new to them, but he never wanted anyone to see him like this. "Yeah, it's bad," James commented when he saw Logan's blush. "Though I guess it's cute Kendall likes you so much."

"You think?" Logan asked hopefully.

James met his eyes in the mirror and raised his eyebrows, as if he didn’t comprehend how Logan missed something so obvious. James shook his head and pulled out a tube of something, applying a generous layer of its contents to Logan’s skin. “Tell me about your date,” He requested in favour of answering Logan.

“It was amazing,” Logan answered, his lips spreading in a smile. With Kendall gone he felt relatively safe from any teasing from James.

“Where did you go?”

“Kendall gave me a choice between going to the movies or hiking up to the waterfall I wanted to see.”

James pulled his nose up. "The mosquito one?"

"Yes. He brought a blanket and bathing suits and we had a picnic next to it."

"Romantic," James commented, taking out a sponge to spread the concealer evenly along his skin.

"It was."

"Come on, Logan. Dish," James urged him. “I need details.”

Logan frowned. "It feels weird to tell you."

"Why? You've always told me about your dates."

“Yes, when you didn’t know the other party. This was a date with Kendall.”

“So?”

“So I don’t want to tell you anything that’s private.”

James snorted. “Right. You know Kendall talks to me too? I can literally tell you all the places he’s done it in.”

Logan blinked a few times, because that was a part of the friendship between Kendall and James that he’d happily ignored until now.

“Carlos talks to you whenever he’s fighting with one of us, Kendall does about feelings and shit, but you all come to me when it comes to dates and sex.”

“Oh.” Logan went to James for help with Camille years ago and again when he first wanted to experiment a bit last year, but he didn’t know Carlos and Kendall did too. Logan was impressed that James managed to keep this to himself.

“Kendall never told me about you though,” James told him, answering the question Logan didn’t want to ask. “That was a surprise to me.”

“He was scared to tell me,” Logan answered fondly, then immediately wanted to take it back. “Shit. This is the stuff I don’t want to tell you.”

“I won’t say anything,” James promised. “You’re still allowed to talk to your friends though.”

“What do you mean?”

“That when something’s bothering you, you don’t need to suck it up for Kendall’s sake. If you need to talk about anything to me or Carlos he’ll just have to deal with it.”

Logan met James’ eyes in the mirror and was taken aback by the fierce sincerity. “Thank you.”

James smiled at him briefly, then angled Logan’s head, so he had better access to his neck. “Did you tell him about Julian?”

“He knows of Julian,” Logan said carefully. “I mentioned him a couple times while that was still going on, but we never went into specifics.”

“Kendall doesn’t know you never had sex.”

“He doesn’t,” Logan confirmed, annoyed when he was reminded of James’ teasing earlier. “Would you stop hinting at it when he’s around? I’d like to tell him myself.”

James shrugged. “I won’t anymore. I thought you would have told him though.”

“I didn’t get a chance to yet.”

“Last night you had a perfect opportunity,” James deadpanned. “‘Hey, Kendall, I’ve never had sex before and I don’t think that’s a good idea after our first date.’ What would you have done if I wasn’t there?”

“I don’t know.”

“I do,” James told him. “You would’ve gone through with it.”

Logan rolled his eyes and gripped tightly onto the sink as James continued working on his neck. He didn’t understand why James was up in his business. Yes, he and Kendall were his best friends, but that didn’t mean he got to interfere in everything they did.

“Kendall’s had sex,” James told him after a couple of minutes.

“I know.”

“A lot.”

“What is your point?”

“I don’t want you to make a mistake.”

“What?” Logan asked, straightening up to look into James’ face. “Do you think this is a mistake?”

“No,” James sighed. “Sorry, that came out wrong. I just don’t want you to regret anything.”

“I don’t think I would’ve regretted it if I had sex with Kendall.”

“You regretted Julian,” James reminded him gently.

Logan paused. “For a whole other reason,” He muttered.

James put his hands on his shoulders and turned him back to the mirror, pulling out another flask of something. “You clearly don’t want my opinion, but since you owe me for this you’ll just have to suck it up. It is a mistake to have sex so soon. I know you and right now you’re happy and excited and that makes you blind. You have been friends with Kendall for years and I don’t think that would ever change, even if this doesn’t work out between you, but it would be a lot harder for you to get over him when you take that step.”

“You have casual sex all the time and you don’t get attached.”

“No offence, but we’re very different people and you can’t separate sex and feelings like I can.”

Logan opened his mouth to protest, only to close it when he couldn’t come up with an answer. James was right and Logan knew he was only this defensive because he didn’t want to admit how easily he got attached to someone. Julian had been a huge misjudgement on his part and Logan didn’t like to be reminded of him. He knew that he had to tell Kendall he never had sex, he deserved to know, but Kendall would have questions and that would lead to Logan telling him about the whole Julian situation and Logan wasn’t at all ready to relive that yet.

“Kendall won’t pressure you into anything,” James said quietly. “But you have to provide him with the right context, because Kendall thinks you’ve had sex and he might move faster than you want him to.”

“I can just tell him I want to stop.”

“Logan, I wouldn’t be pushing this conversation if I thought you were capable of that.”

Logan cast his eyes and James placed his hands on his shoulders, squeezing softly. “I know you hate talking about this, but I hope you know I’m just looking out for you.”

“I know,” Logan whispered, fighting the tears threatened to escape.

“Tell Kendall,” James urged him gently.

“I will.”

“I mean it, Logan. Not just for your sake.”

Logan looked up at the urgency in James’ voice and was taken aback by the concern on James’ face. “Kendall is head of heals in love with you and I think it would kill him if he hurt you, even unintentionally.”

“No, he’s not,” Logan answered, focusing only on the first thing James said.

James smiled involuntarily and shook his head.

“Really. We’ve had one date.”

“All I know is the guy can’t keep his hands of you and I haven’t seen him so damn happy and proud since the last time we won the hockey league.”

Logan laughed in surprise.

“Anyone who spends three seconds with you two will say the same thing. We can ask Carlos when he gets here,” James suggested.

“Don’t,” Logan said. “It’s not true.”

James raised an eyebrow, but didn’t retaliate. He sprayed something on Logan’s neck and stepped away, studying his work. “This should do it.”

Logan observed James’ work in the mirror and he had to agree, none of the hickeys were showing. “Thank you,” He said gratefully.

“No problem. Well, maybe a little bit. I really don’t want to do this again.”

“I’ll talk to Kendall,” Logan promised, because he really didn’t want to have to go through this again either.

“Please do.”

Logan knew James wasn’t talking about the hickeys anymore and he turned around to nod. “I will.”

“Good,” James said. “Because I think your relationship might just work out.”

The front door opened before Logan could answer and they walked back into the kitchen. Kendall came back with Stephanie and a bouncing Carlos. “Logan! Is it true? Kendall wouldn’t tell me until you were there.”

Logan grinned. "Yes. But I think you already knew that."

"James said so, but maybe you had a nightmare and Kendall slept next to you because you were scared. You used to do that when we were kids."

Logan stared at him, because as far as he was aware neither James nor Carlos knew about.

"We're dating,” Kendall told Carlos.

"This is so exciting! Now I can go on double dates with my best friends."

“Thanks, pal,” James said dryly.

Logan cringed slightly and saw Kendall glance at James as well, but their other friends just pursed his lips.

Carlos realised his mistake then. "Oh, no. You can come too."

James rolled his eyes, but perked up when his phone rang. "Sorry, gotta take this." He disappeared into the back hallway quickly and Logan heard a door close behind him.

"That wasn't nice of you," Stephanie scolded. "You need to think before you speak."

"James will get over it," Carlos answered, unconcerned. "I think I insult these guys at least once a day and they still want me around."

Logan laughed, because while it wasn't once a day, Carlos did very often insult them unintentionally. "You don't have to worry about that," Kendall told him.

"They love me," Carlos told Stephanie.

Stephanie shook her head. "One of these days..."

"Hey, Logan?" Carlos asked, ignoring Stephanie while taking her hand.

"Yeah?"

"When you asked me that stuff about that book the other day, were you talking about Kendall?"

Logan met Kendall's eyes briefly and he was glad that he'd already told him about that conversation the day before, but he still blushed when he saw Kendall's grin. "Yes," He answered.

"That's so cute! I gave good advice, right?"

"The best," Kendall told him before Logan could answer.

Carlos turned back to Stephanie. "See? I can give good advice!"

"I never said you didn't, baby."

Logan took Carlos' distraction as an opportunity to walk around the counter to get closer to Kendall and he smiled gladly when his arms closed around Logan's waist. "Hey," Kendall murmured, pressing his lips to Logan's hair.

"Hi," Logan answered, placing his ear over Kendall's heart. It unnerved him how much he'd missed Kendall for the half hour he was away to look for Carlos.

"Your neck looks good."

"Yeah, James did a good job."

"Sorry for that, next time I'll leave hickeys in places you can cover with clothes."

Logan smiled, but the coil in his chest tightened at the hint in Kendall’s words. This wasn’t just innocent banter and he knew James was right; he needed to talk to Kendall. _But not today_ , Logan decided, because they were already telling Mrs. Knight and Katie about them later and he could only handle so many difficult conversations. "Maybe next time I'll give you some,” Logan answered, biting his lip when Kendall’s eyes darkened.

“Fuck.” Kendall cupped his cheek and brushed his thumb along his bottom lip to free it before brushing their lips together briefly. "Looking forward to that.”

* * *

Logan spent the first two hours of the afternoon playing video games with Kendall, Carlos and Stephanie. James joined them an hour later, in a significantly better mood. Logan shared a look with Kendall when James didn’t even go off at Carlos ruffling his hair; he’d definitely been talking to Lucy. The women came home from her shopping trip and Mrs. Knight told them to go do something useful with their day off, ordering them to go play outside after requesting they’d all be back for family dinner and a movie night.

Carlos and Stephanie vanished to do their own thing and James took Kendall along to the gym. Kendall had given him a look that clearly said he’d rather follow Carlos’ example and find a supply closet with Logan, but Logan needed to study and Kendall reluctantly went with James.

Logan didn’t lie about needing to get schoolwork done, but once he got to his desk he didn’t feel like it anymore. He spent half an hour mindlessly scrolling through his essay before he gave up. Logan knew exactly why he was distracted, but he tried desperately not to let those thoughts back into his head. For nearly a year he’d managed to suppress the memories from his time with Julian and he really hoped he could keep on doing that indefinitely. However, James was right when he told him to talk to Kendall.

Two years ago Big Time Rush started gathering nationwide recognition. Gustavo sent them to every party he could get them in to, with the order to start networking and make a name for themselves. James, Kendall and Carlos jumped at the opportunity and Logan went along with it. Logan didn’t do well with people, generally, but Gustavo completely blindsided him. Until the first party, he was blissfully oblivious to what he was getting himself into.

James was completely unattached and Hollywood Parties were exactly his cup of tea, finding guys and girls to fool around with every weekend. Kendall wasn’t much better; Jo just left for New-Zealand and he entered into a slutty phase. Kendall was always a people person and he easily found girls to take upstairs, though the first time Logan saw him making out with a guy had been a bit of a shock. Carlos was a social butterfly and while he always found people to hang out with, but he rarely received more than a kiss from a girl.

The whole situation baffled Logan, because he still felt like the twelve-year-old in middle school his peers barely looked twice at. He dated Camille for a bit when they just arrived at the Palm Woods, but mostly because she came onto him so strongly. She broke it off for good when she realised Logan had no idea what he was doing. As he watched James flirt with another girl and Kendall dance with some guy and even Carlos was trying to hit on the chicks from New Town High, Logan felt completely incompetent and clueless.

A couple months in Logan confided in James, who found Logan’s cluelessness hilarious, but also promised to help Logan the next party they went to. James helped him dress up and spent the entire night by his side, pointing out different girls for Logan to hit on and giving him useful suggestions on how to go about it. However, Logan found excuses to shot down each one and James was getting fed up with him. He returned from the bar with a tray of shots and after making Logan drink a couple, told him he needed to start fishing in a different pond and started pointing out guys.

Logan had never felt as uncomfortable in his life as when a very tipsy James whispered to him what it was like to fuck a dude and by the end of the night James had him convinced that Logan was at least as bisexual as James and Kendall were.

Logan needed a week to come to terms with that, because he had never even considered the possibility he might be into guys. In retrospect Logan knew that was terribly short-sighted of him, since he’d watch James and Kendall go at it with several dudes, but then again, Logan was unaware of most of what he felt. But at the end of the week, Logan came to the conclusion the only reason not to try dating a guy were his bigoted parents. Their opinion didn’t much matter to Logan anymore after two years in LA.

Once at the party Logan almost chickened out. At exactly the right moment, James popped up -after securing his date for later that night. James had Logan drink until he lost most of his inhibitions, before strategically placing him at the end of the bar. On the other end of it was one of the most gorgeous people Logan had ever seen, a tall guy with sandy hair and piercing blue eyes, who made Logan’s stomach flip when he smiled at him. James told him that if he didn’t make a move within half an hour, he’d ditch the girl and go after that guy, but before ten minutes were up the guy came over and introduced himself to Logan.

James winked at him and left them alone. Logan’s heart nearly stopped several times due to the nerves, but Julian was calm and friendly and didn’t come on strongly. They talked about Big Time Rush and Julian’s TV show and music and his hometown in Canada and Logan’s aspiration to be a doctor and before long, Logan was enjoying himself. Julian made him feel good and flirted just the right amount and at the end of the night he found himself pressed up against a wall, making out like he’d seen James do countless times.

They exchanged numbers and after that Logan never complained about going to a party again. James was extremely pleased with himself for turning Logan’s dating life around. Kendall noticed something changed and raised his eyebrows in amusement every time Logan let something slip about Julian, but never asked further. Carlos complained to him that he had no one to hang out with at parties, as Logan had been his go to friend to hang out with when he was rejected again. Logan felt terrible for leaving his friend alone and told him he was hiding out in bathrooms, reading his books until it was time to go home.

That was only half a lie, because Logan spent a lot of his time at parties in bathrooms. Julian and Logan met up at most of the parties Gustavo sent the band to and after simply making out the first couple times, Julian’s hands started wandering. Logan suggested going on a date first, to meet without alcohol at play and to have a proper conversation, but Julian shut that down by relaying the tale of his bigoted producers and how he would surely be fired if he was caught with a guy.

Logan felt bad and agreed to keep their adventures a secret; he had met enough people in Hollywood to know how powerful producers were. They sought out bedrooms and bathrooms to fool around in and in the beginning, Julian made a point of making Logan feel special with sweet words and little presents beforehand. They were moving further each time they were alone, but Logan didn’t think much of it. He’d seen Kendall make out with a hand up a girl’s shirt and James grinding into another dude on the dancefloor, jerking Julian off didn’t seem like a big deal.

However, as the weeks passed their talks got fewer and Julian stopped sweet talking him, until the point where he greeted Logan with two shots and a nod towards the room of his choice. After the first time Logan gathered up enough courage to drop to his knees and pleasure Julian orally, he never wanted everything else. Logan assumed most guys weren’t very romantic, but he missed closeness afterwards.

They fell into a routine so slowly that Logan didn’t even notice Julian stopped returning the favour. He had himself convinced that he liked Julian, that if it wasn’t for his homophobic producers they would be going out on dates and Logan could introduce him to his friends. Logan wanted to wait it out, see if Julian would get a better opportunity on another show and actually start dating then. Logan convinced himself that he didn’t mind dropping to his knees and giving Julian blowjobs, even though the hand behind his head scared him and Julian always left rather quickly when it was over.

Logan tried a few times to hold off on the sexual part of their evenings, but eventually Julian got annoyed with him and he told Logan about his very stressful workdays and how he looked forward to finding some release all week and would Logan please just take care of it?

Later Logan was able to pinpoint the exact moment he realised Julian was using him. After a few months of weekly blowjobs, Julian brought back the little presents and the sweet words. He called Logan ‘babe’ and cuddled after Logan sucked him off. But when Julian tried to slide his hand down the back Logan’s pants, Logan stopped him and once more suggested trying to have an actual relationship. Julian had gone off on him and yelled at Logan about how he had waited months for this, that he always came to the parties Logan was sent to and didn’t he want to find out what it was like to be fucked by a real man?

Fortunately, Logan ran into James almost immediately after leaving the bathroom. Julian followed him out and tried to coax Logan into coming back with him, but had taken James just one look at Logan’s face to tell he didn’t want to. James dealt with Julian and after finding a quiet place where he calmed down, Logan confessed everything that happened since he met Julian.

James felt horrible for pushing Logan towards this guy and kept apologising, but Logan told him he just wanted to forget. He asked James not to tell Kendall and Carlos, because he didn’t need Carlos coddling him and Kendall watching over him everywhere he went, but mostly because the humiliation Logan felt was unbearable.

Logan refused to go to parties until he found out Julian moved back to Canada. He returned to his wallflower-ways whenever attending a party was unavoidable and rejected advances from anymore guys. Carlos was happy Logan was available for him when his conquests didn't pan out and he knew Kendall noticed something changed, but for some inexplicable reason Kendall didn't pry it out of him. Logan was very grateful when James kept his promise and didn't tell him, because the idea of Kendall knew how gullible and dumb he'd been pained Logan deeply.

Thankfully, Gustavo didn't pressure him too much as long as he kept going about once a months and Logan still networked at more formal soirees.

Logan liked going to the smaller parties thrown by his peers at the Palm Woods better, because the familiar setting and people and the option to walk out kept his anxiety at manageable levels. He hung around with the guys and Camille and Lucy and was content to not date. As the months passed, Logan was able to suppress the awful memories of Julian until he reached a point where he barely thought about him.

Until Logan was brutally reminded.

It was one of the first times since Julian Logan felt comfortable drinking alcohol again and the game of 'Never have I ever' snuck up on him. Logan had fun watching his friends drink to various ridiculous or embarrassing suggestions, until Carlos pointed out that Logan had yet to take a sip. Everyone jumped at the chance to make him drink and began suggesting notions specifically for him. The pressure to give in increased as they kept coming up with stuff Logan had never done before and the girls started calling him a wuss. When it finally came down to admitting if he ever had sex before and Logan saw even Carlos raise his glass, he panicked and drank too.

The girls cheered, Carlos jumped on him with a million questions while Kendall watched on curiously and Logan was about to have a panic attack until James jumped in and distracted everyone with his own stories.

And so the lie was born.

Logan managed to avoid talking about it to Carlos and Kendall and eventually they left him alone, writing it off to Logan's introversion. 

His laptop went to stand-by and Logan ran the mouse along the screen to wake it up, only to bury his face in his hands after staring at his barely finished essay for a couple seconds. Logan knew Kendall wasn't anything like Julian. He was convinced that Kendall was the last person on earth to ever hurt him. But he also knew how much Kendall hated being lied to and how much he valued openness and honesty amongst his friends.

Not only had Logan told a very deliberate lie, the reason for that lie was a much bigger deal Kendall was also unaware of.

Logan hated lying to Kendall. He desperately wanted Kendall to know everything about him, to finally know what it was like to be with someone who wanted him for more than sexual favours. Yesterday he got a taste of what it was like to be with a guy who knew him so completely, so thoroughly, that Logan just had to look at him to show how he felt.

Julian put a huge dent in Logan's self esteem. Logan was a genius, how could he have been dumb enough to believe Julian wanted him for more than sex? All the signs were there; Julian lied about his intentions, pressured Logan into more than he was ready for and refused to provide him with very basic support.

James was completely right when he said Logan was unable to separate his feelings from sex. For James, and likely for Kendall too, the arrangement with Julian wouldn't have been a big deal. But Logan wasn't like them, he wasn't confident enough to walk away when it became clear Julian wasn't going to return the favour, he wasn't strong enough to tell Julian off about not wanting a genuine relationship.

Logan was sure that James didn't grasp just how much the Julian situation bothered him. When he had told James, right after running out on Julian, Logan felt empty and emotionless and he told the story apathetically, as if it wasn't his own. He didn't come to terms with the abuse until weeks later, when it finally dawned on him that Julian might even have been punishable by law for what he did to Logan.

How Logan got into the situation in the first place was incomprehensible to Logan, who kicked himself for being so naive and irresponsible. If a friend came to him with this story Logan would have told them to get the hell away from a guy like that. Julian was never going to give Logan what he wanted, that much had been obvious since he lied about his bigoted producer. How could he have been so stupid?

All Logan wanted was to fall in love, with someone who was kind and considerate and open. Logan wanted to go on dates, to spent nights holding hands in a movie theatre or in a restaurant where their feet would touch. Logan wanted to kiss because he could, not just so they could quickly move on to the next part. He craved intimacy, which was strange because usually Logan wasn't one to seek out other people.

His chest constricted painfully. Normally when his mind was too full of emotion Logan would run for solitude; hide away for a few hours and drown himself in fiction until he was calm. Now all Logan wanted was to go find Kendall.

Logan knew, he just _knew_ , that Kendall would tell him nothing about what happened with Julian was his fault. Kendall understood him, he would see through Logan's soul and know exactly how big the impact had been. Kendall would do everything in his power to make Logan feel comfortable and safe in their relationship.

James was right; Logan had to tell Kendall.

Logan pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes when black spots appeared. Too much happened the last few days. His mother disowned him, severing his last ties to Minnesota and leaving Logan without a family. He came to terms with his feelings for Kendall and they had an amazing, wonderful day together. Logan considered himself the luckiest guy alive, until James brutally reminded him of a past he desperately wanted pretend didn't exist.

Logan was well aware of his inability to deal with his emotions, but even a regular person would be overburdened by this much terrifying new feelings.

Just when he was ready to burst, the door opened and Logan stilled in his chair when he saw Kendall. "Hey. You coming?"

It took him a moment to find his voice. "Coming where?"

"To dinner?"

"Already?"

"We always eat at seven, Logie."

Logan glanced at the clock on the wall to see Kendall was right. He didn't register time passing. "Right."

"What were you doing?" Kendall asked, coming closer to look at Logan's desk. "Mom called you but you didn't respond."

"Um. Trying to determine the number of atoms in a carbon-12 molecule without using Avogadro's constant." His essay had nothing to do with chemistry and Logan prayed Kendall paid as much attention in that subject as he did in math. Everything inside him said this wasn't the time to tell Kendall about Julian and he needed to distract Kendall from his near panic attack. Mrs. Knight expected them for dinner and later they would have a movie night, Logan knew she wanted to spent time with them before she and Katie moved out. This wasn't his moment. 

"That sounds difficult," Kendall commented, placing gentle hands on Logan's shoulders.

"It is. I haven't figured it out yet," Logan mumbled, hoping his lie was enough explanation for why he didn't react when they called him.

"I'm sure you will," Kendall told him, taking his hand to pull him up. "Mom made lasagne."

Logan loved lasagne and he managed a smile, gladly sliding his arms around Kendall's waist when he pulled him close. Kendall smelled familiar and the warmth radiating from his body was glorious. Some of the anxiety ebbed away and Logan gladly laid his ear of Kendall's heart, listening to the steady thumping. "Nice," He answered, though he wasn't just referring to dinner.

Kendall pressed his lips to Logan's hair briefly. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Logan lied. "It just bothers me I can't find the solution to my problem."

Kendall chuckled and even though Logan felt terrible for lying more, he was glad Kendall bought it. "Can I help?"

"Do you know Avogadro's constant?"

"Not a chance," Kendall snorted.

Logan looked up at him. Kendall's eyes were light and happy and smiling and Logan didn't know what he did to deserve Kendall, but he would do everything he could to hold on to him. "It was nice of you to offer though."

Kendall brushed their lips together softly. "Are you still up for telling my mom?" He asked when he pulled away.

"Yes," Logan answered, though he felt some nerves crop up. Mrs. Knight was amazing and Logan didn't expect any trouble, but telling her he was dating her son was a big deal.

"Awesome. She'll be cool with it."

"You think?"

"Of course. I'm dating a future doctor. Parents love smart matches for their children."

Logan laughed. "What about the fact I've been your friend for ages and we also share a room?"

Kendall shrugged. "That's trivial, she'll move out in a couple weeks anyway."

"Alright," Logan answered.

"You just let me do the talking."

"Don't I always?"

Kendall grinned and kissed him again before pulling away. "Let's do this, Logie. It'll be fine."

They went into the kitchen and took their usual seats on one side of the table, James, Carlos and Stephanie were squashed together on the other side and Katie was at one short end, leaving the other for Mrs. Knight when she came to the table with lasagne. She also prepared chicken nuggets for Carlos and a salad for James and Logan realised once again just how much she did for them. He would definitely miss her when she moved out.

The first part of dinner they spent talking about their weekends. Both Kendall and Logan kept quiet, as most of their weekend had been about finally getting to kiss each other, but thankfully James and Carlos took the opportunity to explain their fight to Katie in great detail, who was annoyed she missed it.

"Hey, mom?" Kendall said when Katie finally stopped prying.

"Yes, honey."

"I'm dating Logan."

Silence fell over the table. Logan's fork froze halfway to his mouth and he stared at Mrs. Knight. He knew this was coming, but he didn't expect Kendall to drop the news so casually. Stephanie paused mid chew, James and Carlos stopped their dinosaur chicken fight and a slow smirk spread on Katie's face as she watched her mother with gleeful anticipation.

Kendall was the only one who kept eating as he calmly waited for his mother to respond.

"Okay," Mrs. Knight replied, setting her glass back on the table before she picked up her cutlery and continued eating.

Kendall grinned at Logan and ran a hand down his back before returning to his meal. Logan was completely bewildered as he looked between Kendall and his mother; whatever he expected to happen, this wasn't it.

"That's it?" Katie asked, channelling Logan's confusion.

Mrs. Knight looked up at her daughter. "What did you expect, honey?"

"You're supposed to be shocked and give them the talk! Embarrass them, make them switch rooms, that sort of stuff."

"Or yell at them," James suggested.

"Or faint!" Carlos added.

Mrs. Knight shook her head in exasperation. "This isn't much of a surprise, Kendall hasn't stopped talking about Logan in weeks."

Carlos and James burst out laughing. Kendall rolled his eyes and balled up a napkin, flicking it into Carlos' open mouth and effectively cutting the laughter. Logan knew he shouldn't even be surprised; Kendall wore his heart on his sleeve and rarely kept anything to himself. Also, Mrs. Knight was the original source of Kendall's and Katie's extraordinary perceptiveness. It made sense she figured it out. "This is priceless," James managed to say after dodging Kendall's napkin attack, the tears trailing down his cheeks.

"Come at me, pretty boy," Kendall challenged. "Start using this against me and I'll tell everyone what happened in the bathroom in New York."

The guys started a whole thing and Logan tuned them out to listen to Mrs. Knight and Katie. Mrs. Knight cocked her head and was watching her daughter curiously. "I'm surprise you didn't notice."

"Of course I noticed," Katie scoffed. "I did the moment Kendall started talking about Logan's smile, he's such a sap."

Logan's butterflies went nuts and he hid his smile behind his glass; how did he get lucky enough to land a guy like that?

Katie continued. "But you were still supposed to embarrass them, like a regular parent, so the rest of us could have a laugh."

"They're adults, Katie. Anything I can tell them they already know. And I trust them, they're very responsible young men."

Katie shook her head in exasperation and went back to her lasagne. Logan was thankful for whatever made Mrs. Knight this _cool_. Yes, they were technically adults, but Logan lived with her since he was sixteen and for now this was still her apartment; she could've come up with some ridiculous rules to keep the PDA at a minimum. Instead, she decided to be the coolest mother in the world.

Logan couldn't possibly love her more than he did in that moment.

Kendall nudged his knee and Logan met his smile, reassuring him he was okay. Kendall nodded and for a moment Logan thought he would lean in for a kiss, he was thankful when Kendall held back. Logan couldn't handle doing that in front of Mrs. Knight yet.

When dinner was over the guys, Stephanie and Katie gathered on the couch to pick which movies to watch. Logan sighed and started gathering the dishes they left so carelessly; the least he could do after Mrs. Knight cooked for them was help her clean up.

"You don't have to help me, honey," Mrs. Knight told him. "Go decide what movie we're gonna watch."

"I want to help. They never want to watch what I pick anyway." The last time Logan got to decide what movie to watch even she had fallen asleep halfway through his documentary.

Together they cleared the table and Logan rinsed the dishes for Mrs. Knight to place them in the dishwasher. Just when Logan finished wiping down the table she appeared next to him again. "Come talk to me for a little bit," Mrs. Knight requested, stepping out of the apartment into the hallway.

Logan nervously glanced at Kendall over on the couch, but he was preoccupied trying to get the others to watch Spiderman. Mrs. Knight only asked to talk to him when she was worried he wasn't okay or when he had done something wrong. The last time she took Logan apart was when he'd been quiet and withdrawn after Julian. Logan managed to hold her question off the same way he did with Carlos and Kendall then.

Slowly he followed her out of the apartment and closed the door, shoving his hands in his pockets. Logan didn't want a talk about his relationship with Kendall and he prayed this was about _anything else._

"Kendall and I were boxing up some stuff for the move before dinner when I mentioned I still had to call Sylvia, Brooke and Joanna about it."

He instantly regretted his earlier thought and he cast his eyes. "Oh," He mumbled.

"When he heard I wanted to call you mother, Kendall requested I tell Joanna to go fuck herself."

Logan smiled involuntarily. "Did he tell you why?"

Mrs. Knight nodded. "He didn't mean to, I pried it out of him."

"I should have told you after that phone call, I didn't mean to hide it from you."

"Oh, honey. It's okay. You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to, I just wanted you to know that I was aware of what happened."

Logan nodded.

"I'll also tell you that I agree with Kendall's sentiment wholeheartedly."

"Thank you," he answered gratefully. This was as close as he ever heard Mrs. Knight come to cursing and Logan felt infinitely better knowing she was on his side.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes," Logan answered, though the lie came out a bit too quickly. Logan wasn't okay, but his parents abandoning him didn't bother him as much as Julian did.

"I know you're not much of a talker, but I hope that you will about this. Kendall is a good listener, but if there's ever anything you don't feel comfortable telling him, I hope you'll come to me."

Logan nodded, the lump in his throat making it impossible to speak. Mrs. Knight was always more of a mother to him than his own ever was. Her words meant more to him than he could begin to tell her.

"Have you told James and Carlos?"

"Not yet," He admitted.

"Okay. I understand if you'd rather keep this to yourself and I won't tell them, but I think they'll tell you the same thing I just did."

Logan knew that was true. James pushed an awkward, uncomfortable conversation that morning, just because he was looking out for him. And had Carlos known, he would have tried to do the same thing. "I know."

Mrs. Knight nodded. "Good. I won't be calling your mother anymore."

He perked up. "No?"

"Once you turned eighteen I was no longer legally required to talk to your parents. Sylvia and Brooke asked me to keep the updates up, but the calls with Joanna were more of a courtesy from my part. A courtesy she doesn't deserve after the way she treated you."

Logan was taken aback when he heard the same fierce tone of voice Kendall used when he was mad. "Thank you," He repeated, fighting the traitorous tears in the corners of his eyes.

"I hope Kendall told you this, but you'll always be welcome in my family. I've known you boys since you were four years old and I loved you all from the day Kendall brought you home after school. After living with you for four years I can't imagine not having you and James and Carlos around for the rest of my life."

He looked up at her, but pulled his lip between his teeth before he could ask the question that threatened to escape.

However, Mrs. Knight, like her kids, was wickedly intuitive. "Even if your relationship with my son doesn't work out," She promised.

Logan nodded and hung his head when he couldn't keep his tears at bay. Mrs. Knight just offered him everything he wanted since he was sixteen. The first few months living in 2J with the people he loved most had been eye-opening; for the first time he learned what it was like to live with people that cared about him beyond how he did in school or his reputation within his mother's society. To know that Mrs. Knight wanted him to be part of that unconditionally meant everything.

"That said," She continued softly, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I hope it works out, because I am thrilled to have you as my son in law. Kendall could not have made a better choice."

Logan gladly accepted her hug and he stopped fighting the tears. His life would've been so different if not for Kendall's stubborn desire to keep him, James and Carlos close and her willingness to leave her life in Minnesota behind so they could try to make it as Big Time Rush. Between her, Katie, James, Carlos and Kendall, Logan knew he would have enough love in his life.

Especially with Kendall, who told Logan he was his favourite person in the world and who made Logan so deliriously happy just by being near him.

This was marked the third time today Logan felt the nearly painful urge to find him and hide away in Kendall's arms.

Mrs. Knight pulled away and Logan quickly dried his face with his sleeve. "Talk to us, Logan. You're not in this alone."

"I will," He answered. Logan wanted to, he just needed to find the courage to.

Mrs. Knight smiled at him briefly before walking back into the apartment. Logan hung back a moment, breathing deeply to calm himself. Today was too much, Logan reached his limit of feelings he could handle halfway through his talk with James. He was exhausted and he needed to think, but most of all he wanted Kendall.

Immediately upon entering the apartment Logan felt eyes on him. Kendall was already halfway out of his seat just by looking at Logan and he hopped over the back of the couch, following Logan into their bedroom. Logan fought to calm himself and somehow found the strength to smile at Kendall when he pulled him into a hug. "Hey."

"Hey, Logie."

And then Kendall's lips were on his and Logan finally stopped thinking; sinking into the blissful mindlessness that came over him when Kendall was near. Their first kiss was barely twenty-four hours ago and already Kendall's presence was so familiar to him Logan felt safe enough to lose himself in the strong body of his best friend in the world.

Kendall laced his fingers through Logan's hair when he pulled away and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "I'm okay," Logan told him before he could ask the question.

"Good. I was worried," Kendall admitted. "What did she say to you?"

"That you asked her to tell my mother to go fuck herself."

Kendall nodded, his nostrils flared in anger. "I did."

Logan stood on the tips of his toes to kiss him. "Thank you," Logan whispered. "For looking out for me."

He smiled at Logan, brushing his lips to his nose and then his forehead. "I always will," Kendall answered.

Logan moved his arms up to wrap them around Kendall's neck and kissed him again. After his mother disowned him Kendall held him close until he fell asleep, but this was a thousand times better. Kendall's lips were soft and their kiss was sweet and all Logan felt was how much Kendall wanted him too.

It was all Logan so dearly hoped to find in a relationship.

"As much as I love this," Kendall murmured when he pulled away. "I came here to talk to you."

"I'm okay," Logan repeated, playing with the hair in Kendall's neck.

"What did you talk about?"

"She wanted me to know you told her about the call with my mother and that she won't be calling her anymore. She also told me if there's ever anything I want to talk about I can come to her."

Kendall smiled and placed his forehead to Logan's. "That's good. I have a cool mom."

"The coolest," Logan agreed. "The way she handled our news was awesome. Katie was so disappointed."

Kendall shrugged. "Katie will deal."

"Your mom also told me she was thrilled to have me as her son in law."

"Well. Who wouldn't be?"

Logan blushed and leaned in for another kiss. The butterflies in his stomach fluttered contently and warm, fuzzy feelings pushed his distress into dark corners of his mind.

"What do you want to do?" Kendall asked. "Mom requested a movie night, but I think she'd be okay if we hung out here, given the circumstances."

"Let's watch the movies," Logan said. "I'm fine and I'd like to spend time with your mom and Katie while they're still living with us."

"Okay," Kendall agreed.

"And we'll still have tonight alone, right?"

Kendall smiled softly and leaned in for another kiss. "Yes, James should be moved back in with Carlos."

"Good. Last night was fine, but it really weirded me out that James and Carlos were both in here while we were sleeping."

"We'll lock the door tonight."

Logan nodded. Alone with Kendall behind a locked door? That meant making out at the very least, but given how willing Logan was to stop thinking today, that might lead to a lot more than Logan was ready for. The previous night had been a perfect example for that. Logan didn't regret a single moment, but he reluctantly admitted that was only because James stopped them just in time.

Making out with Kendall felt amazing and Logan already made up his mind about eventually having sex with him, but not before Kendall was aware of his whole story.

Logan hesitated when he stared into the soft green eyes looking down at him. He should handle this like jumping in the cold creek yesterday; blurt it out and just get it over with. They were alone and had a whole night ahead of them still, if he handled it right tonight would be the only time he had to talk about Julian. Logan would be honest and tell him everything, Kendall could ask his questions and afterwards Logan could go back to forgetting it ever happened.

Kendall narrowed his eyes slightly. "You sure you're okay?"

Logan nodded quickly. "Yes."

"You're taking the whole thing remarkably well," He commented. Kendall was back to talking about his parents.

"I knew it was a matter of time," Logan said. "I hate that it happened and I wish my parents were better people, but I only talked to her once a month and I haven't missed her once since we came to LA. There wasn't a relationship to mourn to begin with. It would've been different if I was still living with them, but I'm here, with you guys and I'm happier than I ever was with them."

Kendall nodded and ran his fingers through Logan's hair. "You'll always be welcome here, even-"

"I know, your mother told me the same thing," Logan answered softly.

"Good. Even if we're not... I really hate to think of it, but-"

"Me too," Logan interrupted, because once he got a taste of what it was like to be with Kendall he never wanted it to let him go. "So let’s not think of it."

Kendall kissed him hard and for a long time they didn't break apart, standing in the middle of the room and simply holding onto each other. "You sure you don't want to stay here?" Kendall murmured, running a few fingers up Logan's shirt.

Logan smiled and was tempted to give in when Kendall's mouth travelled down his neck. "Everyone will know exactly what we're doing if we don't show up."

"They already know, Logie."

"Yes, but we can still be discreet about it."

"Fine," Kendall sighed when he pulled away. "Your neck tastes like make up anyway."

"Whose fault is that?"

"Yours, for being so delectable."

Logan blushed and Kendall leaned in for one more kiss before he stepped back. "Let's go now, I can't control myself if we stay here."

They went back to the living room and Logan realised as they sat in the corner of the couch that he'd let the moment pass to talk to Kendall about Julian. He'd do so tomorrow, he decided when Kendall wrapped an arm around his waist and Logan curled up to his side. Logan wanted one more night to just be with Kendall and not worry about anything else.


	2. Chapter 2

On Monday Kendall was sitting with Logan in the lobby of Rocque Records, waiting to be called into the studio. They both looked up when their CEO came out of Gustavo's office and Kendall decided to take his chance.

"Griffin!"

Mr. Griffin looked up when Kendall called his name and regarded him with the same stony expression he always wore. Kendall was unfazed and stood up from his place on the couch next to Logan and jogged to catch up with him. "How are you?" Kendall asked him politely.

"Busy, Kendall. Very busy."

"I only need a minute, I walk down with you," He answered pleasantly, squeezing through Abdul and the bodyguard. After four year in the entertainment industry Kendall knew his way around, their CEO was very rarely actually busy; it was just a phrase he used to make people get to the point. 

'To the point' was Kendall's preferred style too. 

"I want you to fly Lucy Stone back to the United States so Big Time Rush can perform a duet with her at the Tween Choice Awards."

"Lucy Stone?" Griffin questioned. 

Abdul leaned over to whisper in his ear and Kendall presumed he was explaining who she was. 

"I didn't know I signed a rock artist," Griffin said surprised when Abdul stepped back. "I hear she's making me a lot money in Europe."

"She's a very popular singer, Mr. Griffin," Kendall told him. "And you didn't hear this from me, but I have a good friend who would be very happy to see her again."

"You want me to fly this girl out so one of your little friends can date her. Kendall, I'm not a romantic and I don't want her to be distracted while she's so successful at making me rich and expanding my influence in Europe."

"Yes, but don't you think the extra publicity both Lucy and Big Time Rush gain will weigh up to that? We haven't appeared in a lot of tabloids lately, I don't give a shit who James dates, but I think we might make a few covers when James and Lucy start dating."

Griffin hummed, but Kendall saw he was intrigued.

"Especially," Kendall said conspiratorially, leaning in close. "When Lucy goes back to Europe to finish her tour and they become star-crossed lovers, doomed to spent months apart while she finishes her Europe tour and then James goes on tour with Big Time Rush all summer. That will keep people talking about your biggest money makers at least for the rest of the year."

Kendall knew he hit jackpot when Griffin's face lit up. 

"Abdul, I just had a brilliant idea! Let's fly Lucy Stone out for the Tween Choice Awards. Contact her people, make it happen." Griffin turned back to Kendall. "I know better than to believe this is for the publicity, Mr. Knight, but if I do you this favour you need to make sure Mr. Diamond actually gets romantically involved with this girl."

"Consider it done," Kendall agreed. He didn't enjoy broadcasting their private lives, but in this case the goals justified the means. Besides, James didn't mind being in the spotlight at all and he was sure Lucy didn't give a shit about a couple of pictures in a magazine. 

Griffin and his companions stepped into the elevator and Kendall waved at them until the doors closed. That was probably the easiest it had ever been to convince Griffin of one of his plans. 

James owed him big time. 

Slowly Kendall made his way back to the lobby. An added bonus to James getting together with Lucy was that some pressure would be taken off him and Logan. Kendall knew people considered him the leader of their band and he was fully aware of the constant eyes on him. He hated hiding, but he also knew that one wrong move in public meant the whole world found out he was with Logan. Kendall hadn't been on board with keeping this a secret initially, but he knew Logan and James had been right to consider their image. Big Time Rush's main audience was girls between ten and twenty-five and while he knew of a few who would be delighted he was dating Logan, a lot of them would lose interest when they learned there was no chance to ever date them -no matter how unlikely that was in the first place.

And once Logan finally realised he liked Kendall back, he knew that chance was reduced to less than zero. Kendall was in this for the rest of his life. 

He smiled involuntarily when he thought of his time with Logan. Kendall wasn't easily blown away, but Logan continuously left him breathless. 

For nearly half a year he kept his feelings to himself while he thought about what to do with them. It was the first time ever that Kendall found himself in a situation he couldn't find a solution to. He had no plan, no bright ideas, no scheme to work himself out of the mess he was in. For once, his problem could only be solved by another person, someone who was completely oblivious to his own feelings, let alone Kendall's. 

His naive innocence was adorable and one of the things Kendall liked most about Logan; he didn't want to change it for the world. However, that particular quality made it very difficult for Kendall to find a way to show Logan he was into him. 

Until that fateful day in the kitchen, when James was a total ass and Logan had been so furious he could barely get the words out. Kendall tried to keep out of it at first, but James kept pushing all Logan's buttons head on and it annoyed the hell out of Kendall. Those two usually got along so well, but when they were fighting it was usually James who got his way in the end and Kendall wasn't going to let that happen anymore. 

And then Logan tensed up when Kendall put a hand on his side and Kendall's heart had skipped a beat when he finally saw something there. It was small, barely there, but more than Kendall hoped for at that point. 

On a whim Kendall decided to see how far he could take it, just to see how Logan would react. The thing with Logan was that he was so dense about feelings that he rarely knew what he felt himself, let alone see what Kendall was trying to communicate. It was ridiculously cute and Kendall was careful not to scare him off, but he quickly realised Logan would never tell him what he felt until Kendall made it so painfully obvious what he wanted that he had no other choice. 

So Kendall told him, holding Logan closely and making sure to let him know there was no pressure, because the last thing he wanted was to make him run. 

That moment in the club had been nerve-rackingly terrifying for Kendall, but Logan didn't need to know about that. At that point Kendall was already convinced Logan felt the same way; he may not have realised what he felt, but Kendall could tell. His reaction to Kendall touching him, his blush when Kendall told him he looked nice, the way Logan started watching him with that puzzled expression on his face when he thought Kendall didn't notice; Logan was an open book and those were all clear signs he liked Kendall back.

The week it took Logan to come to terms with that himself had been the longest of Kendall's life, but he did as he promised and gave Logan space to think. Kendall knew for sure Logan had feelings for him, but it could still go two ways. Either Logan decided he wanted to be with Kendall, or Logan's careful side got the better of him and he would decide being with Kendall was dangerous for the future of their friendship or the band or one of the other trivial things Logan always worried about. 

Which was why Kendall was so glad Logan went to Carlos for advice. He hadn't known about that until Logan told him, but he was so grateful that he felt like throwing Carlos a helmets-and-corn-dogs themed party. It was likely that Carlos didn't even realise how important he was in Logan's decision-making process, but he had a way to make everything easy; even when it came to being in love. He'd simplified Logan's problem to the very core; did he have feelings for Kendall? 

Their talk after Mrs. Mitchell's phone call helped too. Logan didn't love his parents, but losing their safety net was hard on him and he was terrified to lose anyone else. Kendall's heart broke, because that was a feeling he recognised all too well, and he'd promised Logan they would be friends no matter what he decided to do, even though Kendall knew that getting over Logan was much easier said than done. Before he told Logan it had been easy to pretend those feelings weren't there, but it would be a lot harder to be just friends with him now Logan knew. 

Logan was compassionate and sensitive and he would do everything in his power to let him down easy, but Kendall couldn't stand the idea of never knowing what it was like to have a relationship with _Logan_. 

Logan, who was so selfless that he gave up on being a doctor so they could make James' dreams come true, who was infinitely patient, even with Carlos' craziest antics, and always helped him out when he inevitably got stuck -figuratively and literally. Kendall thought Logan was the most beautiful person on earth, who was always right there when Kendall needed him, to talk or laugh or just be there. Kendall loved his smile and the way Logan sought him out when he felt insecure and how Logan was so in tune with Kendall one look between them was enough to say everything.

Logan was everything Kendall wanted in a lover and once he figured that out there was no going back. 

But then Logan asked him to hang out and they had so much fun gaming, even more so when Logan started cheating. Kendall wasn't sure if it was deliberate at first, but after the third time Logan brushed his fingers along Kendall's leg there was no question. Logan was using Kendall's attraction to him against him and there was no way Logan would be cruel enough to do that if he didn't have feelings for Kendall too. Logically, the only possible answer was that this was Logan's way of showing him he wanted Kendall. 

Kendall was fucking ecstatic. 

They talked and laughed over stupid TikTok's and Logan cuddled with him. Kendall wanted all of it and more and he was so was desperate for a chance to kiss Logan that he disregarded everything else, like the time and their location. That was at the very least a miscalculation, but felt like a huge fucking mistake when he had Logan in his arms and he nodded so sweetly and they were interrupted right when Kendall wanted to kiss him. 

Kendall felt an intense desire to kill James when he found out what happened to the helmet. It was the most important reason for suggesting bunking with Carlos -he wasn't sure if he could stop himself from choking James with a pillow once he fell asleep. Not even because he broke something so important to Carlos, but for 99% because Kendall had been looking forward to an opportunity to kiss Logan for months. 

Now that he thought of it again, he almost regretted talking Griffin into bringing Lucy out for a duet. 

However, all his bad feelings went away when Logan agreed to go out with him. Kendall was so excited and so nervous, that the moment he knew everyone else was occupied he went to find Logan so they could leave. The last thing he wanted was to run into James and endure more teasing, or Carlos, who would whine until they let him come along. 

Once they were finally alone the day was perfect. Kendall let go, he opened up and talked freely and was more vulnerable with Logan than he'd ever been with anyone before and to his delight, Logan did the same. The desire to kiss him grew exponentially throughout the day and when he finally, finally had Logan alone and in his arms, Logan had asked him what they would do if their first kiss was bad. 

Kendall thought that was a ludicrous, ridiculous notion, because he was convinced there wasn't a universe where a kiss between him and Logan could ever be bad. But it was also adorable that Logan worried about it and Kendall wanted to take every last bit of hesitation and reservation away before they kissed, to ensure himself that Logan wanted this as much as he did. So he didn't mind the conversation at all. It was so very like Logan to want to discuss them kissing before it happened and Kendall knew it was a moment he would cherish forever. 

But kissing Logan... Fuck, Kendall didn't want to stop doing that, ever, which was why he loved it that Logan's first words when he pulled away had been to tell him exactly that. From the first touch of their lips Kendall knew that it would be a problem to hide his desire for Logan. He loved making out with him and they had done so plenty for the rest of the day, not breaking apart until Kendall was worried their limbs would freeze off if they stayed in the water any longer. 

On their way home Kendall tried to come up with a way to get James out of their room for the night so they could carry on in private. Kendall was so grateful when Logan managed to get James to leave them be for a while, but not before James put a major damper on his evening by chastising them for moving too fast. Kendall felt an even stronger desire to hurt him than he did the night before, but not for warning them against having sex.

Kendall hated it that James was right.

Kendall didn't mind waiting with having sex in order for it to be special, but he did mind that James was interfering with something that really wasn't his business. Kendall never told him not to whore around and even helped him out a couple times -when he needed to sneak a date out passed his mother or that time he got an STD. Logan and him were both consenting adults and if they felt like doing it on their first date, James was the last person who got a say in it.

Alas, the opportunity past and Kendall decided it was for the best to take it slow; he never had a relationship with his best friend before and he really wanted to avoid screwing it up. Sex with Logan would be glorious, but for now that was something he got to look forward to. 

Kendall walked back into the lobby and found Logan waiting for him in the same place he left him. "How did it go?" He asked avidly. Kendall melted at the hopeful excitement on his face and sat next to him on the couch. 

"Griffin agreed to fly Lucy out for the TCAs," He answered. 

"Yes!"

Kendall grinned. It was sweet how happy Logan was on James' behalf. "I persuaded Griffin by telling him how much extra attention BTR and Lucy would get if she and James were star-crossed lovers on different ends of the world. Now all I have to do is make sure they go on a date somewhere public."

"Which will be easy, since it's James."

"Exactly."

"This is really exciting, I can't wait to see his reaction when he finds out."

Logan's enthusiasm was contagious and Kendall had a hard time not pulling him close. "Let's wait until Lucy tells him, if this goes badly I'd rather he didn't know I was involved."

"It will be fine," Logan said confidently. "James really likes her."

"Yes, but what if Lucy doesn't like him back?"

Logan paused as he stared at Kendall, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth as he thought. Kendall loved it when he did that. "I didn't think about that."

"I am pretty sure she does, but there's always a chance," Kendall said. 

"Or maybe she likes him and doesn't realise it yet."

Kendall smiled at the resemblance to their situation. "Then we'll just need to show her James' is a catch."

"How?"

This was another question Kendall thought was strange to ask, since James was drop dead gorgeous and everyone with eyes saw he'd be an easy sell, but Kendall loved it that Logan was looking beyond his appearance. "We'll have to show her he's a good person and a great boyfriend."

Logan raised an eyebrow. "We have no proof of that."

Kendall laughed and shook his head. "You're right, Logie."

"I mean, we know he has his heart in the right place, but James rarely shows his good guy side to outsiders."

"We don't know what they talk about on the phone though, there is a chance James managed to land this girl all on his own."

"That is true," Logan agreed. "We could ask Carlos, he probably overheard a few of those calls."

"Good call."

Logan smiled and shook his head. "Do you think regular friends go this far to get their other friend a girl?"

"No, but regular friends aren't as awesome as we are."

"You are very awesome," Logan agreed. 

Kendall's heart was going crazy and he desperately wanted to kiss Logan. "So are you."

"I had nothing to do with this plan, you did all the work."

"You gave me the idea in the first place."

Logan shook his head. "It was all you."

Kendall narrowed his eyes in amusement when he noticed the hint of pink on Logan's cheeks. "You're distancing yourself from my brilliant plan so James will only blame me if it goes wrong."

"...no?"

He glanced up and down the halls before brushing his lips to Logan's. The kiss was brief, but Kendall felt on top of the world regardless. Logan smiled at him and Kendall was glad he didn't feel bad for kissing in public. "You're lucky you're cute."

* * *

"Fucking finally!" Carlos yelled when they piled into limo late Friday afternoon. They just ended the workweek from hell and Kendall agreed with Carlos wholeheartedly. "Today sucked."

"And whose fault was that?" James asked him. 

The guys started a whole thing and Kendall used their distraction to wrap an arm around Logan's shoulders and pull him close. "How are you?"

"Good. Hungry," Logan answered, meeting Kendall's kiss with a smile.

James and Kendall spent most of the day recording while Logan and Carlos got extra dance lessons and they ended the day practicing harmonies for their acoustic performance next week. Gustavo didn't let them go until it was perfect and Carlos kept messing up the chorus.

"We could go get food at that Italian place," Kendall proposed, knowing that their carbonara was Logan's secret indulgence. 

"I'm up for that," James said. 

Kendall pursed his lip in annoyance, because he'd actually suggested it in hopes to have some sort of date with Logan. He didn't know how to politely tell James to fuck off and his hopes were crushed when Carlos piled on with an excited, "Me too!"

He tried his hardest to keep from sighing. Kendall knew his relationship with Logan was still new and it would take the guys some time to adjust to their new dynamic, but Carlos and James should both have enough experience with dating to recognise Kendall was asking Logan out. Or maybe not, Kendall corrected himself when he thought of their track records. James was a man-slut and Carlos was even more oblivious when it came to dating than Logan was. 

Logan nudged his knee and Kendall met his eyes, smiling when he saw the resignation on his face. At least Logan realised it was a date and wanted to go out with him. Logan leaned in to kiss him and Kendall pulled him tightly into his side, nuzzling his temple when he pulled away. They would always have tonight. 

"Logan! The new Avengers is playing at nine, if we hurry through dinner we might make that," James told him, holding out his phone out to Logan to show the movie times.

"I've been wanting to see that," Logan answered excitedly. He turned to Kendall. "Do you want to go?"

Kendall was happy that Logan included him in that decision and nodded. "Sure." That movie would was well over three hours long even without commercials and Kendall was sad that he would barely have any time alone with Logan before they went to sleep. He decided not to let it bother him though, even with James and Carlos right there they would still get to hang out together. It wasn't like he could touch Logan in public anyway.

"Stephanie wants to come too!"

Kendall looked up in time to see the excitement on James' face fade and his expression hardened. "You asked her?"

Carlos nodded, he didn't notice that the question held very clear hostility. "She loves superheroes."

James slumped in his seat and didn't talk for the rest of the ride home. Kendall tried to think of what had gotten into him while Logan brought Carlos up to speed about what happened in the last Marvel movie. 

They piled out of the car and Logan and Carlos went ahead to the elevators while Kendall hung back with James. "You okay?" He asked when the first two were out of earshot. 

"Yeah, fine," James answered curtly. 

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Kendall nodded, but didn't feel at all reassured. "You know you can talk to me, right?"

" _My god_. I'm not dating you, go nag Logan with this shit."

James stomped off and Kendall stared after him, wondering what the hell James' deal was. His friend could be extremely hot-headed, but usually about something less trivial than Carlos' girlfriend coming to the movies with them. Carlos and Logan were still on superheroes and Kendall decided not to bring it up in the elevator up to the apartment. 

As it turned out James beat them to 2J by taking the stairs and they opened the door just as the door to his bedroom slammed shut. "What is with him? Did you guys tease him about his mole again?" Mom asked from behind her magazine. 

Both Logan and Carlos looked up to Kendall for answers, but he shrugged and shook his head. "No idea."

"I'll go cheer him up," Carlos announced, skipping off to their bedroom. 

Mom watched him leave before turning back to them. "I didn't cook because I didn't know when you'd be home, so you can order in."

"We're going out," Kendall said, absentmindedly toying with the back of Logan's shirt while he thought about James.

"On a date?" Mom asked excitedly. "Have fun."

"No, the guys and Stephanie are coming too," Logan answered. 

Kendall was brought back to the present when he heard the disappointment in Logan's voice and pulled him close with a smile. "We should change if we want to have any time to eat before the movie."

When they returned to the living room Stephanie arrived and was talking to mom about her new projects. It took five more minutes until the door to the other bedroom opened and Carlos appeared in a new change of clothes. He was significantly less excited than before. "Where is James?" Logan asked. 

"He doesn't want to come," Carlos told them. 

"What? Why?"

Carlos shrugged. "He wouldn't tell me."

"I'm sure he's just tired, babe," Stephanie said. 

Logan looked up at Kendall for answers, but he simply shook his head. "I have no idea," Kendall told him. 

"I can go ask him?" 

Kendall remembered the way James burst at the slightest mention of talking. "Let him cool off first."

"Did you piss him off?"

"I think so, I've no idea with what though. I just asked him a question."

"If we want to eat before the movie we need to go now," Stephanie told them. 

Kendall could tell Logan was on the fence about leaving James behind and he squeezed softly in his shoulder. "I'll text him he's welcome to join us for the movie, we'll get an extra ticket."

"Yeah, okay."

The four of them made their way down and walked the short distance to the mall. Carlos and Stephanie went ahead, walking closely and holding hands and it stung Kendall that he didn't get to do the same thing. Kendall kept reminding himself that Logan was all his later tonight, but that excuse was starting to run thin. The week they'd been together had been extremely busy and they came home well after dinner every night. Logan was always up for some kissing once they were in bed, but it was never more than that. Kendall was tired too and he didn't want to keep Logan from getting enough sleep, but he'd hoped they would have had time to explore just a little further by now. 

Tonight they would be home late too, but at least they didn't have to get up early and Kendall hoped Logan would be up to making out. 

Kendall reminded himself that acting like a desperate, horny teenager was not a good look and he pushed those thoughts away. He had a whole night ahead of him to hang out with his favourite person in the world and Kendall felt his heart swell at the prospect. They spent most of their days together at the studio and every night Logan crawled in bed with him, but their insane schedule didn’t leave much space for quality time. Even though he had to share Logan with Carlos and Stephanie tonight, it was more of a date then they had since their first and Kendall smiled involuntarily when he thought of sharing a popcorn with Logan and their hands brushing together. 

"Do you have plans tomorrow?" Logan asked him suddenly. 

"No," Kendall answered. 

"Um. I have to go to library for a bit, but there is a hockey rink not too far from there. Do you want to go?"

Kendall would've said yes to spending all day at a library if he got to do it with Logan, but he loved that he suggested hockey. "Yes, definitely."

"I haven't played in a while, so you'll have to go easy on me."

"I'm sure you'll do fine," Kendall assured him, wishing desperately he could wrap an arm around Logan to pull him close. 

Logan smiled up at him and Kendall saw some of the same longing he felt. Knowing Logan wanted to be close to him as much as he wanted to made Kendall very happy. 

They reached the mall and got a table at Logan's favourite Italian place, Carlos and Stephanie sat across from Logan and him in their booth. Kendall was extremely pleased with its location in a secluded corner and he sat close enough to Logan so their legs were touching. This would do for now. 

"I don't know!" Carlos wailed when everyone had made their choice. Logan always chose the same thing, Stephanie chose the gnocchi and Kendall wanted a pepperoni pizza. "I want all of them."

"Carlos, you like the meat lover’s pizza. Order that and we'll go halfsies," Kendall told him. 

"Awesome!"

Kendall grinned when Stephanie smiled at him gratefully. That girl was a saint for putting up with Carlos' childish side, but Kendall was glad she saw through that and noticed the generous, loving and good guy he was. 

"What are you working on Stephanie?" Logan asked her after the waiter left with their orders. 

"I've a little recurring part on The Flash, but I'm trying really hard to get my script picked up."

"Another horror movie?" Kendall asked, remembering the night of absolute terror when she'd shot one herself around the hotel. 

"This is more of thriller. I have some interested parties, but nothing is set in stone. I really want to hand it off to the right people. I've put so much time and effort in it and I want to see it produced as I intended."

"It's awesome you've written something people are already interested in, you just started out," Logan answered. "Who are you talking to?"

"Sony is interested, they offered me a lot of money to buy all the rights to the script, but I wouldn't be involved at all. There is also Hammer Film Productions, that's a company based in London. I would need to relocate to keep working on it, but they want to expand the script into a television series and offered me a consulting writer position."

Kendall's chest constricted painfully when he let that sink in. As far as he knew Carlos was still fully committed to Big Time Rush, but how long would that last when his girlfriend moved to the other side of the world? It was exactly the scenario he'd described for Logan on their date, but he didn't truly believe Carlos would leave them until this moment. 

Carlos was unusually quiet, his eyes on Kendall while Stephanie explained her plans, and Kendall quickly smiled to hide the panic that set in. "Both of those offers are amazing," He complimented Stephanie. "Congratulations."

"Thank you," She answered happily. "I don't have to make any decisions for a while and production wouldn't start until somewhere next years, but it is exciting to think about."

"It's so cool, can you imagine going to the premiere of a movie you wrote?" Logan asked. 

"That would be a dream come true," She sighed.

Carlos grinned. "It's happening."

Kendall looked up when Logan laced his fingers through his under the table and squeezed tightly. Logan knew what this meant to him and in that moment Kendall was infinitely grateful he opened up to Logan about his separation anxiety. The tightness in his chest eased and Kendall squeezed back, running his thumb along Logan's knuckles. At least Logan would stay with him. 

"We'll see, Carlos. I still need to talk to my dad about letting me come along on tour, I haven't even told him about the offer in London yet."

"You're coming on tour?" Kendall asked surprised. 

"Not the whole summer, but hopefully for a week here and there."

"Awesome," Kendall told her. He liked knowing Carlos didn't have to miss her for three months. 

"Does James know?" Logan asked curiously. 

Kendall turned to Carlos, interested to know the answer; Carlos and James always shared a bus and their friend probably wouldn't take kindly to sharing his space with a couple. Carlos cringed and looked at them guiltily. "No," He told them and lowered his voice, "I was actually hoping he could bunk in your bus for the weeks Stephanie came over."

Kendall snorted. "No way."

"Ah, come on! You get to share a bus with Logan for three months."

Kendall hadn't even thought of that, he just considered that he didn't feel like sharing his space with James and his hair products. "You can have the bus to yourself when Stephanie comes out," Logan told Carlos, nudging Kendall in his ribs when he wanted to protest. 

Kendall pouted. "But we'll have to bunk with James."

"Yes, but we get the tour bus to ourselves for months, we'll be fine with James for a few weeks."

"But what if it works out with Lucy and James demands time alone in a bus too?"

"Is Lucy coming?" Carlos nearly yelled. "James loves Lucy! And do you not want to share a bus with me?"

"Dude, quiet!" Kendall told him, but he laughed too.

"This is so exciting. Babe, did you know James is in love with Lucy?"

"You've told me about a million times, Carlos. And Camille talks to me as well. We don't know if he's in love with her."

"They call each other all the time and James got all nervous when we talked about her the other day. Just like Logan when he asked about Kendall!"

Kendall smiled when he saw Logan's cheeks flush and he pulled their hands in his lap. "I think you're right, buddy," He said. 

"Did you set this up?"

"I convinced Griffin to fly her out, yes."

"Awesome," Carlos sighed. "He'll be so happy."

At times Kendall wished his life didn't revolve around making James happy as much as it did, but then he thought of James' loyalty to his friends and how he always showed up when Kendall needed him. Over the last few weeks James had done plenty of stuff to annoy him, but that didn't weigh up to their lifetime of friendship. And in a way, James and his dream were responsible for bringing him and Logan together. He didn't want to change that for the world. 

"Do you have any concerts planned in Minnesota?" Stephanie asked him. 

Kendall didn't know all the details of their tour, but he had memorised the dates they would be in Minnesota. He wanted to go the rink where they used to play hockey and visit his dad's grave. "Yes, sometime at the end of July."

"That's when you're free, you can come meet my family!" Carlos said. "Mom and dad definitely want to meet you. And hear me sing, I guess."

Carlos' parents were some of the most laid-back people Kendall ever met so he was surprised when Stephanie seemed nervous. "You can do no wrong with them," He told her. "Carlos' parents are awesome."

"Are your parents coming?" Carlos asked Logan.

Kendall glanced at Logan and wished he could do more than hold onto Logan's hand when he saw how lost he still felt. "I don't talk to them anymore," He answered, his voice even. 

Carlos frowned and cocked his head with almost childlike confusion. Kendall knew exactly why; he came from a family that was so supportive they'd still keep him around if he murdered someone. "Why?"

"My mother didn't want me to stay in Big Time Rush and when I told her I'm gay, she told me to come home immediately or never see her again. I chose the last one." 

It was an abbreviated version of what Logan told Kendall, but the essence of it was still horrible and Kendall felt the same white-hot rage crop up as the first time Logan told him this. 

"What!" Carlos exploded. "Is she crazy?! You can't leave Big Time Rush! Logan, you need to stay here with us. You're the only reason I graduated. And who else is going to keep me out of dangerous shit? You need to keep me alive, man!"

Logan smiled and Kendall loved Carlos for saying exactly what Logan needed to hear. "I didn't listen to her, buddy. I'm staying here with you guys."

"Good. Dad always tells me to keep you around, he says 'If you think you have a good idea, always check with Logan if it really is'," Carlos recalled. "You told me to start wearing a helmet. So I did."

Kendall could tell Logan was overwhelmed and he was more thankful for Stephanie than he could put into words when she distracted Carlos. He ignored the fact they were in public and pulled Logan into a hug, praying that no one was watching when he briefly pressed his lips to his temple. Logan wrapped his arms around Kendall's waist and held onto him just as tightly, his face pressed to Kendall's chest. "I told you," Kendall whispered. "You'll always have us." 

Logan smiled softly when he pulled away and Kendall couldn't stand the fact they couldn't kiss. "I know," Logan whispered back. Kendall wasn't sure what that was an answer to. 

"It's really cute, isn't it?" Carlos whispered a little too loudly from across the table and Kendall smiled when he heard Stephanie shush him. Kendall never loved Carlos' unconditional support more than in that moment. 

Their food arrived not much later and for the rest of dinner they talked about light, more pleasant things. Kendall wasn't sure if Logan noticed he did, but throughout their meal he kept finding ways for them to touch. Kendall didn't mind one bit.

The four of them made their way up to the movie theatre after and Kendall kept true to his word and bought a fifth ticket, though he sincerely doubted James would show up. Stephanie and Carlos got them popcorn and drinks and Kendall pulled Logan with him to the theatre, hoping for a few minutes alone. "Are you okay?" He asked Logan when they took their seats in the back.

He nodded and smiled. "Yeah. I have a lot of new love for Carlos though."

"Carlos is the best," Kendall agreed. 

"Are you okay?" Logan countered. "With him going with Stephanie to Europe and all."

"He didn't say that."

"It was implied," Logan said softly, turning sideways to study him. "Carlos didn't say anything not to disappoint us, though I don't think he made a decision yet."

"We should really talk about this soon," Kendall sighed. Between Stephanie's career as a writer, Lucy and James’ almost relationship and Logan going to college, Kendall felt backed into a corner. He wanted all of his friends to thrive and succeed, but in order for him to make sure of that he needed all of their intentions to be out in the open. Kendall knew what Logan dreamed of doing, but he was still guessing about Carlos' plans and he had no idea what James wanted for his future.

"I'm not leaving," Logan said quietly, sliding his hand into Kendall's. 

Kendall's heart stopped beating at his promise and he smiled at Logan. "Thank you, Logie."

Logan's eyes landed on Kendall's lips briefly before he looked down and bit down on his bottom lip. Kendall couldn't believe he managed to land the most beautiful person on earth, Logan wanting to kiss him as badly as Kendall wanted to was so sweet and endearing his heart might burst. "I can't wait to have you alone," Kendall murmured, staring into the big, brown eyes he knew so well. 

"Tonight," Logan promised. 

Kendall pulled up a corner of his mouth and closed his hand around Logan's tightly. "And tomorrow," He added. 

"The library isn't much of a date spot though."

"I don't care, Logie. I just want to spent time with you."

Logan squeezed in his hand hard and Kendall was glad Carlos and Stephanie showed up with their snacks then. Kendall was ready to throw all his inhibitions out the window and kiss Logan until he couldn't breathe. 

He excused himself to go to the bathroom when the commercials started, mostly because Kendall needed a moment to calm himself down. Kendall was so fucking happy that it was hard to contain it, but he did so for Logan's sake. In the days after their first date Kendall had to come to terms with the fact his feelings for Logan ran much deeper than he originally thought. Kendall loved every second they spent together, but he didn't realise how much he craved Logan around him until they spent a whole day talking freely and getting to know each other in an entirely new way. 

Kendall refused to name the new feeling. As soon as he thought about the word 'love' his separation anxiety grew beyond what he was able to handle at this point.

 _It had only been a week_. 

He was still so deep in thought that he didn't notice someone calling him until a hand landed on his shoulder. "Hey."

Kendall looked at James, frowning. "Hey."

For a moment they silently studied each other and Kendall tried to decide if he still angry with James for his sudden hostility or just concerned his friend wasn’t doing alright.

"I'm sorry, I was rude," James said. 

"It's fine," Kendall told him, narrowing his eyes slightly when James cast his eyes.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay."

"Can I still come watch the movie with you guys?"

Kendall wondered briefly what James would do if he told him 'no' when he was already at the theatre. "Yeah, of course."

James smiled and Kendall put a hand on his back as they made their way to the theatre, hoping that the gesture was comforting. Kendall wondered if he'd missed other signs that something was bothering James and he admitted guiltily he might've been too preoccupied with Logan to notice. 

Logan and Carlos greeted James enthusiastically and Kendall was happy to see James smile too. Whatever bothered him, James wasn't angry with his friends. Kendall vowed to himself he would find out what the problem was later. 

\---

James was back to his usual cheery, confident self by the time the movie ended and talked animatedly with Logan about what this meant for the future of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Kendall hung back and listened only partly; he enjoyed the movies but wasn't as much of a fan as they were. Instead Kendall chatted with Stephanie and Carlos about their upcoming tour and how they would manage to meet up. Kendall knew they had a couple of days without concerts somewhere in July and it would nice if Stephanie could come out then, so she didn't just see an exhausted Carlos between concerts. 

Logan appeared next to him and Kendall smiled when their hands brushed. "You done talking geek?" He teased. 

"James got a phone call."

Kendall glanced over his shoulder to see James trailing after them, the expression on his face something Kendall only saw him when he got to try a new 'cuda product. "Good. I hope she tells him about the TCAs."

"Did he tell you why he was mad earlier?" Logan asked after checking Carlos and Stephanie weren't listening. 

"No. He apologised and said he didn't want to talk about it."

Logan frowned. "Oh."

"He'll come around, Logie. James always talks eventually, sometimes he just waits until he bursts."

"Okay."

They looked up when James joined them, the gleeful expression told them everything they needed to know. "Sup, buddy?" Kendall asked. 

"Lucy just told me she's coming back to perform with us at the TCAs."

Kendall smirked. "Is she now?" 

James' head whipped around and he narrowed his eyes at Kendall. "Did you know?"

"I talked Griffin into it," Kendall told him. 

For a moment James looked dumbfounded and Kendall laughed at him when he started grinning. "Thanks," James said gratefully. 

"Sure."

"Um. How did you-"

"You're fucking obvious," Kendall told him before he could ask the question. "We all know."

James looked at Logan, who nodded too, and then rolled his eyes. "Fine. I don't care anyway. I'm too fucking happy."

"If you get together with Lucy you practically owe me your firstborn," Kendall told him dryly.

"Sure, whatever you want."

Logan laughed and Kendall shook his head. Carlos came over then, squeezing between him and Logan to wrap his arms around their shoulders. "Why is James happy? Does he know about Lucy?" 

James' eyes widened. "You knew too?!" 

"Duh, I hear you talk to her every night. 'I can't wait to see you', 'I miss you', 'I think about you all the time'," Carlos mocked. 

The three of them burst out laughing when James' face turned red. "I'm never letting you live this down," Kendall vowed when he regained control of his voice. 

"Whatever. You talked about Logan just as much. To your _mom_ ," James turned to Carlos, "And I've overheard some of your calls with Stephanie. 'Baby, I love you, you're so beautiful, can I see you tomorrow?'" 

Carlos cried out and jumped at James, who dodged him easily and ran away when Carlos started chasing him. Kendall turned to Stephanie, who was blushing furiously and glared at her boyfriend as he tried to tackle James. "Sorry you got caught in that," He apologised. 

"You should get used to it though, they've always been like this," Logan warned.

"Weren't you supposed to find new friends?" Kendall laughed. 

Logan smiled at him and shook his head. "I have reconsidered, I have a new reason to stay."

Kendall melted and wrapped his arm around Logan's shoulders, catching himself just before he wanted to kiss him. 

"Fuck, you're worse than Carlos," Stephanie commented before running to help her boyfriend bring James down. 

Logan leaned into his side, resting his head on Kendall's shoulder. Their group were the only people in Palm Woods Park. "Tonight was fun," Logan stated. 

"Yes," Kendall agreed, squeezing Logan to him. 

"I'd like it if it was just us tomorrow though."

Kendall loved hearing Logan wanted to be alone with him and he could barely contain his glee. "Yes, please."

"Can we get ice cream too? We didn't have time after dinner."

"Sure, Logie."

"I get it now, I think."

"What?" Kendall asked, moving his arm down to Logan's waist when they reached the empty lobby.

"Why you keep saying it doesn't matter what we do as long as we're alone."

Kendall closed his eyes to control himself. "You can't do this to me, Logie," He murmured. 

"Why?" Logan asked innocently. "We're almost home."

"Fuck," Kendall whispered. 

Carlos and James were bickering next to the elevator by the time they walked into the lobby and Kendall was happy to leave them to it, sliding both his arms around Logan waist when the doors closed behind them. Logan smiled up at him and Kendall finally got to do what he ached for since they left for dinner. The kiss was slow and deep and Kendall moved his hands up along his sides when Logan's fingers moved into his hair. It drove Kendall nuts when he did that and he felt the familiar stir in the pit of his stomach the moment Logan tugged on it.

"No, no. Not this again," James groaned. 

Kendall didn't stop kissing Logan for a moment when he flipped James off. After he made sure Lucy came back to perform with them, James had no right to complain about this.

Logan stepped back when the doors opened and took Kendall's hand, pulling him along back to 2J. This time they went ahead and Kendall heard Carlos whistle, but he couldn't bring himself to care one bit. The apartment was dark, his mother and Katie were likely already asleep, and Kendall ushered Logan towards their room, locking the door behind them. Logan's eyes were almost black when he turned around and Kendall framed his face, instantly claiming his mouth with his tongue. 

Kendall started pushing Logan towards the nearest bed and laid him back carefully before climbing over him. "How the fuck can I miss you when I spent all day with you?" Kendall murmured, pressing a kiss to Logan's jaw between every word. 

"No idea, but I feel it too," Logan whispered, pulling Kendall's face back to reconnect their lips. 

Kendall straddled Logan and splayed his hands on his stomach, slowly pushing his shirt up to reveal perfectly soft skin. One of Kendall's favourite things was running his fingers along the spot just below his ribs and feel Logan tremble below him, but Kendall had yet to test Logan's reaction when he kissed him there. Slowly he pushed his shirt out of the way until it bunched around Logan's chest and only broke their kiss for a moment to pull it over his head. Kendall moaned at the new contact; they had been shirtless when they made out under the waterfall, but Kendall didn't get a chance to undress Logan before. 

He was extremely pleased with the noise Logan made when Kendall kissed down along his neck to nip at his clavicle. Logan sat up slightly to reach the buttons of Kendall's plaid button-up, faltering only when Kendall cupped the back of his neck and ran his thumb along the spot behind his ear. Kendall helped him shrug his shirt off and ripped the t-shirt he wore below over his head, wanting no more distractions from making out with Logan. 

Kendall pushed Logan on his bed and climbed over him again, softly suckling on the soft spot between his collarbone and his neck before travelling his mouth further down. He kept his hand firmly on Logan as he did and Kendall felt his jeans tighten uncomfortably when he felt the deep breaths Logan took under his hands. He had not considered the physical attraction much beyond noticing that Logan was fucking beautiful, but Kendall had the hardest time keeping his head on straight the moment he laid his hands on Logan. When he started making those soft, wanton noises Kendall was done. 

He took his time kissing his way down Logan's chest until he reached the soft spot below his ribs and ran his tongue along it, groaning when Logan buried his hands in his hair and lifted his hips to find any sort of friction. "Fuck, Logan," Kendall mumbled, sliding an arm around his waist when he moved back up to kiss him. 

Logan wrapped his leg around Kendall's waist and flipped them over, pressing his body flush against Kendall's, those hands still in his hair tightly. Kendall very much enjoyed this side of Logan and planted his hands on Logan's thighs, rubbing slowly up and down while Logan devoured his mouth. Kendall hissed when Logan shifted just right and they brushed together so good.

Kendall moved his hands up to Logan's hips and rolled them against his own, creating more of that delicious friction. Logan moaned, his head dropping to Kendall's shoulder, and he took that as encouragement to do it again. Logan leaned heavily onto Kendall, but he rolled his hips along with his and his breath washed hotly over the skin of Kendall's neck.

He wanted more, desperately, to feel Logan's naked body along his own and feel his skin below his hands and watch as Logan came undone. Just thinking about that had Kendall hotter than he had ever been in his life and he gave up on the idea of trying for more when he felt how close he was already. Logan trembled and breathed shakily and Kendall had never been this horny in his life. 

Logan's face was still pressed tightly to his shoulder and Kendall moved one hand up to cup his cheek, bringing his face close. "Kiss me," He whispered, just before connecting their lips. Logan gasped quietly into his mouth and his hips moved erratically and not ten seconds later Kendall felt how he came undone. It was possibly the sexiest thing he had ever experienced and Kendall quickly followed behind him. 

His hands loosely folded around Logan's back and he closed his eyes, listening to his slowing breath. This was his best orgasm to date and Kendall marvelled at the fact Logan was able to do that for him without even taking their pants off.

When Logan regained control of his breath he sat up and climbed off Kendall, perching on the side of the bed. Kendall frowned, because the last thing he wanted was for Logan to leave him now. "Where are you going?" He asked, gently taking hold of Logan's wrist.

"Um. To clean up," Logan told him.

Kendall shook his head. He tugged on Logan's arm until he lay back and closed his arms around his body tightly. Logan fit just right under Kendall's arm and he placed his ear over Kendall's heart. "Not yet," He murmured, nuzzling into Logan's hair. "First we cuddle."

Logan burrowed further into Kendall's embrace and placed his hand on Kendall's arm. "You don't think it's gross?"

"Not at all," Kendall answered confused. They were a little sweaty and his boxers stuck to his skin, but it was nothing compared to the filth that came off him after a concert. 

"Oh."

Logan pressed his lips to Kendall's chest and looked down. The uneasy cold Kendall felt when his friends were hiding something crept up in his chest. Logan obviously wasn’t grossed out by Kendall, why would he think Kendall was?

"I think this part is the most important of anything sexual," Kendall murmured, going with his gut. He couldn't put his finger on what Logan’s problem was, but it was something he needed to correct quickly. Kendall's favourite thing in the world was to have Logan in his arms, no matter when. "It doesn't mean anything when you leave out intimacy."

Kendall ran his fingers through Logan's hair and closed his eyes, focusing on the soft breathes that ghosted along his skin while he waited for Logan to think over his words. It took him a couple of minutes and Kendall used the time to decide if he wanted to push this subject tonight. Logan picked up _somewhere_ that people didn't enjoy cuddling with him after sex and Kendall was dying to know how he came to think that. However, Logan clearly didn't feel comfortable talking about this and Kendall decided to let it go for tonight. They had so much fun and it was way past midnight, Kendall would broach the subject another time. 

Logan slowly moved his hand up Kendall's body and curled his arms around his neck, Kendall smiled when their lips met. Logan kissed him softly, pressing as close to him as he could get and Kendall's heart tripled in size when he took his hand to lace their fingers. "I like you a lot," Logan whispered, pressing his lips softly to Kendall's again. 

"I like you a lot too," Kendall whispered back, resting his forehead to Logan's to gaze into his eyes. 

"Can we just do this every night?"

Kendall melted and kissed Logan's nose. "If it was up to me we'd never leave this bed."

Logan blushed, but Kendall was glad when he didn't avert his eyes. The rosy colour on his cheeks was another one of Kendall's favourite things. "People will miss us, we're sort of famous."

"I don't really care about these people," Kendall murmured, brushing his lips to Logan's cheek to feel the heat below his skin. 

"Your fans will be heartbroken when they hear that."

Kendall shrugged. "They'll deal." 

They spent a few more minutes in bed before Kendall suggested they change and go to sleep. Logan came back when Kendall was already in bed and gladly sank back in his embrace. "We're going skating tomorrow," Logan said happily. 

Kendall grinned. "It's been a while since you came with me."

"At least a year, I think," He answered. "The time Carlos came home with a split lip."

"Right," Kendall laughed. "Whose fault was that again?"

"He tried to check me," Logan pouted. "The guy is a maniac, I would've ended up with injuries much worse than that if I let him."

"I remember you saying afterwards you never wanted to go again."

"Never again with Carlos," He corrected. 

"But you're alright with me?"

"You're careful with me," Logan answered, his ear back over Kendall's heart. "And after the waterfall I want to go on date that is just as fun for you."

Kendall chest tightened almost painfully at how lovely those words were and he pulled Logan closer. "I loved our date, Logie, it was by far the best I'd ever been on."

Logan smiled and closed his eyes, sliding his hand into Kendall's. This was one of the times Kendall couldn't believe that Logan wanted to be with him, someone who was so selfless and beautiful and genius and still looked up to Kendall. 

Kendall ran his thumb along Logan's knuckles while he fell asleep. His heart felt so full he was afraid it would burst. As long as Kendall could hold onto this it didn't matter that Carlos moved halfway across the world and James went off to do his own thing, because Logan telling him how much he liked him and snuggling up to his body was all he needed. He would miss them terribly and it would take him some time to adjust, but Logan would replace their absence in his life with so much love Kendall couldn't possibly be sad. 

_Fuck._

Logan had fallen asleep and Kendall carefully rolled onto his side not to wake him, hiding his face in the soft, dark locks of his favourite person in the world, finally feeling secure enough to whisper the words, "I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have an update on the schedule; I got a chance to visit relatives in Greece at the beginning of August and since I desperately need a vacation, I took it. That likely means I won't update for two weeks, but don't worry! This story will be finished.
> 
> Also, I love suggestions! If there's anything you'd like to read in this story, please let me know :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for this being a month later than I intended. Good things were happening and I didn't get to it :) I'll refrain from making anymore promises about when I'll upload, I'll just leave you with the promise that I will finish it. I just don't know when.

"James, sit down," Logan laughed.

"I can't, okay! I'm too excited."

Logan shook his head. James had been almost insufferably excited since he found out Lucy would be performing with them at the TCAs a week ago and never stopped talking about it. Carlos and Kendall both asked him to shut the hell up, but Logan thought it was endearing. Normally when James talked about a girl -or a guy- Logan found him crass and short-sighted, talking only about how hot they were, but with Lucy James was just excited for her company.

"We won't even see her until she comes to the studio on Monday."

"I know, but she said she'd call me when she lands, which should be soon."

"You're just a ball of goo, aren't you?"

"You don't get to talk, genius. Yesterday I watched you and Kendall go at it again."

Logan blushed, but he didn’t feel all too guilty about that. They’d been in their room pretending to watch Netflix when James barged in. This was on him.

It seemed like now that his friends were aware of his insane crush, the floodgates opened, and James shared months worth of feelings. "Fine."

"Fuck. I can't wait," James sighed, then fell down next to Logan on the couch and dropped his head back against the wall.

"I'm not even in love with her and I agree."

James swatted at Logan half-heartedly. "Again, you're one to talk."

"You need a distraction," Logan told him, but the truth was he needed one too. Kendall and Carlos were still in hair and make-up and in an hour they would be performing in _Ellen_. After years, Logan still wasn't used to performing in front of millions of people and the nerves were bad. "Do you have the switch?"

"No, Carlos took it," James sighed. "I can't stop thinking about her."

"Alright. Then tell me about Lucy."

James rolled his head to look at him. "You already know everything."

"All I know is that you've been on your phone constantly for the last three months."

"Hm. Maybe I just told Carlos."

"Probably. Kendall and I didn't know anything until he suggested you flirt with Nicole Scherzinger at Griffin's new nightclub last month."

"Oh, right."

"So. Tell me," Logan urged.

"Right. So, you know how I used to flirt with her, and she went around saying she'd rather eat hair than date me?"

"I remember."

"I thought she was just playing hard to get; I've never had to deal with that before. Turns out she was serious.”

Logan laughed, because in James' case that was completely true. Everyone he showed interest in threw themselves at him. "That must have been hard for you."

"It was, I really like her. It may have started out as a conquest or something, but I fell so hard for her and it hurt that she didn't want to give me a chance."

"So how did you find out she wasn't kidding?"

"We were at some party and we ran into each other. I flirted and she kept pushing me away up until the point she straight up told me that she didn't want to date me. I asked her why and she told me what Beau did to her."

Logan remembered very little about Beau, but apparently, he had been as much of a player as James. "That must have sucked."

"It really did, Logan," He sighed. "I know I used to sleep around a lot and I don't regret it. I made a point of being a good guy about it. I always made it clear what I was there for and never led anyone one. But she didn't know that, Lucy just saw me whore around and didn't want to start a relationship with someone like Beau."

"I'm sorry," Logan told him, leaning into James' side a bit. "I know you're a good guy, but I also understand her side."

"I do too," James said. "So I stopped sleeping around. Which wasn't easy, I tell you. To go from sex every week to nothing for nearly six months _fucking sucks."_

Logan had no idea what that was like, but he chose to believe James. "But it's for a good cause, right?"

"Yes," James agreed. "We spent a lot of time together before she went on tour and I think by the time she left she felt something for me too, but then she left without saying goodbye."

"Ouch."

"Right? We weren't dating or anything, but we did spend a lot of time together and so you'd think she’d mention she had a tour coming up at some point. This hurt."

"What happened after Lucy left?"

"I missed her, Logan. A lot. The first few weeks of her tour we didn't talk at all and I felt lost, I was so used to having her around."

Logan felt terrible that he never noticed how hard this was on James. Lucy left over three months ago, but not once did it occur to him that his friend wasn’t doing well. If he was honest with himself, he’d been disconnected ever since Julian. In an effort to protect himself from more heartbreak, Logan had avoided most personal contact with his friends.

The guilt washed over him when he thought of Kendall’s feelings for him, Carlos falling in love with his girlfriend who Logan barely knew, Mrs. Knight’s wish to move out of 2J and James abandoned by the first girl he showed serious interest in.

"Did you call her?" Logan asked weakly. He had James talking now, Logan didn’t want to miss out on another opportunity to support his friend.

James smiled. "I did. Lucy didn't expect it, but we talked for the rest of the night. Just about dumb, meaningless stuff, but I also told her how much I missed her. She asked if she could call me back sometime."

Logan nudged James with his elbow. "You did good, James."

"I think I've never been this open with anyone. We talked so much. A few weeks in she told me she noticed I stopped sleeping around before she left and asked me if that was because of her. Admitting that was the scariest thing I've ever done, because then she would know exactly how much I wanted her."

"But you did it, right?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"Nothing, really." James ran a hand down his face. "Lucy had to end the call and we didn't talk about it again."

Logan frowned. "So you have no idea if she has feelings for you?"

"No," James answered. "I'm going to ask her out though. I did _everything_ right; I stopped sleeping around, I was completely honest, I listened to her and I tried my hardest to show her I changed my ways. If she doesn't say yes, well, that would suck, but I don't know what else I can do."

"Nothing," Logan told him. "You did everything you could, if she doesn't want to go out with you it's just because she doesn't feel the same way."

James hung his head and Logan wanted to kick himself for being so bad at this stuff when he saw the tortured expression on James' face. "Sorry, that was harsh," He said quietly.

"It's the truth though. I will get over it, but I really hope she at least gives me a chance first."

"She will," Logan said confidently. "I don't believe Lucy would string you along like this if she didn't eventually plan on going out with you. In that aspect you're very similar, I think. Lucy is not cruel."

"Right," James said, sounding a lot more optimistic. "Either way, I will know in a couple of days."

"At least then Carlos will want to go on double dates with you."

James laughed when he remembered Carlos’ crude remark the week before. "I love that guy, but he's so rude."

Logan smiled and nodded. Carlos was brutally honest, but Logan loved that side of him. Last week at dinner he demonstrated exactly why when Logan told him about his parents. Carlos had been so angry on his behalf and said all those nice things about wanting Logan to stay around without even meaning to. "Carlos is the best."

"So how's Kendall?"

"Amazing," Logan answered, glancing up at the clock to see how long he'd been gone then.

"Did you do it yet?"

Logan rolled his eyes. "No."

“I meant; did you tell him about Julian?”

“Also no,” He mumbled.

"Dude," James groaned.

"I know, okay? It's stupid I haven't told him yet, but I haven't found the right opportunity. And we're doing really well, I don't want to ruin it."

"Logan, Kendall has been walking on clouds since you started dating. He's so fucking happy I almost can't stand to be around him. Tell him, because you're going to break his heart when you don't tell him and he inevitably pushes one of your limits. I've never seen anyone so obviously in lo-"

"Don't," Logan snapped. "Don’t say it. I know I need to tell him, but you've never been through anything this humiliating and it hurts so I can barely think about it. Kendall has always been way out of my league, even before I fell for Julian’s bullshit, and I don't want to admit to being a total loser."

James pulled him into a hug and Logan didn't realise how close he was to tears until then. "You're not a loser, that dickhead used you. Kendall will tell you the same thing. I only meant to say that he doesn't liked to be lied to and you told him a very deliberate lie when you said you had sex, one that is going to come out no matter what. He isn't going to care once you tell him why, but Kendall will want to hear it _from_ _you_."

"I know, I will tell him," Logan promised. Kendall made him happier than he’d been in a long time and the last thing he wanted was to jeopardise their relationship in any way. Especially if James was right about Kendall’s feelings for him; Logan wanted to avoid hurting him at all cost.

"Do you want me there with you?" James proposed.

"You'd do that?"

"Yes. It will be hella awkward, but I will if it helps you."

Logan stared at him for a moment, but then shook his head. "I can handle it, I think. Thank you though."

"Okay."

The door opened and Carlos and Kendall came in, both fully dressed and ready for their performance. Logan saw how Kendall's eyes travelled along his face and narrowed when he saw how close he was to James. Logan sat back a bit, but James was unaware and kept his arm around Logan’s shoulders as he pulled out his phone. "Still nothing," James sighed when he saw no missed calls or new messages.

"That sucks, bud," Logan told him as Kendall sat in the chair on his other side. "You can call her back after our set."

"I just hoped she would call before."

"I can't wait to see Lucy again," Carlos said happily. "She's so nice. Do we know what song we're performing with her?"

"Two songs," Kendall told him. "One of hers and one of ours, Griffin requested it be a mashup. That was why Gustavo was so stressed this week. We only have three weeks to prepare for the TCA’s and he needed the song to be ready before Lucy got here."

Logan hoped that a song with Lucy would consist of less choreography, because he knew he would have enough stress trying to master the song.

"Awesome!" Carlos said, which was about the opposite of Logan's sentiment. "Are we nominated for any blimps?"

"Five," James answered. He was about to elaborate when Kendall took Logan’s hand and pulled him from under James arm into the chair next to him. Logan cringed when he saw the increasing annoyance on James’ face as he contemplated Kendall’s motivation for that move. “Are you for real?” He asked eventually.

"Yes, I really wanted to know!" Carlos answered, utterly oblivious to James’ anger.

Kendall’s arm closed around Logan’s middle and he pulled him in tighter, his jaw set stubbornly.

"Logan and I were talking about how I can't wait to see Lucy. He hugged me when I told him that I don't know if she'll say yes if I ask her out,” James explained. “It's good to know you don't trust me though, that feels _great_."

James left out the part about Julian, but the rest was all true. "I'm sorry," Kendall answered. "I trust you, I just-"

"Yeah. I know," James interrupted. "It's fine."

Carlos was clearly lost and Logan felt bad when he saw his friend look between the three of them to try and figure out what happened. "We're nominated for Favourite Music Group, Favourite Song, Best Music Video, Best Social Media presence and James is nominated for Prettiest Face," Logan told Carlos to divert him from Kendall's ridiculous possessiveness.

"We'll win at least one, right? I want one in my room!"

Logan turned to Kendall when James answered Carlos, leaning into him to hopefully ease him. "Why are you jealous?" He asked quietly, sliding his hand over Kendall's on his waist.

Kendall sighed and shook his head. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be."

"You shouldn't be," Logan agreed. "James has been talking about Lucy nonstop and for almost a month now I've been wanting to spend every second I'm awake with you."

"Right," Kendall murmured, placing a kiss to Logan's cheek. "It really is stupid, because I know _nothing_ is going on. It's just that sometimes I get the idea you share more with James than with me."

Kendall hit the nail right on the head. Logan did share something big with James that Kendall wasn't a part of, but James wasn't the reason Logan didn't want Kendall to know. "James and I talk," He admitted.

"It's none of my business, Logie. I’m being stupid, there is no reason you should change who you talk to about anything just because we’re dating," Kendall told him quietly. "I just hope you know I'm here to listen too."

Logan smiled and kissed him softly. "I know."

Kendall kissed him and ran a hand along Logan's thigh, his fingertips running dangerously close to his groin stopping before sliding up to his hip. Since their heated make out session last week Kendall had gotten a lot more forward, even though they yet had to move beyond that. Logan knew that it was so stupid to let this go on like he did, but Kendall made a point of it to always cuddle with him after and it all felt so _good_.

Which was exactly James' point; Logan would let him move too fast if he wasn't careful, Logan loved being close to Kendall. His inhibitions were lowered and he didn't want to disappoint. The problem was that Logan didn't actually know what his limits were at this point and that scared him, because he wouldn't know until it was too late and Kendall pushed them. The last thing Logan wanted was to associate Kendall with Julian in any way, but at this rate he was catering a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Logan jumped off Kendall when there was a knock on the door and managed to get away before the backstage manager opened the door. "It's time, guys. Let's go."

* * *

"Oh my god, I’m so nervous," James cried, pushing his hands through his perfectly done hair.

"She's gonna think you're a spazz, dude."

"Right." James stopped pacing and looked over at his friends. "Distract me."

Logan looked up from the essay he was writing. He didn't particularly want to stop now he finally found his flow, but James was filled with so much jittery nerves Logan feared he would break down.

"Foosball!" Carlos suggested suddenly.

"Yes," James answered eagerly, anything for any relieve.

Kendall got up too and turned to Logan. "You want to join?"

"I want to finish this so I won't have to work on it tonight."

"Good call. I'm gonna make sure James doesn't kill Carlos."

James and Carlos played games rather violently and Logan nodded, smiling at him before he returned to his essay.

They finished recording early that day and Gustavo told them to get lost until Lucy showed up at the studio. The four of them had been hanging out in the lobby for an hour and at first James freaking out over seeing Lucy was fun to watch. He was so nervous he forgot his own rules about touching his hair and he was sweating through his t-shirt, that was the point even Carlos stopped making fun of him. Logan pitied his friend and he prayed Lucy would agree to go out with him, he did not want to find out what a heartbroken James was like.

After their performance on Ellen -which had been fucking awesome- Logan told Kendall everything about James and Lucy's relationship over the last couple of months. Kendall agreed with him that Lucy most likely liked him back, but that it was strange she never told him so. So they hatched the second part of their plan to get Lucy to fall in love with James and organised a small welcome back party for Lucy in 2J tonight. James almost cried when they told him they had cleared it with Mrs. Knight and that Lucy agreed to come.

Logan liked the idea of Carlos, Kendall and him all being there for James tonight, whether this ended good or bad. His friend liked to pretend he was big and strong, but when it came to anything beyond casual feelings for his many, many flings, he was about as inexperienced as Logan was. Kendall was worried too, even though he didn’t try to show it; Lucy was the toughest person they ever met and right now, James was fragile.

Exasperation filled Logan when he thought of James and Kendall and the utter madness of the situation. Logan knew they enjoyed challenging each other and liked to make fun of the other, it was embedded in the nature of their friendship. James and Kendall were both too strong headed for their own good and still they went from annoying the hell out of each other to joking around in seconds.

Meanwhile, both of them were worrying about the other getting hurt by their significant other. Kendall would certainly retaliate if Lucy rejected James, just like James was ready to fight with Logan about keeping secrets from Kendall. Logan was willing to bet a million bucks that Kendall and James would never admit those feelings to each other, which was something Logan would never be able to understand.

At least it was nice to know they unconditionally had each other's back.

"Hey, Logan."

Lucy was standing in the lobby, dressed in red and black and holding a guitar over her shoulder. "Hi!" He answered happily, quickly setting his laptop aside so he could hug her. "How are you?"

"Good. Well, apart from the jetlag."

"I get that. Jet lags are usually worse when you fly back in time, so to speak. Since its earlier in time in Europe your body-.”

"Good talk, Logan," Lucy laughed as she cut him off.

Logan realised he’d been rambling and changed the subject. "Did you get settled in? You're still coming to 2J tonight, right?"

Lucy nodded. "Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing everyone. Where are the guys?"

"Playing foosball in the break room."

Lucy nodded and Logan noted how she didn't ask for James specifically. "I'll go let Gustavo know I'm here. Can you get them?"

"Sure."

Lucy went on her way to Gustavo's office and Logan slowly walked to the break room, trying to fight his concern. He could hear the guys yell from down the hall and Logan was glad Carlos and Kendall managed to distract James for a bit, he almost dreaded alerting James to Lucy's presence.

Kendall was up against James and Carlos and he cursed violently when they scored. Logan had to yell to get their attention. "Lucy is here."

James froze in his spot and stared at Logan, the panic back in his eyes. Kendall jumped into action, going around the table to place his arm around his shoulder. "It will be fine," Kendall told him firmly.

"What if she hates me?"

"No one could hate you, James," Carlos told him, taking his forearm to pull him along. "You said all those nice things to her."

"Fuck, she's going to think I'm a loser."

"No," Logan answered. "Lucy will appreciate it that you changed your ways for her, it shows how much you like her."

"And we'll be here if it goes badly, which won't be the case," Kendall added resolutely.

Logan held open the door and Kendall and Carlos managed to get James through it, keeping him securely between them all the way to Gustavo’s office so he wouldn't run. "Ready?" Logan asked, his hand on the handle.

"Not at all."

"He is," Carlos announced after straightening the bottom of James' shirt.

Kendall nodded in agreement, taking a stand behind James and placing both his hands on his shoulders.

Lucy was having an animated conversation with Gustavo and Kelly when they walked in and Logan was glad to see James straightened up and smile when he saw her.

Lucy grinned when they walked in and hugged Carlos and Kendall briefly before going over to James. Logan held his breath and he felt Carlos stir uneasily beside him, but then Lucy hugged him too and it lasted just a little longer than their hugs had. Logan locked eyes with Kendall for a second and felt better when he seemed pleased.

Maybe James and Lucy would work out after all.

* * *

"You look good."

Logan smiled at Kendall through the mirror. "So do you."

Kendall stepped up behind him and placed his hands on Logan’s middle before leaning in to kiss his neck. Logan closed his eyes when he felt the familiar tingle below his skin and leaned back into Kendall's body. "Who did you invite for tonight?"

Logan trembled slightly when Kendall nibbled on his ear before he answered. "Just Camille, Dak and Jo. And I assume Stephanie will be there too."

"Good," Logan answered, placing his hands over Kendall's when his arms closed his body.

Kendall met his eyes in the mirror and smiled, resting his cheek to Logan's. "Just close friends. And Dak, but Lucy knows him well so I thought I should invite him."

"Do you want to tell them?" Logan asked hesitantly.

"Not unless you want to too," Kendall said.

Logan nodded, thinking it over. "I'm fine with the girls finding out, but I’m not sure if Dak is just as trustworthy."

"Then we won't tell tonight," Kendall told him, brushing his lips to Logan's cheek.

"I'm sorry, I know you hate hiding and I appreciate it a lot that you keep quiet for me."

"I can do it for a little longer," Kendall shrugged. "I'd like to tell them at some point though."

"We will," Logan promised. His cheeks flushed when Kendall smiled widely and pulled him in tighter. "It will be nice not to hide when we hang out with friends."

Kendall spun him around, linking his hands on the small of his back before leaning in for a kiss. Logan wrapped his arms around Kendall's neck and deepened the kiss, loving the sound he got out of his boyfriend. Kendall moved them away from the mirror and pressed him up to the wall, his hands sliding up under Logan's shirt. Logan mouthed along his jaw and down his throat, the noise that Kendall made travelled straight down and his pants felt a lot tighter.

"Fuck, Logan," Kendall moaned before he claimed Logan's mouth, sliding his tongue along Logan's until his knees buckled. Kendall solved that problem quickly, taking hold of Logan's thighs to pick him up.

Logan curled his legs around Kendall's waist to hold himself up and buried his hands in Kendall's hair, enjoying the advantage the added height brought him. Kendall pressed him up to the wall tightly and rolled his hips, sliding his hands up to his ass. Logan quietly cursed under his breath and clung to Kendall, losing himself in their kiss quickly.

Kendall's lips were intoxicating and Logan desperately wanted more, more of Kendall's hands on him and more of the noise Kendall made and more of the incredible friction between them. Kendall growled when Logan tugged on his hair and sucked down on his clavicle. Logan's head fell back to the wall and he got impossibly harder. "Kendall," He breathed.

He hummed in reply, running his tongue up to his neck to that sensitive spot behind his ear. Logan whimpered and rubbed his hips to Kendall's again, tightening his hand in Kendall's hair further. All he wanted was to get closer to Kendall, to undress him and kiss his skin and get more of this delicious feeling in the pit of his belly whenever Kendall lay his hands on Logan’s body.

"Guys, there's people here!" Carlos yelled.

For a moment they stood frozen, waiting for the moment Carlos would burst through their door to come get them, but his footsteps passed and Logan sighed.

Kendall laughed at him and set him back on the ground, pressing his lips to Logan's forehead. "That escalated fast."

"Yeah," Logan agreed. _Too fast_ , he thought. In the moment Logan wanted nothing more than to move further and it terrified him how fast he lost his head when he was with Kendall.

For a few minutes they stood there, holding onto each other as they waited for the arousal to subside. Kendall kissed him softly before stepping back and Logan bit his lips to hide his smile when he saw the state of Kendall's hair. "Sorry," He said when Kendall raised an eyebrow. "You really need to do something about your hair."

Kendall laughed when he looked in the mirror. "Damn."

"I didn't mean to."

A second later Logan found himself back in Kendall's arms. "Don't apologise," Kendall told him, leaning to kiss him. "I love it when you do that."

Logan felt his cheeks flush. "Oh. Good."

Kendall put a hand on his cheek to stop him from hiding his face and kissed him again, long and deep and everything Logan wanted. When the kiss was over Kendall didn't immediately pull away and he pressed little kisses along Logan's face. Logan's butterflies went wild and he placed a hand over Kendall's wrist to keep it on his face, standing up on his toes to kiss him. Kendall's free arm closed around his waist and Logan almost lost himself again, because he'd come to crave the gentle way Kendall held him close and the softness in his touch.

"You need to go," Kendall said quietly when he pulled away. "Or we'll never leave this room."

Logan nodded, but leaned in for one more kiss.

"Go," Kendall laughed, running his thumb along Logan's cheek before he stepped back. "I'll fix my hair and be out in a minute."

Logan left the room to find everyone aside from Lucy had already gathered on the couch. Everyone was drinking and Logan grabbed a beer on his way over, sitting down next to James after greeting everyone. "Where's Kendall?" James asked him.

"Fixing his hair."

James raised an eyebrow. "Still?"

"Again," Logan corrected guiltily.

"Of course," James sighed, but then he smiled. “I’m not completely used to that yet.”

"Neither am I,” Logan admitted. “I'm glad you're relaxed though, I was afraid you'd be freaking out about Lucy.”

"I was totally freaking out," James said bluntly. "But then Carlos gave me beer. This isn't the first. Or second."

Logan wished Carlos ran this plan by him before he executed it; James had a tendency to overdo it with the alcohol. But since Logan had been preoccupied with Kendall and his intoxicating lips, he understood why Carlos made this call. This was definitely preferable to James losing his mind. "Good."

Kendall came into the room, his hair now impeccable, and Logan pulled his lip between his teeth when he realised he liked it better messed up. He went around to greet everyone and Logan watched on nervously when he sat down next to Jo. When Kendall mentioned she was coming it didn't register with him, but at that moment it hit him full force that they used to be in a serious relationship up until just over a year ago.

It was enough to make Logan reconsider telling everyone, if only so he could stake his claim.

"Hi! Earth to Logan."

He looked up when Camille nudged him and smiled at her. "Hey, how are you?"

"Awesome. We're almost wrapping up the season and I have been making a lot of travel plans for the summer."

"That sounds great, Camille!”

“Thank you. I’ve been upgraded to a series regular for the next season, it feels great to have a steady gig to look forward to.”

Logan smiled, her acting history hadn’t been too great up until she landed the part on Nickelodeon. Camille’s over the top energy fit perfectly on children’s comedy. “Congratulations.”

Camille grinned. "So. What have you been up to?"

"We're busy," Logan sighed. "Interviews, the last bit of the album to record, the TCAs in three weeks and preparing for tour."

"You don't seem happy with that," She commented.

"I am! The band is doing amazing and I love singing with the guys. It's a lot, though." And Logan's new favourite thing was kissing Kendall, which he couldn't get enough of - or share with anyone.

"You are a tad introverted to be in entertainment."

Logan laughed. "A tad."

The door opened and Lucy came in, holding up a bottle of booze. "I have arrived!"

Everyone cheered and those who hadn't seen her yet since she returned from tour got up to hug her. Logan nudged James. "Get in there," He said, soft enough to avoid Camille overhearing.

James shook his head. "She's busy with other people."

"So? Distract her, make her pay attention to you. Offer her a drink."

He nodded and Logan watched him go, looking over at Kendall briefly to see him watching James as well. Logan met his eyes briefly, smiling when Kendall raised an eyebrow at James’ sudden insecurity.

Camille nudged him to get his attention back. “What’s the occasion for this party?”

"Um. As a welcome back for Lucy," He answered, gesturing up to the crappy homemade banner Carlos fashioned that afternoon. "Though maybe it is more of a get-together, considering the amount of people."

"Isn't she going back to finish her tour in a couple of weeks?"

Logan shrugged, unsure what to tell her. "We'll throw her another one when she comes back the second time."

"You sure it isn't to create an opportunity for James to ask her out?"

He paused, unsure if he was breaking any codes by telling Camille of James' crush. "Um. Maybe."

"Lucy talks too, you know," Camille said suggestively.

Logan shook his head, because of course Lucy would talk to her friend. "What do you know?" He asked eagerly.

Camille smiled at him wickedly. "I'll tell you if you tell me where you got the hickey.”

She pulled at the collar of his shirt to get a better look and Logan quickly slapped his hand over his clavicle. _Damn Kendall_. "Nowhere. I mean, from someone at a party."

"Parties are good for that," Camille agreed. Logan couldn't tell if she believed him, but he was eternally grateful when she let it go. "Lucy has some doubts."

"Why?"

"She hasn't actually told me a whole lot about it, but I do believe she likes James too. I mean, look at that."

Logan looked up to see Lucy and James talking at the kitchen island, definitely standing closer together than friends would.

"So what did she tell you?"

"We've been talking a lot about Beau, make of that what you will."

He nodded, understanding that Camille wasn't willing to share what Lucy told her in confidence. "James knows about Beau too," Logan told her. "He stopped sleeping around."

Camille smiled. "I noticed."

"He's done everything he possibly can to change his life around."

"Lucy hasn't been around for a lot of that though."

"So? You noticed, and Kendall, Carlos and I can attest also."

"No offense, but your testimony doesn't mean a whole lot. If any one of you murdered someone, the other three would help him bury the body."

"They would've good cause to murder someone," Logan mumbled, but he understood her point.

"I don't doubt that," Camille laughed.

"James really likes her though. And he is genuinely a good guy, he never led anyone on. He just likes, well, sex, I guess."

"Doesn't everybody?"

Logan took a sip of his beer in favour of answering. The lie he told to get everyone off his back was coming around on him _hard_.

"I know he has serious feelings for her, but she was really hurt by Beau and I'm not sure if she's ready to trust a guy like that again."

The concern that cropped up earlier when Lucy showed up at the studio was back and Logan involuntarily glanced at Kendall, who usually took care of these problems. However, Logan was distracted when he saw Kendall was still talking to Jo. He saw white with jealousy when she put a hand on his arm.

"I guess, we'll have to wait and see," He answered when he managed to tear his eyes away. Logan grabbed his bottle and stood up, needing to distract himself somehow. "Can I get you a refill?"

"I'm good."

Logan went into the kitchen to get another beer. He wasn't much of a drinker, but mostly in unfamiliar surroundings. Tonight he was surrounded by friends and he desperately needed some to loosen up and ignore Jo,

"Get me one too."

Logan turned to see Kendall standing behind him and nodded, handing him one of the bottles. "Camille just told me Lucy isn't sure if she wants to date James," He told Kendall.

"Shit."

“She hinted that being with Beau messed with her head."

"I hated that guy," Kendall agreed hotly. "Biggest asshole I ever met. Who does a thing like that?"

Logan stared up at Kendall in awe. His boyfriend was loyal to a fault and thus Logan understood perfectly why he couldn't grasp what Beau's deal was. To Logan Kendall's fierce loyalty and protectiveness meant more than he could even begin to describe, because Logan hoped with all his heart Kendall would have the same reaction when he finally worked up the courage to tell him about Julian. "You're right," Logan agreed when he found his voice, looking away from Kendall.

Gentle fingers laced through his below the counter and Logan’s intense desire to hide away to Kendall’s body returned full force. “You okay?” Kendall asked him, because of course he noticed Logan’s hopeful desperation.

It took everything in Logan not to meet Kendall's eyes next, because he knew Kendall would see _everything_. Logan couldn't do it yet, not now. His chest tightened painfully and he felt cold sweat break out on his back at the mere thought of Julian. "Yes," He managed to say, taking another sip of his beer to hide his shortness of breath.

Kendall didn’t answer and instead squeezed softly in his hand before letting go of it and walking away. He knew, Logan realised, and his hands started shaking in effort to control the impending panic attack. It was likely that Kendall didn’t know what was going on, just that Logan was keeping things from him, but that was still more than he was ready for.

Logan watched Kendall join Lucy, Jo and Camille at the kitchen table, while he tried to regain control of his body. The three girls were talking animatedly but stopping abruptly when Kendall sat with them to turn their attention to him. While he’d have preferred to be in a situation where he could stay close to Kendall until he calmed down, Logan was glad to learn watching him helped as well.

Though as long as he was wishing for stuff, he’d like it if there wasn’t anything he needed to hide from Kendall to begin with.

Logan downed the rest of his beer when his hands stopped shaking and took another from the fridge before joining Carlos, Stephanie and Dak. They were playing a light version of beer pong on the coffee table and Logan felt relatively safe from difficult questions once he got caught up in their intense game.

He wasn’t sure if it was the beer or the game, but half an hour later he felt a lot more relaxed. Carlos and Stephanie were both very competitive and it took him and Dak everything to keep up with them. The two of them ended up losing badly to the couple, but Logan was glad to have his mind off his struggles for a moment. Their relationship was beginning to make more and more sense to Logan; Stephanie could get just as invested as Carlos and both of them went all-in in every situation.

After an hour Dak decided he had enough and Logan gladly got up too. Stephanie and Carlos were fun, but also super intense. Logan spotted James standing along in the kitchen and joined him. "How is it going?" Logan asked.

"Well, we're not making out with Lucy right now, so I'm gonna say bad."

"Come on, James. You've always managed to land the girl you wanted."

He sighed. "I suppose it's fitting Lucy breaks the never-been-rejected record."

Logan rolled his eyes, James' insistence on keeping a record on that was all kinds of stupid. "You fucking pessimist. Go woo that girl, you shouldn't give up this easily."

"You never swear."

"That's how serious I am."

"You really think she likes me too?"

"Yes! So go win her over, because otherwise this party was pointless."

"Right."

James left and Logan watched with smug satisfaction when Lucy made place for him next to her on the couch. Kendall was still with Jo at the table, along with Dak, and Logan frowned when he saw how close they were still. Logan trusted Kendall completely, but why did Jo have to touch him so much?

"Any progress?"

Camille popped up next to him, looking over at James and Lucy on the couch.

"James is used to easy conquests," Logan told her, "He got scared when Lucy didn't immediately respond like other girls do."

"That's kind of cute."

"Yeah, that. Or he's a dumbass," Logan muttered darkly.

"Or that," Camille laughed, leaning into him a bit.

"I hope she goes out with him."

"Don't we all?"

Logan nodded, his eyes drifted back to Kendall and Jo. She was still touching him and the jealousy cropped back up. Kendall wasn't responding to any of it and the expression was blank while he talked to her, but the whole thing made Logan nervous.

Camille put a hand on his arm to get his attention back on her. "How are you doing?" She asked him.

"Didn't we cover that already?"

"You told me about the band, not so much about you," Camille told him. "I think you have a lot to tell me."

Logan thought that was a weird thing to say, but Camille generally puzzled him regardless of what she asked. "Um. I've been working on some pre-med college courses, so I'm not too far behind if I decide to go to college."

"That's so interesting," Camille told him, trailing a finger along his hand.

"Apart from that I haven't had time for much other than the band."

"So you're not dating anyone?"

Logan averted his eyes and shook his head. "Not in a while."

"You've been going out though, right?" Camille asked, lowering her voice as she stepped closer to him. “I mean, you’ve a very noticeable hickey on your neck so you’re obviously doing more than just homework.”

"There were some parties," Logan answered, wholly uneasy with what was happening. His eyes ran restlessly through the room until they landed on Lucy, who smirked at him briefly before looking over at the kitchen table. Logan followed her gaze and saw Jo was leaning over the table to whisper into Kendall's ear, her hand over his. Logan couldn't see his face behind her hair, but Kendall wasn't moving away and Logan bit his lip so hard he tasted blood. This was his own fault, for not wanting to share that they were dating with their friends. Kendall was so hot and way out of his league and pretending to be single, of course Jo would hit on him tonight.

Logan’s attention returned to Camille when her hand travelled up to his bicep and she pressed close to his side. "Camille," He said abruptly, "You know I'm gay, right?"

"Uh huh," She answered cheerily.

"Then what are you doing?" He asked, confused.

Camille grinned widely before she leaned close to his ear. "We were trying to see which one of you would snap first," She whispered. "You just won."

Logan looked up when he saw Kendall looming over them, his eyes narrowed into dark green slivers and he scowled at Camille. "Kindly get your hands the fuck off him."

She stepped back, holding her hands up in surrender, and Kendall took her place, sliding his arm around Logan's waist to pull him close. Logan blinked a couple times, trying to process what just happened. "You knew?" He asked her, dumbfounded.

Camille was glowing in delight when she nodded. "Lucy figured it out, but I suspected too. She suggested Jo and I made it look like we were flirting with you to see who would crack first!"

"Sorry!" Lucy yelled from the couch. James was laughing next to her.

"You people are evil," Kendall told Camille.

"And you should know better than to keep secrets from your friends," Jo chastised when she came over. "Sorry, Logan."

Logan still felt a faint desire to hit her, but then Kendall ran his thumb along his side soothingly. He smiled automatically, sliding his own arm around Kendall to hug him back.

"On the topic of keeping secrets from friends," Camille started. "I'm dating Steve again."

"And I've been with Dak for a couple of weeks," Jo added, smiling over her shoulder at the guy who was still sitting at the table, watching them calmly. Logan briefly wondered why that guy wasn’t bothered to see his girlfriend flirt with her ex, but then he realised Logan had never seen Dak bothered by anything.

"And you conveniently neglected to disclose that information tonight?" Logan asked dryly.

"Logan, no one understands you when you're talking geek," Camille told him.

Jo laughed and the girls made their way over to Lucy.

Kendall nudged his shoulder and Logan looked up at him, smiling when he saw the resignation on his face. "It's fine," Logan told him before he could apologise.

"I should have seen through their flirting," Kendall pouted.

"I didn't either," Logan told him. "I would've come over if I wasn't busy keeping Camille off me."

Kendall smiled and pressed his lips to Logan's forehead. "I'm glad it's not just me who gets jealous."

Logan blushed. "I hated seeing her all over you."

Kendall kissed him then, long and deep and obviously claiming him and Logan melted. He wrapped his arms around Kendall’s neck and quickly lost himself in their kiss. Kendall pressed him into the counter and Logan wished they were alone, because he desperately wanted to continue what they started before the party. Especially when Kendall nudged his legs apart and pressed his thigh between Logan's, moaning into his mouth when Kendall felt how hard he was already. "Fucking hell, Logan, you're possibly the sexiest thing in the world," He whispered to Logan's lips, running lightly with his fingertips along the small of his back until Logan shuddered.

Logan gasped breathlessly when Kendall's lips travelled along his jaw. "You're h-hotter," He stuttered when Kendall nipped on his ear.

"Nuh uh," He denied. Kendall pressed his crotch up to Logan's hip, his lips on _that_ spot behind his ear. Logan dropped his head to Kendall's chest when he felt his erection. "That hasn't gone away since we made out earlier."

" _Kendall-"_

Logan stopped talking when they were hit by a pillow and he was abruptly reminded they were in the presence of other people. "Stop that!" James yelled.

Kendall immediately recovered and threw the pillow back at him. "Fuck off."

Logan was glad everyone was distracted when they started fighting. He took a moment to collect himself before joining the others in the living room.

"They always do this," James complained to Lucy. "I mean, I guess it's cute, but do they have to in front of me?"

"Hell yes!" Camille cried. "That was hot."

Logan desperately wished for a way to reverse time and stop himself, he didn't want to give James more reason to believe they were as exhibitionistic as he suggested. He only felt a little better when Kendall took his hand and pulled him in his lap, linking his hands on Logan's side. Knowing they were in this together eased his mind a lot. "How did you know?" Kendall asked Lucy, interrupting more of James' complaining.

Lucy laughed. "You were making googly eyes at each other all through rehearsal and you can barely keep your hands off him. It was really very obvious."

Everyone laughed, but Logan turned to Kendall and saw the same concern in his eyes. It didn't matter much that their friends found out, but were they really so obvious others could guess they were dating so easily? Logan was perfectly aware of some of their fans imagining them in relationships with each other, but so far that was just wishful thinking. Would they see the same thing Lucy did? "We'll be more careful," Kendall told him quietly.

Logan nodded, leaning into Kendall’s body for more warm comfort.

"I honestly didn't mean for it to come out today," Kendall said, pressing a kiss to his temple. "But I really like not having to hide anymore."

He smiled and placed his hand over Kendall's. "These people are cool."

"Yes, that," Kendall agreed, then moved his lips closer to Logan's ear. "But also, I totally get off on showing you off."

"You might actually be an exhibitionist," Logan whispered back, but the butterflies in his belly twirled happily at the compliment.

Kendall shrugged, completely unconcerned. "So be it."

The rest of the night they spent talking and playing more games, joking around with their friends and laughing when Carlos and Stephanie came back an hour after Jo first noticed they were missing -Carlos looking almost as dishevelled as Kendall did earlier. Logan spent the entire night in Kendall's lap and found he didn't care one bit when their friends made fun of them. He was just the right amount of buzzed and Kendall was very comfortable, not to mention that the soft way Kendall kept touching him and the kisses he pressed to his face and neck at every opportunity made Logan very happy.

Logan loved being so close to Kendall and he couldn't wait to go on another date soon. Playing hockey together last week had been awesome; Logan had not sucked as much as he feared he would and even though Kendall went easy on him, he was convinced he wasn't half bad. Afterwards they'd gotten ice cream and just walked around for a bit, talking and laughing, but Logan regretted not finding a place more secluded. Tonight was fun and Logan was glad that they got to touch in front of their friends, but Logan longed for another date like they had at the waterfall.

Kendall had been so open with him and Logan needed to recreate a moment like that to… talk to him.

Near midnight people started to leave, as tomorrow was another workday for most, and Kendall nudged Logan when Lucy got up to say goodbye. James got up too, but hesitated when she started to leave. Carlos, Kendall and Logan all glared at him until he followed her out. "Can he do anything without us?" Carlos asked exasperated.

Lucy was the last person to leave and the three of them started cleaning up, not wanting to anger Mrs. Knight when she woke up to their mess. Logan kept glancing at the door, praying James would come back with good news. It didn't help that Kendall kept touching him. Logan desperately wanted to be alone with him too, but not until he found out how James did with Lucy.

They almost finished cleaning by the time the door finally opened, all three of them looking over eagerly. Logan's stomach dropped when he saw James frowning and he quickly closed the dishwasher, following Kendall and Carlos to be by his side. "What happened? Did you ask her out?" Carlos asked.

"I did."

Kendall frowned. "Did she say no?"

"She wants to wait until after the TCAs," James answered.

"Why?" Carlos asked, confused. "That's two more weeks!"

"At least it's not a no," Logan said, trying to remain optimistic.

"Might as well have been," James mumbled.

"Do you know why she wants to wait?" Kendall asked.

"Um. She says she isn't sure how she feels and wants to focus on the performance."

Logan thought of his conversation with Camille and decided that Lucy must be lying to him to keep some distance. After everything he’d seen tonight, Lucy had to be into James too. "That's bullshit," Kendall told him, speaking Logan's thoughts.

"You were talking all night!" Carlos agreed.

"How would you know? You disappeared for two hours."

Carlos grinned. "I did. But when I was here you were together constantly."

Kendall cocked his head, turning to Carlos. "Where did you go?"

"No, no. That's classified. You might steal my secret make out spot."

"I share a room with Logan," Kendall answered dryly. "I don't need your spot."

"Still. You might ruin it."

Kendall laughed and Logan turned back to James, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I think Lucy wants to make sure you don't lose interest in her after you've gone out," He said.

"How can she think that?! I've wanted her for months."

“She hasn’t seen a lot of that James. I think she’s still scared to be with a guy who has a very similar past compared to Beau’s.”

"You need to win her over," Kendall decided. “Show her you won’t lose interest once she’s agreed to go out with you.”

"How?" James asked, shoulders hanging.

Carlos looked at him in disbelief before stomping his shoulder. "Dude! Romance the pants of her! This is your thing, are you stupid?!"

Kendall clamped a hand over Carlos’ mouth to stop him from insulting James any further. "He's right," Kendall told him. "You know her better than we do, but I bet that below the tough rocker chick appearance she's just like anyone else. So, you do all the stupid shit you used to do to get dates, sent flowers, write cards, throw frisbees and buy her chocolate."

"Lucy is allergic to flowers and she doesn't like chocolate."

"See? You know her! Show her that with something sweet and personal."

"Lucy likes music," James said slowly.

"Then write her a song!" Carlos suggested, bouncing up and down.

James shook his head. "I have a better idea."

"Awesome. Plan 'make Lucy fall madly in love with James' is in action," Kendall announced quickly. He took a hold of Logan's hand and started pulling him in the direction of their bedroom. "Just let us know when you need our help."

"Don't be loud!" James yelled after them.

Once inside Kendall locked the door and immediately attached his lips to Logan's neck, sliding firm arms around his middle. "Fuck. I want you," He murmured, kissing him hard.

Logan nodded, turning around to slide his hands up into Kendall's hair. Kendall groaned and moved his hands up Logan's shirt, running his fingers lightly along his sides to make Logan shiver. Logan was done when Kendall’s tongue caressed his so perfectly and pushed a hand up Kendall’s shirt to work it off. Kendall got the hint quickly and pulled away enough for Logan to pull his shirt up, reattaching their lips immediately after.

Kendall started pushing him towards his bed, pulling Logan's shirt off along the way. Logan gasped when Kendall pulled him close, his hands sliding down to cup his ass. He fell back on their bed and pulled Logan on top of him, curling big hands around his hips. Logan bit his lip self-consciously when Kendall's eyes raked over his body, the green darkened even further when they landed on his face. "Kiss me, baby," Kendall requested.

Logan placed his hands next to Kendall's head, locking lips with him eagerly. Even on his back Kendall was controlling their kiss, his lips moving along Logan's just right while moving his hands up to his chest to rub calloused thumbs along his nipples. Logan whimpered in pleasure and Kendall matched the noise with his own, spending some time tweaking and rubbing. Quickly Logan lost himself; he was so hard and Kendall's hands were magic, touching Logan in just the right spots.

His head dropped to Kendall's shoulder when a hand cupped him firmly through his jeans, palming him until Logan's arms buckled so he could barely hold himself up. Kendall popped the button of his jeans and the hand slipped into his briefs, taking hold of him for the first time. It had been so long since someone touched him and Logan gasped when Kendall slowly stroked him, his other hand moving to cup the back of Logan's neck.

Kendall pulled away momentarily and flipped them over, sitting up between Logan's legs to pull off his jeans. Logan sat up once they were off, splaying his hands on Kendall's stomach when he kissed him. He wanted to be closer, to hear Kendall moan too, and traced his fingers along Kendall's abs until he found the thin trail of hair that disappeared into his jeans. Kendall moaned in encouragement and pushed him onto his back once again, his mouth trailing back to Logan's ear. 

Logan sighed when Kendall's hand moved back down into his underwear and he popped the button of Kendall's jeans, pushing it as far down as he could before using his toes to tug it off the rest of the way. Kendall laughed breathlessly and kicked them off the bed, running his thumb along the head of his erection. The familiar heat pooled in his stomach and Logan bit his lip to keep from crying out; he didn't remember it feeling _this good_. Kendall was breathing deeply, the warmth that ran along his skin making him feel impossibly hotter, and when he glanced down Logan saw Kendall's boxers tent.

It took everything in him to fight the nerves when he reached down, hesitating another moment before he touched Kendall. Logan felt better when Kendall’s only reaction was to groan and bite down in his shoulder to stifle the noise. Encouraged by Kendall's obvious arousal he reached into his boxers, feeling completely incompetent when he took hold of him. Logan really wanted to do this together, to feel Kendall move along with him and see his lover come undone.

Logan fumbled trying to find the right position for a moment and felt his cheeks grow warm when it registered with him how big Kendall was. Slowly he started stroking him, trying to match what Kendall was doing to him. Kendall definitely knew what he was doing, touching Logan just _right_. He sped up some when he felt how close he was, hoping to not leave Kendall hanging when he climaxed.

"Fuck, Logie," Kendall murmured before pressing his lips back to his. The kiss was deep and soft and Logan ate it up, craving the closeness Kendall provided him with.

Logan only managed to hold out a little longer, the feeling of Kendall over him, close and warm and touching him was too much. He gasped into Kendall's mouth when he spilled, his free head moving up into Kendall’s hair to keep him close. To his surprise Kendall came only a few moments later, moaning Logan's name and cursing quietly.

Kendall sank down next to Logan and after wiping his hand on his boxers, pulled him into his arms. Logan smiled to himself and gladly laid his cheek over Kendall's heart, his breath slowing as he listened to the steady thumping. Soft lips pressed to his forehead and Logan's chest warmed when Kendall kept kissing along his face until he looked up. Kendall cupped his cheek and nuzzled his nose before brushing his lips to Logan's sweetly. "Hey, Logie," He whispered when he pulled away, resting their foreheads together.

"Hey," Logan answered, pressing his body close to Kendall's.

"You okay?" He asked, his lips almost brushing Logan's when he spoke.

Logan kissed Kendall in favour of answering him, longing for more of the intimacy Kendall offered him so freely.

Kendall smiled when he pulled away. "Good," He told Logan. "Me too."

For the longest time Logan lay in Kendall's arms and neither of them spoke, which he preferred. Logan feared that if he used his voice Kendall would hear the thickness in his throat and notice the tears that threatened to spill. The closeness Kendall provided and his obvious appreciation of Logan meant _everything_ to him. With Kendall Logan actually felt good after doing something sexual. He didn't regret a single moment of it, because the act only brought him closer to the person he so desperately wanted to be near forever.

Logan had always felt ashamed of his time with Julian, for being so gullible and easy to manipulate. He had been so eager to have a relationship like all his friends had, to not be left behind, to for once not be the least experienced, innocent member of their group. Now Logan knew that had been the wrong motivation to enter into a relationship, it made him _blind_ to the horrible stuff Julian pushed him into.

But it wasn’t until that moment, when he felt safe and warm in Kendall’s arms, with his steady heartbeat under his cheek and velvet lips pressed to his head, that Logan knew how deeply the _pain_ ran.

His eyes burned and he curled into Kendall's body further, whose only reaction was to hum and tighten his hold on Logan. For sixteen years Kendall had shown him repeatedly that he was always _right there._ He fought off the bullies, he introduced Logan to new friends, he made sure Logan stopped studying and had fun once in a while and when Logan needed him most, Kendall always came through.

"I like you a lot," Kendall whispered into his hair, as if he felt Logan needed to hear it.

"I like you a lot too," Logan replied, sliding his hand into Kendall's.

"If we find an opportunity to go out later this week, will you come with me?"

"Yes," Logan told him, desperate for a chance to be alone with Kendall, to have this for more than an hour at a time.

"Do you still own a telescope?"

Logan looked up at Kendall when he picked up on the suggestion. "I do."

"You want to see if we can find a proper spot somewhere to go stargazing?"

"You've never wanted to come with me before," Logan commented quietly.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I don't want you to pretend to like stuff to do me a favour."

Kendall stared in his eyes for a moment and for the first time, maybe ever, Logan saw a hint of embarrassment on his face. "The reason I didn't want to come with you before has nothing to do with my interest in stars," He said quietly, running a hand along Logan's face.

"Oh," Logan answered. "Then why?"

"Stargazing is inherently a very romantic activity," Kendall started hesitantly. "The last time you asked me I already had feelings for you. I didn't want to put myself in that situation with you."

"But the last time I asked you was at least six months ago," Logan whispered as it dawned on him why Kendall was reluctant to admit this.

"Yes," Kendall said softly.

Logan leaned in to kiss him, incapable of coming up with a better way of showing how much that meant to him. Kendall went with it gladly, sliding his hand to the back of Logan's head to keep him close. They kissed until Kendall pulled away, his eyes still closed as he rested his forehead to Logan's again.

If Logan had to pick a moment to freeze time forever, this would be it.

"I like you a lot," Logan whispered, clinging to the warmth that filled his chest when Kendall was vulnerable and opened up to him. He wanted Kendall to know that even though he was completely dense about feelings and he didn't realise how amazing Kendall was until a couple of weeks ago, Logan was falling for him so much harder than he ever thought possible. Those were words Logan wasn't able to express, so he settled for their usual term of endearment.

Kendall's lips spread slightly and he opened his eyes to meet Logan's again, running gentle fingers along Logan's neck. "I like you more."

Logan felt his cheeks flush and stared into the soft green eyes he never wanted to look away from. They were pressed together and Logan revelled in the heat from Kendall's body, sliding his arm around Kendall's waist to keep close. His skin was clammy from their earlier activities, but Logan didn't care one bit. All it did was remind him of how wonderful and attentive Kendall was.

"Do you want to go?" Kendall asked him, brushing soft lips to his cheek.

"Yes."

"Good," Kendall answered. "Because I would love a night with you on a blanket under the stars. You'll need to teach me a bit though."

Logan stared at him, his best friend in the whole world who held him close and kissed him sweetly and was so afraid to admit how long he’d wanted to go out with Logan and just asked him to _teach him about stars._ No one ever asked him to teach them anything, not unless they were in dire need for someone to do their homework. Kendall was more than Logan ever dared to hope for.

Kendall nuzzled their noses together before bringing Logan's head to the crook of his neck and pulling the blanket up. Logan closed his eyes tight and bit down hard on his lip to keep it from trembling. This right here, lying in Kendall's embrace, with his hands on his back and his lips pressed to his hair, after spending an entire night just being close... It was everything.

"Go to sleep, Logie," Kendall whispered. "It's almost 2 AM."

"Will you stay?"

"Always."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who stuck around to read this, even two months after I last updated. I hope this longer update makes up for it!

"You're not going with Lucy?" Kendall asked James after she said goodbye to them at the elevators.

Ever since his friends knocked some sense into James, he spent every waking moment winning over Lucy. Kendall never meant for him to be quite so forward with his intentions, but somehow, James made it work. Lucy was around them a lot, as they had only three weeks to prepare for their Tween Choice Awards performance, and she accompanied them to Rocque Records every day. The five of them made long hours and James was always professional when they were at work, but as soon as Gustavo let them go James resumed wooing Lucy.

Kendall wasn't sure if it was working yet, as Lucy had an amazing poker face and rarely showed vulnerability, but according to Logan, who heard from Camille, she was starting to crack. He just prayed Lucy wouldn't make James grovel for much longer as it was getting awkward to watch his usually buff, strong-willed friend _bootlicking_.

Though more than anything else, Kendall was damn proud of how much he’d grown.

Proud, and somewhat annoyed. James' primary tactic to show Lucy no one else mattered to him was by acting exactly in accordance with that philosophy. That meant that when Kendall approached him while he was talking to Lucy to invite him to a game of Battle Blast, James promptly shut a door in his face. Carlos returned to the apartment soaking wet after a similar incident, as James had unceremoniously dumped him in the pool when he kept badgering them. Kendall didn't much mind when James was rude to him or Carlos, but he did take offence when James ignored Logan's invitation to get smoothies with them and locked him in the studio.

Kendall only let that slide because Logan was only amused and endeared by James' efforts.

It helped that James wasn't just ignoring his friends. He very deliberately rejected anyone who wanted his attention when he was with Lucy, showing with remarkable determination that no one was more important than her. James was just the right amount of attentive and sweet, while maintaining enough distance not to make Lucy feel pressured. He listened to her and actually paid attention, laughed at her jokes and showed genuine interest in her life.

So Kendall knew this was worth it. Lucy would end up agreeing to go out with James and the two of them would live happily ever after. Then James would return to his normal self and Kendall would orchestrate another make out session with Logan in front of him, as payback for treating him poorly. All would work out in the end.

"James?" He pushed when he got no reaction.

"Sorry. What?"

"You're not going to Lucy's tonight?"

"No," James sighed. "She's going to dinner with her parents. Lucy hasn't seen them since she went on tour."

"You should've gone!" Carlos told him. "Introduce yourself as the future boyfriend."

"That would've been a horrible idea," Logan chastised.

"Right," James answered. "I need a distraction. Do you want to go out tonight?"

"I'm going to the arcade!" Carlos announced.

James nodded. "Cool. I'm in."

"I'll text Stephanie that you're coming along."

James' jaw set and he looked down at the floor, but not before Kendall caught a glimpse of resentment. It lasted only a moment and by the time he turned to Kendall and Logan his smile was back. "Are you coming?"

Logan looked up at Kendall questioningly. They intended to go stargazing tonight, but during the afternoon it started raining and the night promised to be cloudy and cold; not ideal weather. "We can go stargazing tomorrow," Logan suggested.

Kendall nodded. "Sure."

James' expression was unreadable when Kendall turned back to him. "You were going on a date?"

"Yeah," Logan answered excitedly. "We planned to go stargazing, but for that to work we need a clear sky. So we can come."

Kendall had the strong feeling that was the wrong thing to say. He turned out to be right; as soon as the elevator dinged James got off and paced ahead of them back to the apartment. Carlos and Logan didn't notice, but all of it reminded Kendall of his last fallout with James. He felt guilty when he realised he never followed up on James' weird behaviour then.

Kendall decided to pay more attention to James tonight. He missed his friend; the last time they hung out together had been a long time ago and admittedly, that had mostly been Kendall's fault. James was the friend who'd always depended on him the least, but Kendall also knew he had a hard time asking for support when he did need it. That support had been mostly unavailable while Kendall was distracted by Logan.

Mom and Katie were waiting for them with food when they arrived at the apartment. James was silent all through dinner, picking at his salad and eventually pushing it aside without eating a thing. Kendall had a strange sense of foreboding when the rest of them finished eating and everyone but James got ready to leave for the arcade.

Kendall finished putting his shoes on and turned to James, who was lingering somewhere between the front door and the back hallway. "Are you coming?" Kendall asked, knowing the answer already.

"I don't feel so good," James told him, looking him straight in his eyes; he knew Kendall saw right through him and was challenging him to call him out on it.

This wasn't a fight Kendall intended to pick tonight. Carlos started to protest, but Kendall held up a hand to stop him. "Okay. Feel better."

James nodded and disappeared to his room. Kendall turned to Carlos and Logan, both of them staring at him. "What was that?" Logan asked confused.

Kendall ushered the both of them out the door before they could try to get to James. "I have a vague idea."

"Is he mad at us?" Carlos asked.

"No," Kendall sighed. "He's not mad."

Carlos frowned at him. "Will you fix it?"

"I will," Kendall promised.

* * *

Once at the arcade Kendall managed to forget mostly about James. On their way over he'd worked out exactly what the problem was and Kendall knew how to fix it; by tomorrow evening James would be fine. Kendall thought he was a little bit of a drama queen, which was nothing new, but it did exasperate him.

Kendall smiled and paid the bartender for their drinks before bringing them back to their table. Carlos, Logan and Stephanie unanimously decided to kick him out of their air-hockey tournament. Kendall knew he had it coming; he was awesome at whatever game was put in front of him and he refused to go easy on them. So, instead, he got drinks and settled at the table to watch them.

Logan was up against Stephanie, the two of them laughing as they tried to get the puck past each other. Kendall loved to see Logan smile; his face lit up and his eyes would turn into these cheerful little bows. Also, each time he bent over a bit of white skin appeared above his khakis and Kendall was already thinking of later tonight when he would get to slide his hand along his silky skin again.

Kendall wished stargazing would've worked out tonight. Going out with Carlos and Stephanie was fun, but since the point of this outing was to distract James, tonight was pointless. Kendall and Logan spent almost every second of every day together, but while they were still hiding their relationship from Gustavo and the rest of the world, Kendall never got to spend as much time alone with Logan as he wanted to.

And since admitting to himself how deeply he fell in love with Logan, pretending not to be became a thousand times harder.

Kendall longed for those rare moments where he could touch Logan freely. Just to hold his hand or touch his face or press his lips to Logan's temple to smell his hair. He wanted to talk without watching his every word, tell Logan about everything he wanted for them, but above all he wanted to listen. Logan rarely spoke his mind, aside from those moments he felt truly comfortable, and the last time was when they went on their first date. Kendall desperately wanted to know everything on Logan's mind, what he wanted to do in the future and if he planned on staying with Kendall and what kind of doctor he wanted to be and if he wanted to look into getting a place with Kendall when he went to college.

And, maybe, finally find out what it was that kept startling him.

There was no more denying it; two weeks ago Logan almost ran out on him after the first time they touched each other, as if he thought he was dirty, and last Monday at Lucy's welcome back he'd frozen up when Kendall talked cursed at Beau. The cold he felt whenever one of his friends was keeping secrets from him was back in his chest. Though this time around, that cold felt more like an icicle piercing his heart. He prayed it was something minor, a little bump in the road they would easily get passed, but he feared worse.

"Dude, Kendall.”

"What?" He asked vaguely. Logan just scored and Kendall involuntarily smiled when he saw him cheer.

"You need to stop staring at Logan," Carlos answered.

Kendall looked up then, but he only seemed amused.

"Only if you mean to keep your relationship a secret. If you want the news to get out this is what you need to keep doing."

His first instinct was to tell Carlos to mind his own business, but he stopped himself before he snapped and ran a hand through his hair. Carlos was just looking out for them. "I know," He sighed. "Thank you for warning me."

"How long is it supposed to stay a secret?"

"Until after tour," Kendall answered, his eyes now focused on his coke. The end of their tour was still five months away. Hiding, keeping secrets, pretending to be someone else; Kendall hated faking with a passion, but for Logan he'd suck it up.

"That's a long time," Carlos commented.

"Yeah."

"Why not share sooner?"

Kendall looked up to meet his eyes. There were a lot of reasons they weren't ready to go public. They had only been dating for a few weeks, and despite how Kendall felt, it was too soon for them to come out. There was also the band's reputation to consider, which would take a serious hit even if the majority was supportive. But most importantly, and what Kendall and Logan hadn't discussed with James and Carlos yet, there might not be a band to consider after tour. All of them would be free to do as they pleased.

He studied Carlos for a moment, who was uncharacteristically serious. Kendall wondered if he had an ulterior motive for coining this topic, apart from interest in their plans. After all, Stephanie was considering the job in London and a move like that must be weighing heavily on him. "I think you know," Kendall said hesitantly, trying to coax out whatever it was Carlos had on his mind.

Carlos nodded slowly. "Do you still want to play hockey?"

"Yes," Kendall answered truthfully.

"And Logan still wants to be a doctor?"

"Yes."

"And James?"

At this point Carlos had given himself away completely and Kendall decided to be honest as well. "I haven't figured that out yet, bud."

Carlos nodded slowly. "Me either. I'm scared to ask."

Kendall smiled a bit. "If you want to go with Stephanie when she signs a deal, you should," He encouraged gently.

"I haven't decided on that yet," Carlos mumbled.

"I know, but you shouldn't let our feelings get in the way of whatever you want to do."

"But that's the only reason I haven't decided yet."

Carlos truly was the truest, nicest person he ever met. "Carlos, the moment one of us decides they want to pursue something else, that's it. I don't want to be in a band when someone else wants out. And at this point you're not the only one who is seriously considering another path."

"Logan?" He guessed.

"Yeah. He got into UCLA, he's trying to decide if he wants to go in September."

"That's awesome," Carlos sighed happily. Kendall loved that his first instinct was to be happy for his friend. "He should go."

"I'm working on that," Kendall agreed. "But he says he doesn't want to unless we're all okay with it."

"I'm going to travel the world with my girlfriend, who I love. I'll be fine," Carlos said dismissively. "I don't know about James."

"The moment the band ends James will be offered contracts from music producers and modelling agencies and Broadway recruiters, he will be brilliant no matter what he does. I'm not too worried about it."

"But James will be worried about it."

"Yes," Kendall sighed, because that was the same problem he came down to.

"We need to show James he is awesome."

Kendall grinned and shook his head. "I swear, half of my life revolves around making James happy."

"Yes. But! James always has your back."

"Right," He snorted. Kendall couldn't remember the last time he hung out with James when they weren't working. He decided to change the subject, because the state of his friendship with James was bringing up a lot of anxiety. Tomorrow he'd fix him. "Don't worry about us, Carlos. No matter what happens, we'll always be your friends."

"Even James?"

"Yes, James too."

Carlos was quiet for a moment. "What will you do when Logan goes to college?"

Kendall involuntarily looked back at Logan, who was bent over the table in his final attempt to win his game against Stephanie. "I hope I can find a place with Logan when we have to move out of 2J," Kendall told him. Then he added quickly, "And I'm going to give hockey a shot."

Carlos didn't answer immediately and Kendall was distracted by the pair at the air hockey table. He smiled when Logan won the game against Stephanie and did a happy dance. She demanded a rematch and Logan happily obliged. "James is right."

"What?" Kendall asked vaguely.

"You're in love with Logan."

Kendall looked up once again and opened his mouth to deny it, but then paused and looked down at the table. "Yes," He admitted. Kendall wasn't too surprised James and Carlos were gossiping about them, he was a little surprised that James figured that out already. "Don't tell Logan."

"I won't."

"How does James know?"

Carlos shrugged. "James says he knew since the day after your first date."

After Lucy's welcome back party Kendall didn't doubt that. Lucy guessed they were dating, as did Camille and Jo, it wasn't much of a leap that James saw through them too. He was much closer to them, after all, and Kendall was aware he wore his heart on his sleeve. "I don't know how to hide it," Kendall muttered, fixing his eyes on the table when he felt the urge to look at Logan again.

"You're not a good actor," Carlos agreed.

"I know, dude," He said dryly.

The nose of Carlos' sneaker collided painfully with his shin. "I'm trying to say you shouldn't act at all. We have awesome fans, most of them will just cheer you guys on. The ones that have a problem I don't want as fans anyway."

Kendall wondered if the problem was truly that easy. Carlos was right about bigoted fans, but he knew there was more than just their reaction to consider. Gustavo would have an opinion, just as the media, and most important; James and Logan were still against the idea. It was yet another problem Kendall knew they had to discuss about amongst the four of them.

"We have a lot to talk about," Kendall sighed.

"We do," Carlos agreed. "Sometimes I think I learn more about you guys through gossiping with the others."

Kendall smiled. Carlos had no idea how right he was. "It works, though. Most of the time."

Carlos nodded. "I love you."

Kendall hopped out of the booth and the next moment Carlos nearly lifted him off his feet when he hugged him. "I love you too, bud," Kendall laughed.

"Can I join this? I just lost," Logan said when he appeared next to them.

Carlos pulled him in and Logan smiled, wrapping his arms around both of them. Kendall's heart filled with pride. No matter what, between the four of them they would work it out.

"I miss James," Logan told them, as if he was reading Kendall's mind.

"Will you fix him, Kendall?" Carlos asked again.

"Yes," He promised.

After sixteen years of friendship Kendall couldn't quite grasp why James felt the way he did, but he knew how to fix it. James had valid reasons to feel insecure, he admitted somewhat begrudgingly, and Kendall was reminded of the shy, chubby kid he used to be. Kendall was positive he could solve James' problem more easily this time.

They finished their drinks and walked home, Stephanie and Carlos in front of Logan and him. She was giving a detailed description of her last air-hockey match against Logan and Kendall understood more and more of why she wanted to be with Carlos. They had the same desire for fun and joy in their lives and always went all-in.

Once they reached the park Logan began walking little bits closer to him, brushing his arm along his. Kendall smiled to himself and draped his arm around his shoulders, melting further when Logan rested his head to his chest. "I'm worried about James," He confessed.

"You don't have to be."

"Did we do something to hurt him?"

"No," Kendall soothed. "I'd say he's being stupid, but I believe he has a good reason to be."

Logan nodded. They reached the lobby and Kendall reached down to lace their fingers while they were waiting on the elevator. Logan was sweet and compassionate and Kendall craved to be alone with him. For once not to satisfy his desperate need for Logan, but just to sooth him. Logan was so private and closed off about his feelings, the concern he did express was just the tip of the iceberg.

After wishing Stephanie and Carlos goodnight, the two of them made their way to their room. Logan used the bathroom first and by the time Kendall returned to the room, Logan was undressed to his underwear and looking through his closet for pyjamas.

"Don't," Kendall requested softly when Logan wanted to pull on a long-sleeved, dark blue pair. He stepped up behind him and placed a kiss to the back of his neck.

"I'm not really in the mood tonight," Logan whispered. They usually slept in PJ’s when they didn’t get to messing around.

"That's not why I asked," He confessed, taking his time to slide his arms around Logan's body to pull him close. "It makes me feel closer to you when it's just your skin along mine."

Logan turned around and looked up at him, his cheeks faintly pink and those huge, round eyes filled with emotion. Kendall's resolve melted instantly, he took Logan's face in his hands and kissed him softly. Thin fingers wrapped around his wrists to keep him close and all Kendall could think about was getting more of this, just Logan and his silky skin and his warmth and his lips.

Slowly Kendall made his way to his bed and he carefully laid Logan back before crawling in beside him. Just this was what Kendall wanted for tonight, Logan in his arms, maybe talk for a bit before going to sleep.

It was only a few minutes before Logan pulled away and placed his ear over Kendall's heart. He had done that countless times since they started dating, but Kendall never got used to it. The gesture was so lovely and sweet and every single time Kendall had to fight not to speak those three words that were always on his mind. Logan wasn't ready to hear them, and truthfully, Kendall wasn't ready to tell him.

There was still the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that Logan wasn't telling him everything.

Logan was always reluctant to talk about his feelings, but Kendall knew that when Logan did, he was the person he came to. The fact that he wasn’t talking now could mean a wide variety of things, but Kendall’s instinct told him this was something to worry about.

. Kendall knew that if he had to explain it to someone else, they would tell him his alarm was based on a hunch. The moments Logan acted strangely were rare, he was completely fine on most days. He worked hard on the band and his schoolwork, he hung out with friends and he was generally relaxed and happy. But then there were the times they hung out alone, when Logan almost seemed… _afraid_ of him. He would be quiet and hide his face, while simultaneously clinging to him, and it terrified Kendall to his bones.

The looming sense of foreboding kept him up for a long time after Logan fell asleep. With his mother moving out, the uncertain future of the band, James’ fickle behaviour when it came to his friends and Carlos’ very real plans to move halfway across the world, Kendall felt like he was losing all control. The last thing he needed was Logan keeping secrets from him too. Kendall could handle anything that was thrown at him as long as Logan stayed with him.

Kendall feared he wouldn’t.

* * *

On Saturday morning, after kissing Logan awake and instigating a tickle fight just to hear him laugh, Kendall set out to find James. Logan said something about finishing a research paper at the library and trying out a new recipe and Carlos shovelled his cereal in his mouth in record time to spend his day off with Stephanie, so Kendall knew James wasn't with them. He hoped Lucy was out with her parents again, because trying to pry James away from her would be impossible.

It turned out that Kendall didn't even have to search, as James walked into 2J before he had even finished his coffee. He was dressed in sweats and a tank and vaguely greeted them before disappearing into the bathroom. Kendall sighed and went to refill his mug. James had a whole morning routine and wouldn't come out for forty minutes.

Mindlessly Kendall scrolled through his socials while he was thinking over what to tell James. Yes, all his friends were in happy relationships, but that was no reason to cut himself out. Stephanie was fun to be around and Kendall and Logan couldn't act like a couple in public anyway, there was no reason for him to feel like a fifth wheel. Besides, in two more weeks James would ask Lucy out and they would start dating and the whole problem would cease to exist.

He looked up when James reappeared, dressed only in his underwear and making his way back to his room while towelling his hair dry. Kendall rolled his eyes and trailed after him, glad his baby sister wasn't in the apartment for that show. James was in front of his closet when Kendall entered his bedroom. He didn't bother to knock and just shut the door behind him before settling on James' bed.

"I knew you'd show up,” James sassed.

"Good," Kendall answered optimistically.

James was critically looking between two identical white shirts and very pointedly ignored his presence. Kendall knew that wouldn't last long and patiently waited for James to stop wasting time on his outfit. They played this game often, and James never won before.

"I know what's bothering me, I don't need the speech."

"All right."

"I'm sorry.”

"It's fine, dude. Contrary to what everyone believes, I don't enjoy giving speeches."

"Yes, you do," He said dryly. James put both the white shirts back in the closet and pulled out a pastel lilac one Kendall thought was hideous. "Anyway. That wasn't what I was apologising for."

"Then why?"

"I'm sorry for parading all my dates in front of you guys all those years."

Kendall laughed in surprise. Whatever he'd expected James to say, that wasn't it.

"I mean it," James said seriously. "I didn't realise how rude it was until now."

"I believe you," Kendall assured him. "You shouldn't feel bad though, I wasn't any better."

He shrugged. "You tried to be discreet, at least. I just hit on anyone within arm-length and made out with them up against the nearest wall."

James wasn't lying and Kendall didn't know how to twist that into something nice. "Why is that bothering you all of a sudden?"

"Cause. Carlos was always jealous back then, but I never considered his feelings. I just told him to suck it up. But now he has everything I want coming to him _so_ _easily_ and it fucking hurts."

Kendall frowned, because James was confessing to a horrible bout of envy and hypocrisy that Kendall wasn't sure he wanted to know about. "Carlos is not dating Stephanie to taunt you," He answered, his voice starker than he intended.

"I know. I'd never tell him this," James sighed. "Carlos deserves everything he has coming to him. Stephanie is a total smoke show and completely nuts, I couldn't have imagined a better girl for him."

"Good."

"I can't stand to be around them though. Ever since I can remember, people throw themselves at me. This is the first time I really fall for someone, and she rejects me. Carlos always had to try hard and rarely even got to kiss a girl, but when he fell in love everything went so effortlessly."

"James, I hate to say it, but this might be the time to take your own advice and suck it up."

"You're supposed to help me, not insult me," James grumbled.

Kendall raised an eyebrow. "I am helping you. Carlos is not your problem, you are. I know it's hard to see him get everything you want with Lucy, but he's your best friend. You'll regret it if you take your jealousy out on him."

"I wouldn't do that."

"All right. Then stop pouting and running to your room when Carlos invites her along and just come with us. We miss you."

"You do?"

"Yes, James," Kendall sighed. "Sometimes I can't think of why, but Carlos and Logan are pretty adamant they want you around, so I guess I'll tolerate it."

James attempted to hit him with a pillow, but Kendall just grinned and dodged it. "You love me," James told him.

Kendall smiled when James sat next to him on the bed. "I thought you didn't want to come with us because you don't want to be a fifth wheel."

"Yeah, there's that too," He admitted quietly.

"You shouldn't think of it as going out with two couples."

"Yeah, that's not happening," James said sarcastically.

"Hear me out," Kendall chastised.

"Fine."

"You should think of those nights we go out as a group, as one girl, going out with four friends who have known each other for _sixteen years_ , who live together and spend _all their time_ together in a band."

James didn't answer and Kendall hoped he was letting it sink in. The four of them shared a friendship unlike anything else, no one besides them would ever understand what they went through to get here. As close Stephanie was to Carlos, she could never replace what James meant to them.

"It’s also a lot less romantic then you're imagining. Carlos and Stephanie are both fanatics, they kept fighting over who got the highest scores at the arcade yesterday."

James chuckled involuntarily.

"And Logan and I can't act like a couple at all in public, so there's nothing to worry about there either."

"Yeah, okay," He mumbled.

"Come on, man. We need you there." Kendall nudged him with his shoulder. "Carlos kept making jokes no one understood, because they were all about the stupid stunts he undertakes with you."

"Someone needs to be there to catch him when whatever he does goes wrong, Logan can only talk him out of the life threatening stuff."

Kendall felt faintly worried, but ignored it to continue making his point. "Logan's always worried about you when you don't come along."

James hummed, but Kendall was sure he caught a hint of a smile as well.

"And I need you to challenge me. Last night they kicked me off their little air-hockey tournament because I kept beating them."

James snorted. "You must've thought you were the shit."

"I did," Kendall confirmed, smirking. "It's such an easy game too, all you need is to find the right angle to get the puck in."

"Smug, much?"

"I am awesome, pretty boy. None of them even came close to beating me."

James rolled his eyes. "You desperately need me, one more night of that and you won't be able to hold your big head up any longer."

Kendall grinned widely, because when James insulted him it meant he was back to his old self. "Everyone wants you around, James. Carlos needs to goof off with someone, Logan likes talking to you for some inane reason and I can't touch him in public anyway, so you might as well come too."

"That sits deep, huh?" James laughed, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, I'll come with you next time."

"Good," Kendall said resolutely. "Don't let your jealousy get in the way. Just keep doing what you already do and in two weeks it won't matter anyway, because you'll be dating Lucy."

"If she says yes when I ask her out," He sighed.

"Lucy would never string you along if she wasn't into you too, she's not mean."

"I keep telling myself that, but there are these moments when she looks at me like I'm the scariest thing in the world. The next second she's fine, just maybe a bit clingier than she normally is. It's like, she can't decide if she can trust me and the next all she wants is for me to stick around longer."

The coldness Kendall's chest reappeared suddenly, full force. "What are you doing when that happens?" He asked, hoping James would clarify the feeling for him. Kendall's intuition never let him down, but he had no clue what more was bothering James. They just made up.

James shrugged. "All we do is talk. Mostly when we're walking around the park or when we're alone in her apartment."

"What do you talk about?"

"Everything. Her parents, life on tour, her friends back home," James summed up, then he added. "Beau comes up a lot."

Beau was a problem, but as far as Kendall knew he was out of the picture. "How does Lucy react when you talk about Beau?"

"She doesn't look at me when she talks and afterwards she's quiet and usually only up for low-key activities, or she starts writing songs. But sometimes she'll hug me and stay like that for hours. I definitely don't mind," James said quickly. "It's just a strange reaction."

Kendall didn't answer right away, because he figured out why Lucy's behaviour alarmed him and his mind was rapidly going through the last couple of weeks to connect more dots. "Do you think she keeps things from you?"

"Yes," He answered. "I know she does. I'm not too worried about it though, we haven't even had a first date yet. Carlos says it takes time to build the kind of trust where she'll tell me everything."

“Yeah,” Kendall said vaguely. He actually thought James and Lucy were communicating remarkably well.

“Why do you ask?”

"I don't mean to pry," Kendall murmured apologetically. "It's just that Logan has been acting much like Lucy and I don't know why."

James met his eyes briefly, but where Kendall expected to see surprise or concern, there was only frustration. The next second his expression was carefully blank and he looked in his lap. “That’s crazy, why-”

“What do you know?” Kendall interrupted. James wasn’t a better liar than Logan and he had no patience for his obvious sidestep.

He just shrugged, his eyes fixed on Carlos' bed across the room. "Nothing."

"James."

"Fine, I know everything," James snapped. "I just can't tell you."

That hurt. James clearly made a promise not to talk to Kendall, which meant it wasn't James who didn't want him to know. It was Logan.

Logan, who told James everything about this thing he was keeping from Kendall. Logan, who went to great lengths to keep him from finding out. "FUCK. I knew there was something," Kendall burst. He jumped up and started pacing. "Why doesn't he tell me?"

"If I knew that we wouldn't be in this mess."

Kendall swirled back to him. "What _mess_?"

James sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I can't talk about it. Please, don't put me in the middle."

"You're making that very difficult for me."

"I'm sorry, all right? I shouldn't have said anything. I slipped up. I just thought Logan would've told you by now."

"Told me _what_?!" Kendall growled.

"I can't," James told him regretfully. "You need to talk to Logan."

"Logan doesn't talk! I've to drag everything out of him!"

"And you think it will help his trust issues when I tell you his secrets?"

Kendall's mouth shut abruptly.

James nodded grimly. "Exactly. I really am sorry, Kendall.”

"Yeah. Fine."

“I can’t talk to you now, but I will once Logan has told you. If that helps.”

Kendall rolled his eyes, because James must know that wasn’t helpful. At all.

James smiled weakly and scooted off the bed. "Thanks for, you know, talking to me. That helped."

Kendall sighed. "Yeah."

"I'm gonna head to Lucy's now."

James gathered his phone and wallet before leaving the room. Kendall sat back on James' bed and stayed long after he left.

Lucy went through something awful with Beau. He strung her along, gaslighted her and cheated repeatedly. She was right to be careful getting into a relationship with a guy like James. Kendall would've understood it if she refused to give him a chance at all. Instead, Lucy told him what happened to her and cautiously let James close.

Close enough that she had moments when she didn't want him to leave at all.

Logan had those too. He sought Kendall out whenever he got the chance, to hold his hand or to kiss him or just to be near him when they were in public. Kendall loved to have his hands on Logan and gladly indulged in it whenever he got the chance, but that wasn't normal behaviour for Logan.

Kendall didn't actually know what normal behaviour for Logan in a relationship was.

The truth was that he knew next to nothing about Logan's dating history. He briefly dated Camille years ago, but that had been so awkward, even to watch, that Kendall never counted it as a relationship. Then there was a whole lot of nothing, until Logan started messing around with that guy he met at some party.

At the time Kendall thought it was curious, but didn't pay too much attention to them. He just broke up with Jo and was taking full advantage of his bachelorhood as an adult. At the time his next lay was much more important than what his friends were up to. He noticed, of course, when Logan started disappearing with some guy, and he had asked James about it once. He told Kendall not to worry, Logan was just sowing his wild oats.

Back then that made sense to him. Logan kept himself so sheltered, it was past time he explored a bit.

However, presently, Kendall grew more concerned the longer he thought about it.

Logan didn’t have a wild oat in his body. He didn’t do one night stands, or friends with benefits. Even after dating for weeks he never initiated more than a kiss. Logan was willing enough when Kendall did, yes, but always as part of intimacy and closeness. Casual relationships didn’t fulfil that need, the whole purpose of such an arrangement was just to alleviate sexual frustration, and Logan needed his relationships to be meaningful.

So why did Logan sneak around with some guy he never introduced to his friends? Kendall knew next to nothing about him, he didn’t even have a name. Logan mentioned him a few times, but only when someone else brought his absence, and never in much detail. His mind burst with questions he urgently needed answers to. Who was he? How did Logan meet him? When did they stop seeing each other? What did they do? Where did he take Logan?

Did he treat Logan right?

And more importantly, had it been consensual?

Kendall was terrified he knew the answer to that question.

* * *

After eating a quick dinner with the guys and his family Logan and he headed out for their date. They spent all day apart; Logan was at the library for research and after Kendall's talk to James he helped his mom and Katie pack for their move. The prospect still made his chest contract tightly and the pain he felt at the idea of not seeing them every day ran deep, but Kendall knew it was time for them to go.

That, along with everything James revealed that morning, led him to be unusually broody and his mother quickly picked up on that. "What's going on, honey?" She asked when Katie left the room.

"Logan is hiding something from me."

"That is a tough one," She sighed. "But if I know Logan even a little bit, the last thing he means to do is hurt you."

"James knows, he wouldn't tell me either."

"Because it's not his place to tell Logan's secret?"

"I know," Kendall muttered. "But the way he talked about it makes me think something bad happened."

"And now you can't let it go?"

"No. I can't stand it. Why doesn't Logan want to tell me?" Kendall laid back on the bed and ran a hand down his face.

His mother sat next to him and placed a hand over his arm. "I know you like to keep tabs on your friends and you hate it when they keep stuff from you, but I don’t think Logan purposely means to hide anything from you."

"So why doesn't he just tell me?"

"I don't know what happened, honey. I can't look in Logan's head and explain to you why he chooses not to talk to you about it. I do know that he doesn't have a malicious bone in his body. I'm willing to bet the only reason he hasn't told you is because he's scared."

"Of me?"

"Maybe not so much of you as of other repercussions."

"I just want to help him," Kendall mumbled.

"Logan knows that, but you can be a little overbearing when he or James or Carlos are hurt. He's an adult and he knows perfectly well how to take care of himself. Maybe give him some more space?"

Kendall was still thinking over her words while he climbed up the hill stargazers on the internet recommended, clutching Logan's hand tightly in his. The idea of giving Logan more space didn't sit right with him at all. Logan was clearly scared and Kendall's sole instinct was to stay near and hold him closer.

For once, Logan's obliviousness to other people's emotions was a blessing. He was so excited to go stargazing with Kendall that he hadn't stopped spewing facts on various heavenly bodies since they left the apartment. Kendall thought it was the cutest thing ever and usually Logan's cheerful exhilaration would be contagious, but tonight Kendall barely managed to answer him in time when asked a question.

"Over there?" Kendall suggested when they reached a clearing along a cliff. He'd spotted a few groups of people with telescopes further down the hill, but they encountered no one else for a while and Kendall hoped to have some privacy behind the treeline.

Logan's face lit up and he let go of Kendall to check it out. "Yes!"

Kendall easily saw why this was an excellent spot for astronomy hobbyists; they were far enough from the city that the streetlight wouldn't be a problem, but they still had an excellent view of it over the cliff. This place was very romantic and his eyes automatically drifted to Logan, who was setting up their blanket. He was still contemplating outright asking Logan about his dating history, and maybe finally get some answers to his worries, but he hated the idea of doing so tonight. They were rarely alone for longer than an hour and Kendall desperately needed quality time with his favourite person in the world.

Especially when Logan was emitting so much childlike exuberance.

"Where do you want this?" He asked, holding up the telescope. It was an old, clunky device that Logan had inherited from a great uncle.

Logan came over to take it from him and stumbled under the awkward distribution of weight before he managed to take it to the spot he desired.

Kendall smiled and helped him unfold the tripod. "How do you manage to get it up here on your own?" He asked, when Logan staggered under the weight again.

"I've only ever gone stargazing on the roof of the Palm Woods," Logan admitted. "It isn't a bad spot, but all the lights in the city do obstruct the view. I hope to have a clearer view here, in the dark."

"Why not buy one that's more easily transportable?"

Logan shrugged. "I don't do this often enough to justify the money I'd spend."

Kendall had an inkling that Logan didn't go because no one wanted to come with him, and not so much because he couldn't bring the telescope by himself. He felt terrible that Logan never got to fully enjoy his hobby and he decided to get him a better one soon -even though lugging around heavy stuff for Logan made him feel useful.

Logan was setting up the telescope and Kendall watched him fondly. He would also pay more attention to Logan the rest of the night. It didn't matter that he was hiding something, he probably had a good reason. Logan was so obviously happy to be here with him and Kendall loved nothing more than the smile he had on his face now. He would find another opportunity to ask his questions.

When Logan finished Kendall took his hands and pulled him into his body. "I'm sorry I didn't go with you before."

"You told me why, it's fine. I'm glad you're here though."

Kendall was convinced 'glad' was an understatement. "I'm excited too," Kendall told him, leaning in to kiss him softly. "Will you teach me about space and stuff?"

"If you want me to."

"Yes. I want to hear all you've got."

"Okay! Come." Logan took his hand to guide him behind the telescope. "Find the moon."

Kendall pressed his eye over the eye piece, surprised by the number of stars he saw through the little lens. He moved it around until he found the large white body in the sky. "Wow! How do I zoom out?"

Logan helped him adjust the settings and started rattling off facts about the moon. Kendall barely kept up and registered only half the information, but his enthusiasm was contagious. They spent an hour behind the telescope, with Logan finding constellations and planets for Kendall to look at while he continued his narrative. Kendall really did find all of it interesting, though he had to admit that was mostly due to his wonderful teacher. Logan had an amazing voice and suddenly Kendall was looking forward to tour, when he'd get to listen to him sing every day for months.

"You're cold!" Kendall laughed when Logan's hands brushed his.

"Oh. Yeah, maybe a little."

Kendall shook his head and pulled him to their blanket to dig out the sweaters he brought. "Here."

Logan wanted to go back to the telescope, but Kendall had other plans for now and tugged him down between his legs. "Let's warm up for bit," He explained when Logan looked up at him.

"Yeah, okay," Logan sulked, but he pressed closer to Kendall's chest.

Kendall smiled. "We'll continue later," He promised. "You're a good teacher."

"You said you wanted to know everything."

"I do," Kendall answered, kissing his temple. "But now I want you to warm up."

"Oh!" Logan said suddenly, struggling out of Kendall's arms to get to the bag. Kendall watched curiously as he proceeded to take out a plastic container he didn't remember packing. Logan came back to lean against his chest before taking the lid off to show him the content. "I saw the recipe for lemon cupcakes on Facebook yesterday and I thought I'd try it out," He explained, handing one to him. Logan's cheeks flushed and he looked down as he put the container aside. "As a thank you for coming with me tonight."

Kendall's heart burst with love for Logan and he used his free arm to pull him into his body tightly. "You're sweet," He murmured, which didn't come close to what he really wanted to tell Logan. "And you didn't have to do that, but I do love lemon flavoured things."

"It's a little cheesy," Logan whispered.

"Good thing I'm a total sap," Kendall told him, pressing his lips along Logan's jaw.

"Really?"

"Logan, I keep taking you on picnics, the last three movies I suggested we watch were romcoms and as everyone keeps pointing out, I can't keep my hands off you. You really couldn't tell?"

"I thought you were doing those things for my sake," Logan answered, turning slightly so he could look up at Kendall.

"I'm glad you enjoy it too, but it definitely wasn't just because you like it."

"So if I were to fill the roof with candles and fairy lights and roses and we have dinner with classical music playing-

Kendall laughed. "Is this a real suggestion? When can we do that?"

Logan's face got even pinker and he leaned in to kiss Kendall softly. "I like you a lot."

Kendall melted and peppered little kisses along his cheek. "I like you a lot too. Now, let me try this."

Logan obviously put a lot of work into the cupcakes; the frosting was piped on beautifully and Logan decorated them with the little rainbow hearts Kendall recognised from the birthday cake his mother baked Katie a couple months ago. "Damn, these are amazing," He said after taking the first bite.

"Really?"

"Yes. Do you have more at home?"

"I made six, but Carlos came in just when I finished so I'm pretty sure he has devoured the others by now. But I can make new ones tomorrow?"

"I'll help you, I need to know this recipe. Lemon flavoured things are my favourite."

Logan grinned. "I know, that's why I wanted to try these."

Kendall leaned in to kiss him again, sliding his arms around Logan to keep him close. He felt a lot warmer already, but Kendall wasn't ready to go back to stargazing yet. Logan was saying all kinds of amazing things and he wanted to keep him talking for a while longer. "Carlos told me he is seriously considering going with Stephanie if she accepts the deal in London," Kendall told him.

"Huh? When?"

"Yesterday, when you were playing against Stephanie."

"Oh," Logan answered. "I'm not really surprised. I can't imagine it though, Carlos moving away from us."

"No," Kendall answered. "Who will keep him alive?"

"That's always been a three person job, however will Stephanie manage on her own?"

Kendall laughed. "We'll write her a handbook on Carlos wrangling."

Logan grinned, but turned in Kendall's arms to look up at him. "Are you okay with that?"

"Yeah," Kendall answered, wiping the bit of frosting off Logan's nose. "I will miss him, but we'll be touring a whole summer before I have to say goodbye to him. And even then, as long as you stay I'm more than fine."

"I'm staying with you," Logan answered, leaning in to kiss him.

"We need to talk to James soon," Kendall told him. "I don't actually know what he's thinking about all of this."

"We do," Logan agreed, then his eyes widened. "Did you get to talk to him about yesterday?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Is he okay? What did he say?"

"James apologised for parading all his dates in front of us for years."

Logan frowned. "Huh?"

"He's jealous of Carlos. Everything about his relationship with Stephanie came so easy to him after years of struggling with girls. This is the first time James wants to be in a relationship and nothing about it is going smoothly. He didn't realise how rude it was to flaunt his conquests in our faces until he watched Carlos be so obviously happy and in love."

"Carlos doesn't do it on purpose."

"That's why I told James to suck it up."

"You couldn't have said that nicely?" Logan sighed.

"He was being a baby. Telling him to suck it up was the nicest way to express what I was actually thinking."

"I just don't get why you're always picking fights."

Kendall frowned. "Logan, we didn't fight. If anything we talked more yesterday than we have in weeks."

"But you spend every day together."

"That's work. The last time I hung out with him we went to the gym, but you can't do a whole lot of talking there."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't notice."

"I think out of all of us you spend the most time with him."

Logan cast his eyes. "We talk."

Kendall had a hard time suppressing the question that popped in his mind. "Anyway," He said, feeling his stomach drop when relief crossed Logan's face. Clearly he'd been afraid Kendall would ask too. Knowing that didn’t make him feel better. "I thought he was scared of being the fifth wheel when he'd come with us."

"That makes more sense," Logan answered weakly. He rested his head against Kendall's chest and slipped an arm around his middle.

"I convinced him that he'd never be a fifth wheel with us," He said softly, trailing his fingers along Logan's arm. "James is fine now, he's coming next time we go out."

"That's good."

"Yes," Kendall agreed. "It'll be fun to have him around again."

"Especially when it works out with Lucy."

"If James carries on like he does now, I don't see how it won't."

"He is rude to a lot of people for her."

"The other day he told me to fuck off when I interrupted her."

Logan smiled. "James pushed me aside when I wanted to go into the limo after Lucy so he could sit next to her."

Kendall hated it that James lay his hands on Logan and seriously reconsidered wanting him around. Hopefully James would return to normal once Lucy finally went out with him. "Maybe James will choose to go on tour with Lucy once ours is over," Kendall pondered.

"It would suck if both him and James travel halfway across the world."

"They'll come back," Kendall said optimistically, while simultaneously pulling Logan closer. "How about you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Have you made any decisions about college?"

Logan averted his eyes and pulled his lip between his teeth. Kendall didn't need to know any more then; Logan made his choice. "I really wanted to talk to James and Carlos first, but we're so busy and I'm not sure if we get a chance to before the deadline."

Kendall nodded. The decision letter had to be in before April, which was rapidly approaching. "What will you do?"

"I'm going to accept," Logan whispered. "Which is really fucking scary."

"I know," He answered, placing his lips to Logan's temple. "You won't be alone though."

Logan inhaled shakily before looking up at Kendall. "I feel really bad for saying it, but I'm really excited."

"You should be, you deserve to go. You've worked hard enough for it."

"I'll still need to tell James and Carlos. And your mom. And then we'll have a meeting with Gustavo and he'll blow up because he'll lose his biggest project. Fuck, this is a bad idea-"

Kendall kissed Logan then, moving his lips along Logan’s until he felt him relax. "Don't worry about it," He soothed, kissing along Logan's cheek. "Everyone will support you."

"But it will change everything."

"Yes," Kendall agreed. "But I once made a decision that changed everything and I'm pretty sure that only made everyone's lives better. What's to say we don't need the same nudge this time?"

Logan stared at him and Kendall smiled softly. "Ultimately it's up to you, but I think you're doing the right thing."

"Okay," Logan agreed, sounding a lot more secure. "Okay. I'm going to college."

"I'm proud of you."

"Really?"

"Yes, baby. Really, fucking proud."

Logan kissed him then, sliding his arms around Kendall's neck and turning a bit to straddle him. "You're amazing," He whispered.

Kendall smiled into their kiss and folded his hands around his hips to keep him close. "You'll do amazing."

"What will you do?" Logan asked him, playing with the hair in his neck.

He considered what he told Carlos the day before. Logan didn't know about his idea to move in together yet and actually suggesting it was nerve wracking. "I was actually hoping we could find a place together somewhere near campus," Kendall said carefully. "While I figure the hockey stuff out."

"Really?"

"I'd be lying if I said it wasn't also because we're dating, and if you want to we can get a two bedroom, but-"

Logan cut him off with a kiss. "I know why," He said softly, taking one of Kendall's cheeks in his hand. "And I'd love to live with you too."

The relief he felt was immense and Kendall captured Logan's lips, holding onto him tight as they kissed. The idea of living with Logan, finding an apartment and coming home to his love was wonderful. They could cook together and invite friends over and every night Logan would sleep in his arms in a bed they shared. The whole idea was perfect and just thinking about it made Kendall deliriously happy.

"What did I do to deserve you?" He whispered.

"You're sweet and thoughtful and you help me not freak out over silly things and you always make me feel good and-"

Kendall cut him off with another kiss when it was either that or tell him how much Kendall loved him; only Logan would answer a rhetorical question seriously.

Logan kissed him with the same urgency Kendall felt, pressing close to his body and sliding his hands up in his hair. "God, I missed you," Kendall whispered.

Logan nodded, gasping into Kendall's mouth when they rubbed together. It had been some time since the last time they were close. Kendall felt how much Logan wanted this too, so hard already and tugging onto Kendall's hair. "Kendall, I... just," Logan whispered, lips swollen and cheeks rosy when he pulled away.

"Anything, Logie. It's yours," Kendall told him, placing a hand on the small of his back. Logan arched into him and buried his face in Kendall's shoulder, his lips pressing to his skin anywhere he could reach. Kendall was reluctant to undress Logan in the cold, but his mind worked around the problem and he thought of something that required minimal clothes to be removed.

Kendall popped the button of Logan's jeans, sliding his hand into his briefs. Logan wrapped his arms around his neck when he took a hold of him, slowly stroking until he felt Logan harden completely. Kendall had a difficult time trying to ignore the soft moan Logan emitted when he pulled away, sliding both his arms around Logan's waist to flip him over.

He reconnected their lips, claiming his tongue while pushing Logan's jeans down enough to free him. "Shh," He murmured when Logan's breath hitched, softly kissing along his cheek.

Kendall had been dying to do this since he first kissed Logan. After brushing their lips together sweetly one more time, Kendall crawled down his body enough to take him into his mouth. Logan gasped and bucked up, so Kendall took hold of his hips to hold him down as he swallowed him down again. Kendall had a lot of one night stands, but this was something he didn't do often. He seemed to do well enough, Logan trembled in effort to keep his body down on the blanket and he had one of Kendall's hands in a death grip. It didn't take long for him to find a steady rhythm, spurred on by the noise Logan made.

"Kendall-" Logan gasped, digging his nails into his hands. Kendall appreciated the warning but didn't pull away, keeping his mouth on Logan when he came.

Kendall swallowed and pulled away, pulling Logan's briefs and jeans back up before dropping down on the blanket beside him. Logan was out of breath, staring up at the sky, but gladly sank into Kendall's arms when he was pulled into a hug. Kendall pressed his nose in Logan's hair and closed his eyes, ignoring his own arousal in favour of cuddling Logan close.

It took Logan a few minutes to recover, seeking out Kendall's lips when he did. Kendall smiled into the kiss and moved a hand to his cheek, pressing little kisses to his lips until Logan laughed and pushed his head back a bit. "You good?" Kendall asked him.

Logan nodded, his cheeks flushing. "Thank you."

Kendall kissed him softly. "My pleasure."

Logan stared at him, his eyes still dark, pupils wide and filled with wonder. Kendall softly caressed the soft skin under his eyes as he studied the person he'd fallen in love with so quickly. Clearly Logan didn't expect that answer.

When Logan recovered he resumed kissing Kendall, pressing his body up close to his. Kendall quickly felt himself harden again when his hands were back on Logan's skin, trailing his fingertips lightly along his side. A thigh brushed against him accidentally and Kendall groaned into Logan's mouth. "Um. Do you want me to..." Logan trailed off?

"Only if you want to," Kendall answered, tilting Logan's head until his lips reached the spot behind his ear. Kendall prayed to _god_ that Logan wanted to.

Logan pushed him onto his back and straddled him, his eyes dark as he leaned in for another slow kiss while opening his jeans. His hands shook slightly and Kendall lifted his hips to help Logan tug his underwear down. The cold air hit him hard and Kendall barely kept himself from moaning in anticipation, instead he took Logan's face in his hands and brought him close for a sweet kiss. Kendall couldn't wait to feel Logan's mouth on him for the first time, but that was not more important than making him feel loved. Logan met his eyes and for a moment Kendall thought he might back out, the vulnerability in the brown orbs was so clear. "Only if you want to," Kendall repeated, feeling how important it was to repeat his earlier statement.

Logan smiled then, brushing their lips together briefly. "I want to," He whispered before sliding down and engulfing him completely.

Kendall grasped onto the blanket at the sensation, "Logan, fuck." Logan was doing wonderful things with his mouth and while Kendall had blowjobs before, he didn't remember them to feel anything like this. Logan's hand landed on his thigh as the other wrapped around the base of his dick and his tongue ran along the underside until he could wrap his lips back around the head. Kendall thought this was the best thing he had ever felt, until Logan started sucking.

Kendall groaned in pleasure and dug his nails in his own skin to avoid grabbing onto Logan's head, especially when he hit the back of Logan's throat and he still didn't stop. "Oh my-" He muttered, fighting his orgasm. Logan pulled away slowly and ran his tongue along the side of his dick, stroking him slowly when he started mouthing at his balls. Kendall's breathing was uneven and he knew he wouldn't last much longer and apparently Logan knew, because he moaned softly and the vibrations sent Kendall right up to the edge. Kendall ran a hand through Logan's hair and he licked back up, taking Kendall into his mouth again. He started bobbing his head and his tongue ran along Kendall's slit and Kendall finally looked down.

Kendall was met with wide, brown eyes and lips stretched around him; it was too much and Kendall closed his eyes when he came. His leg shook and he groaned loudly, but Logan didn't pull away and stroked him until he had nothing more to give. "Damn," He whispered, running a hand down his face. This was by far the best head he'd ever gotten and Kendall wasn't sure what to think of it. Logan was amazing and wonderful, but he didn't expect this.

It took a few minutes for Kendall to relax and register that Logan was still sitting between his legs after helping him pull his jeans back up. Kendall reached for him, gladly sliding his arms around Logan when he laid back in his arms. "Damn, Logie," He whispered, brushing his lips to his forehead.

"Good?"

"Fuck no. You're amazing and perfect and wonderful."

The blush on Logan's face was back and Kendall peppered little kisses along his cheeks and nose. Despite enjoying Logan's lesson, this was Kendall's favourite part of the night. The feeling of his love safe and warm and well in his arms was beyond anything he could describe and for the first time since James' news earlier Kendall felt relatively all right. Logan was curled up to his side, his face rosy and peaceful, and he was hopeful that they could work through whatever it was he went through.

"Hey, Logie?" He asked after they’d been silent for a good while.

"Yes?"

"What do you want to do after college?"

"How do you mean?"

"I mean in life. Obviously you'll be a doctor and be brilliant, but how do you plan to fill in the rest of your future?"

"Um. I haven't thought about it a whole lot, since the band was doing so well and I didn't know how long that would last," Logan admitted.

"And if you think about it now?"

"I hope I get to specialise in paediatrics, so I'll have somewhat regular hours."

"I can see you do that," Kendall answered. Logan was amazing with children, always making sure they paid attention to their littles fans.

"Yeah?"

Kendall nodded, brushing his lips to the top of Logan's head. "What else?"

"I like Los Angeles, but eventually I want to live somewhere with more trees."

Kendall smiled. That sounded good. "Do you want to travel?"

"Sure, at some point." Logan looked up at him curiously. "What's with the third degree?"

"Because I want to know."

"Yeah, but why?"

"I want to plan our future together."

Logan pulled his lip between his teeth, rendered speechless once again and staring up at him. "That can't be a surprise to you," Kendall laughed, freeing Logan's bottom lip with his thumb to kiss him.

"What do you want to do?" Logan asked when they pulled away.

"Ideally, succeed in hockey and play professionally for a few glorious years, then settle down and find a way to get a couple of kids and hopefully coach the peewee hockey team for the rest of my life."

"You want children?"

"Not anytime soon," Kendall answered, "I want to see the world and work on my career. But someday, definitely."

Logan smiled and kissed him again. "I do too."

"That's good," Kendall told him, rubbing their noses together.

"You really want to keep me around until then?"

"Logan, I'm in this for the rest of my life."

Kendall met Logan's lips halfway, curling his arms tightly around his waist when they kissed. It wasn't quite an 'I love you', but expressing this intention came close and Logan's reaction meant the world to him; Logan planned to stay with him too.

For the longest time they made out on their blanket under the stars, staying close and touching softly. Kendall wanted it all, those soft lips on his, Logan's hands on his skin, the way he kept trying to get closer and burrow into his body. Kendall felt complete when Logan was in his arms, peaceful and calm and insanely happy.

"We haven't done a whole lot of stargazing," Kendall murmured to Logan's lips when he finally managed to distance himself.

"I don't care. I just want you."

"You like me as much as stargazing? I think that's the greatest compliment I've ever received."

"I just meant we've done a lot of other fun stuff tonight."

Kendall grinned, thinking over their evening together. "That's true. I've been dying to go down on you."

"Really?"

"Fuck, yes. If it hadn't been for James that first night we would've had sex already."

If Kendall had taken a second longer to think he never would have spoken those words, no matter how true they were, and he watched in horror how Logan's eyes widened and his face grew ghostly white. He broke out of Kendall's hug and sat up, his face pressed into his hands.

Kendall's chest tightened painfully and all the anxiety he felt before their date returned with full force, because Kendall knew, he just knew, that this had everything to do with his conversation with James this morning.

Carefully, he moved closer and wrapped his arms around Logan, bringing him close again. Kendall's heart was beating in his throat; the last thing he wanted was to scare Logan further away. "I don't mind waiting," Kendall murmured, his lips brushing along Logan's temple as he spoke. "If you're worried about moving too fast."

Logan didn't answer. He was completely still and kept his head down, his fingers white where they dug into his legs. Kendall had never seen him so lost before and the pain of not knowing why or how to help him sliced through his heart. It took every ounce of self-control to suppress his own pain and concern; Logan needed him to be calm and collected and strong.

"If it's anything else," He said quietly, "Please, know that you can talk to me, but you don't have to until you're ready."

Kendall loathed making Logan that promise. He wished that Logan trusted him, for Logan to feel safe and secure enough to talk to him. Kendall wanted to share everything with Logan, every thought and every feeling and every dream, so they could go through life together. And more than anything, Kendall wished Logan felt the same way.

But Kendall also knew Logan. How much space he needed to think, how long it could take until he made a decision. Begrudgingly Kendall admitted that his mother was right about his tendency to be nosy and overly protective. His intentions might be good, but crowding Logan was counterproductive.

He needed to let it go until Logan was ready to let him in.

His heart sank and Kendall closed his eyes to keep his tears at bay, because that thought went against everything Kendall believed in. All he wanted was to help Logan, to see his love smile like earlier tonight, to be happily in love.

Slowly but steadily, Logan relaxed and curled close to him, hiding his face in the crook of Kendall's neck. Logan's hug made Kendall feel slightly better and he moved his hand up into his hair to keep him close. "I'm sorry," Logan whispered.

"No, don't be," Kendall answered softly. He pressed his nose to Logan's hair, the familiar smell helped him think. "You don't owe me an apology. You don't owe me anything."

Kendall stared out over the cliff as he tried to make sense of the day. He was drained by everything he learned and completely exhausted. "Will you teach me about stars some more?" Kendall asked Logan quietly, needing the distraction.

"If you want me to," Logan answered, his voice as shaky as Kendall felt.

Kendall nodded. "Can you do so from here? I'm not ready to let go of you yet."

Logan pulled away far enough to look up at him and Kendall almost broke when he saw how pale Logan still was. Instead of telling Logan how much it hurt him to see him in pain, Kendall cupped his cheek and kissed him. The brief contact helped, all he felt was Logan, but when he pulled away it was Kendall's turn to avoid meeting his eyes. He was sure that even Logan would recognise how sad he was.

Kendall laid back and pulled Logan to his side. "Tell me about Mercury," He requested, making sure to keep his voice even.

It took him a few moments but Logan eventually found the words and he continued where he left off, though there was nothing left of his enthusiasm. And much like earlier that night, Kendall failed to concentrate on Logan’s lecture. The information he gathered today wasn’t difficult to piece together. James dodged his questions when Kendall compared Lucy’s behaviour to Logan’s. To say that Beau mistreated her was an understatement and Kendall could only logically deduce that Logan went through something similar. That idea was further supported when Logan freaked out at the idea of having sex with him.

The concern he felt when he thought of Logan in a casual relationship was entirely justified.

Over time Logan started talking softer, with bigger intervals and when Kendall looked at him he smiled when he caught him yawning. "Let's go home," Kendall suggested.

They packed up their stuff and Logan leaned heavily into Kendall's body as they walked down the hill. "Thank you for tonight," Logan told him.

"We can go stargazing more often if you want to. I doubt you got to tell me all you know."

"Not all, but I came pretty close."

Kendall smiled and brushed his lips to Logan's temple. "We can probably find other subjects you can teach me."

"Only if we go skating again too."

"You have a deal."

They reached the car fairly quickly and after placing the bag and telescope in the trunk they went on their way back home. Logan turned the heater up and within a few minutes he fell asleep. Kendall was glad that Logan recovered enough to fall asleep so easily.

He wished he felt that light, as his heart was heavy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to take another opportunity to thank each and everyone of you who read this, left kudos and comments, it truly means the world to me. You are all such wonderful people and I hope everyone is safe during the pandemic.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas!

Gentle fingers combed through his hair and Logan startled awake. Kendall's hand moved down to his side and he looked up to meet his eyes. Logan didn't remember falling asleep. He also didn't remember cuddling up to Kendall in the living room surrounded by the other residents of 2J. Logan had long since given up on paying attention to the movie, but he was generally very careful about showing affection around Katie and Mrs. Knight.

Logan must have been even more exhausted than he realised.

Kendall smiled and held his eyes for a moment before subtly nudging his head towards their bedroom. Logan nodded and struggled to get off the couch. His friends weren't faring much better; Carlos' head had fallen back and he was snoring with his mouth wide open while James' head was lolling up and down in continuous effort to fight the sleep. This was one of those days they'd all questioned why they wanted to be a boyband in the first place.

Kendall quietly said goodnight to his mother and sister and Logan waved half-heartedly, unable to muster the energy for anything more. He went ahead to their room and sat on Kendall's bed. Logan hadn't slept a single night in his own bed since they started dating and conveniently, it was also closest to the door. His whole body ached. Logan's arms and legs were permanently strained after all the dance rehearsal. They had done so much vocal exercises that his throat was dry even after a gallon of water. On top of his physical ailments, Logan hadn't been able to spend any time on his extracurriculars and his biology class had taken a serious hit.

Logan seriously doubted the Tween Choice Awards were worth all he was giving up.

Time alone with Kendall being by far the worst sacrifice.

For a few minutes Logan sat on the bed unmoving, listening to Kendall quietly moving around the room. He only looked up when long fingers curled around his hands to pull him up. Logan pressed his cheek to Kendall's pyjama covered chest, not even trying to fight the exhaustion.

"Two more days," Kendall whispered in his ear after indulging him in this hug for a while. His lips brushed his skin and Logan smiled in spite of everything else. That felt nice.

"Two more days," He repeated. His voice sounded strained due to his hoarse throat. It was beyond him why Gustavo thought it was a good idea to work them to the bone the last day before such a big performance.

Mercifully, Gustavo granted them a few hours of down time in the morning before the TCAs. Logan intended to spend it sleeping in, preferably with Kendall beside him. From previous experience with performing at the TCAs Logan knew the twenty four hours that followed were pure hell. Seemingly endless grooming sessions, the waiting around backstage until their performance began, putting up the show, going through more grooming, the formal afterparty for the labels benefit and finally, the informal afterparty.

That last one was all James. Logan figured that by tomorrow night he'd either strangle his friend for putting him through an introvert's nightmare or collapse as soon as he walked through the door.

And if James didn't use the opportunity to get together with Lucy after everything he put them through Logan might actually strangle him. 

Then Friday morning the guys were expected back at Rocque Records for evaluation and a PR meeting. Even after interrogating Kelly extensively, Logan still didn't get a good answer as to why they had to have those appointments the day after the TCAs.

Thankfully, Saturday marked the first day of their much deserved, weeklong, _vacation_.

"I can't wait to be away from the studio," Logan sighed. He pulled away just enough to meet Kendall's eyes. "I'm sorry, it's so ungrateful, but I-"

"You don't sound ungrateful," Kendall told him, sliding a hand up to cup his cheek. "Just... done."

Logan stared in the soft green eyes he'd grown so attached to before nodding slightly.

After vocalising his intention to go to college, everything to do with being in BTR became a struggle. Logan made sure never to show it around Carlos or James or Gustavo or Kelly, because every single one of them deserved his full commitment to the band, but he was counting down the days and ticking off events, praying for tour to come sooner rather than later. However, the days dragged on agonisingly slowly and Logan had more and more difficulty bringing up the motivation to do well.

Kendall saw right through him and didn't allow him to bottle this up. Normally Logan would be reluctant to talk about such selfish thoughts, but this time he was grateful. Even though he knew Kendall's motivation was selfish too: he wanted to be sure Logan wasn't hiding anything else from him.

Logan curled his arms around Kendall's neck. "Done," He repeated quietly.

"I'm tired of it too," Kendall confessed.

"Really?"

"Yeah," He sighed. His eyes raked over Logan's face while he collected his thoughts. "Four years in there is no more excitement in performing."

"You hide it well," Logan commented, playing with the hair in Kendall's neck.

A smile graced Kendall's face and for the first time in a week Logan saw a hint of his usual vivacity. "I get through rehearsal by thinking of all the time I get to spend with you next week."

Logan's cheeks flushed and he perched up on the tips of his toes to kiss Kendall. For two weeks stealing private moments to be close to Kendall were almost impossible. After spending twelve hours a day in the studio, neither of them was particularly interested in making out, let alone anything beyond that. Logan missed it nonetheless.

The kiss was deep and soft.

And _short._

Logan had a hard time hiding his disappointment when Kendall straightened up and moved his lips to his forehead. This was another painful reminder that Logan may have irreparably broken the trust between them. Two weeks didn't just mark the time since they started extensive training for the TCAs. It was also the amount of time passed since their last date.

That night was possibly the best of Logan's life -perhaps apart from their first date. Logan loved stargazing and the fact that Kendall had suggested it and taken him to such an amazing place meant the world to him. He had butterflies in his stomach the day leading up to it and everything had been perfect; their little picnic, Kendall's hands on his body at every opportunity, hearing about his plans for the future and how he'd planned for the two of them to be together forever. Logan could still hardly believe his luck to be dating a guy like Kendall. The date came straight from Logan's sweetest dream.

Up until the moment he completely ruined it.  
  
Since they started dating Logan had a million opportunities to tell Kendall about Julian. Instead, Logan had kept on putting it off until it blew up in his face. Kendall knew something was up, he knew Logan was hiding from him, keeping secrets. And even though Kendall had accepted that so graciously, so considerately, and offered Logan all the time he needed to gather his thoughts, Logan knew that was the worst possible thing to agree to.

Kendall's offer was a trap. Not one Kendall set for Logan, but a trap Logan set for himself. He knew himself well enough to know he'd use Kendall's generosity to never talk about Julian again. Logan would keep postponing and procrastinating until the distance he caused between them was too big to bridge.

And Logan would lose Kendall.

The signs were already there. Over the last two weeks Kendall had grown quiet and distant. When someone asked him about it, which happened almost daily since this was such unusual behaviour for him, Kendall would shake it off and return to his normal, confident and charming self. That would last a few hours before he started brooding again. Kendall watched Logan a lot, his eyes followed him around rooms and they trained on him as soon as Logan came back to him, as if he had been staring at the door Logan left through until he returned.

Logan had worked up the nerve to ask him about his pensiveness twice. The first time was a couple days after they went stargazing, when Logan had first noticed something changed, but Kendall had assured him he had nothing to worry about and spend the rest of the night softly scratching his head until Logan fell asleep with his head on his shoulder. The second time Logan asked, Kendall had just messed up the choreo for the third time and snapped at Carlos for getting in his way. Logan took him apart on their break and Kendall had apologised before he could even get the question out, hugging Logan close and murmuring about how exhausting preparing for the TCAs was.

Since Kendall was so adamant to be near him and still touched Logan a lot, it took him a while to notice that Kendall stopped kissing him. He always returned Logan's kisses, never once avoiding them, but Kendall stopped initiating.

It terrified Logan to his very core.

Logan looked up when Kendall took the hem of his shirt and tugged it over his head. He had pyjamas ready and Logan moved with him automatically while trying to ban the anxious thoughts from his mind. "This isn't mine," Logan murmured dazedly when Kendall helped him get in the pants. The fabric felt soft and big and Logan was pretty sure he didn't own midnight blue pyjamas with matching plaid sweats.

"These are mine," Kendall confirmed quietly. He laid back on the bed and pulled Logan in next to him, firm arms curling around his waist to keep him close.

Logan briefly rubbed his cheek to Kendall's chest before pressing his ear over his heart. "Why?" He asked after swallowing the lump in his throat.

"I want to know what it feels like to see you in my stuff," Kendall murmured, sliding his arms around Logan's waist. "I miss spending time with you and this eases the jealousy I feel."

Logan closed his eyes in order to fight the tears and to hide his grief. "They're comfortable," He managed to say without his voice breaking. Logan dearly wished he could enjoy these moments like a regular person. He wanted to reply with sweet, meaningful words of his own, or climb over Kendall and kiss him senseless.

Instead Logan wondered how long he'd still be privileged enough to hear Kendall say those lovely things.

"Do you want to go out with me on Sunday?"

"Yes." _Yes, so very much._

"We can go back to the waterfall?" Kendall proposed. "It's supposed to be a warm day, we can go early and spend the entire day there."

Logan would have agreed to spend an entire day at a garbage belt if he could do so with Kendall. "That sounds amazing."

"Two more days," Kendall sighed. "I think I'll spend the entire Saturday sleeping."

"Sounds like a plan."

"You wanna stay with me?" Logan's heart fluttered when he heard the smile in Kendall's voice.

"Hanging out with you in bed is what I'd like to do on most days," He admitted.

Logan lifted his head when Kendall squeezed him closely and saw some of the light had returned to his eyes. Kendall smiled and slowly moved a hand along his body until it reached his cheek. "I can't wait," Kendall told him, running his thumb below Logan's eye.

He knew that when it came down to it they both had too much energy to spend an entire day in bed, but even a long morning would put Logan on cloud nine. Logan intended to spend most of their vacation with Kendall anyway, but to put these very concrete plans in place helped him believe he may still be able to safe their relationship. He closed his eyes and leaned into Kendall's hand, trying to focus on just this moment. Logan wanted to see Kendall smile some more, gather a few more happy memories of them together before Logan screwed up even further.

For now keeping him talking felt like the best course of action. "Is everything ready for the move?"

Kendall hummed. "Mom gets the key on Tomorrow, but most of the furniture won't be delivered until Tuesday. Katie is really excited about finally having clean places to sit."

"Carlos does leave a lot of crumbs and inexplicable stickiness."

"We're so not getting the security deposit back for this place."

Logan shrugged. He hadn't checked his bank account in a while, but he was positive a few hundred dollars more or less weren't going to make much of a difference. "Still, the apartment looks better than when we moved in."

The grin on Kendall's face was the best thing Logan had seen all day. "Installing the Ultimate teen hang-out here may have been my best plan ever."

"We did so much illegal stuff that day, I lost count."

Kendall shrugged, still completely unconcerned. "I knew Gustavo would make it go away."

Logan shook his head at his nonchalance, but kept himself from the lecture. "When are they moving out?"

"Mom invited a bunch of kids from the Palm Woods to camp out there tomorrow night during the party. I assume to keep Katie out of trouble, but she's annoyed being treated like a ten year old." Kendall was very amused by the situation and Logan imagined he was glad his baby sister wouldn't be at adult parties just yet. "The plan is to move them out permanently on Wednesday, so I won't be around a lot of while I help them set up."

Logan shook his head. "I'm helping out too."

"You don't have to. We so rarely get vacations, you should use the time off to relax."

"I want to. Your mother has been so kind to me, it's the least I can do. I wouldn't know how to fill all that free time anyway."

Kendall smiled at him and ran his fingers down to Logan's jaw. "Alright."

Logan hesitated a second before he spoke. "Are you okay? With the move?"

"I'm fine, Logie," He answered. "Mom and Katie love us, but they deserve a place of their own. I'll still see them all the time. And it will be fun to live without a parent present."

"I expect chaos for at least three weeks."

"James called dibs on the master bedroom the other day."

"Alright."

"You don't want it?"

Logan shrugged. "I like our room. And when he has his own bathroom ours will finally stop smelling like 'cuda."

"You want to keep sharing with me?"

"Yes," He answered, slightly confused until he realised Kendall might not want to share a room with him anymore. "Unless you want me out, then I guess I'll take Katie's-"

"No," Kendall cut him off. "I want you to stay."

They stared at each other. Normally this would be a joyful moment, with one or both of them going in for a kiss that would lead to more. But this time Logan's heart was hammering as he tried to get over the scare.

If Logan hadn't been watching so closely he would have missed the sadness in Kendall's eyes before he managed to smile. "When mom moves out when can push our beds together."

"Pretty sure your mom knows we're sleeping together even with our beds apart." Kendall averted his eyes and Logan mentally kicked himself for his choice of words. "I mean-"

Kendall cut him off. "I know."

"I'm sorry," Logan whispered. He wasn't sure what he was apologising for, but he knew how meaningless it was after everything he put Kendall through.

"Don't be. It's okay. I told you to only talk when you're ready."

His voice sounded far away and stand-offish and Logan's chest constricted painfully. Kendall was never distant, not with anyone, and definitely not with him. Logan _hated_ it that this was what he'd forced Kendall into.

If he was even a slightly bit braver, if he could just muster the tiniest amount of courage, he might be able to tell Kendall and salvage their relationship. Logan didn't want to lose Kendall, the thought alone was enough to throw him into a full blown panic attack. The prospect of confessing the most humiliating thing that ever happened to him terrified him, but it was nothing compared to the cold that came over him when he imagined not being with Kendall anymore. Losing him wasn't an option.

However, the longer Logan thought about it, the more he feared that telling Kendall might lead to the same conclusion. Logan was such a huge loser. For falling for Julian's tactics, for being humiliated like he was, for letting it affect him still. He wasn't strong, or fierce, or brave. Logan was pathetic and broken and ill-equipped for a normal, happy relationship and Kendall should be running from him at full speed.

Logan looked down and squeezed his eyes shut in effort to ban those thoughts and moved his head to place his ear over Kendall's heart. This was all he wanted. It didn't feel like a whole lot to ask for. Why was his own stupid mistake making it so hard to hold on to?

Kendall reached down and covered them with the duvet before sliding his arms back around Logan's body. "I'm worried about you," He whispered, his lips brushed along Logan's forehead as he talked. "I don't understand what's going on and it's throwing me off, but you shouldn't worry about that. I just need to get used to the fact I can't control everything in my life. And maybe a few days to catch up on sleep."

Logan dug his nails in his palms hard enough to draw blood, but it served its purpose and kept him from bursting into tears. Kendall didn't deserve this. "I'm sorry," Logan repeated, uncapable of speaking the words he actually needed to.

"It's okay," Kendall soothed. "We're okay."

It wasn't okay. Nothing about this was okay. But maybe Logan knew a way to pretend it was. At least for a little while. "Kendall?"

"Hm?"

"Kiss me?"

Nothing happened for a few seconds and Logan feared he'd crossed the new boundary he didn't know the rules of yet, but then Kendall pulled him up and the next moment his lips found Logan's. Blissful thoughtlessness settled in quickly and he curled his arms around Kendall's neck to keep him close. But this time Kendall made no move pull away and Logan was forever thankful for whatever put a stop to his inhibitions. Logan drowned himself in everything Kendall, his warmth and his hands and the softness in his kiss.

Neither of them pulled away until they were too tired to continue and when Logan finally fell asleep, he felt more at peace than he had in days.

* * *

"Hey."

Logan looked up when James walked into his dressing room. He was the first to get out of make-up and he just settled on the couch with the book to wait until the other guys finished. "Hey. You ready?"

"Sure. It would be weird if I wasn't after all that time in the studio. I love you, but I can't stand to look at your faces after today."

Logan decided to sidestep the insult. "I meant for tonight, actually. Ready to woo Lucy?"

"Oh! Yeah, I think so."

"Good."

"I mean, we hung out every day since she got here and she isn't tired of me yet, so I guess I have a chance."

"So what's the plan? Roses? Getting down on one knee? Singing her a song? Please, tell you won't use the frisbee."

"No. I have something classy planned. And before you ask; no, I'm not telling you."

"Why not? I keep all your secrets!"

James rolled his eyes. "Yeah, for all of three seconds. You pass everything on to Kendall. Even before you were dating you gossiped like old ladies."

"Not everything," Logan muttered indignantly, but as he said it he realised that James was completely right.

"Now that we're talking about talking to Kendall," James said, suddenly stern. Weren't supposed to tell Kendall about Julian? Like, last year?"

Logan shrunk in on himself. "I know."

"Dude," James groaned. "What the hell?"

"I know," He repeated. "I know how stupid it is. I'm so sorry, I never meant to put you in the middle of this."

James looked at him like he'd sprouted a second head. "I don't care I'm in the middle of this! I'm fucking glad I was there when that fucker wanted to assault you."

He flinched at James' choice of words. Logan never let himself think of it that way.

"Don't feel bad for putting me in the middle, just feel bad for not including Kendall."

"I do," Logan whispered.

"What the hell happened anyway? One day you're all lovey dovey and the next Kendall follows you around like a watchdog."

Logan closed his eyes and contemplated brushing James off with some story, but Logan didn't have the energy to lie anymore. "I freaked when he brought up having sex."

"God, Logan."

"I messed up so bad," He whispered. Logan pulled up his legs and rested his chin on his knees.

James caught himself just before he ran a hand through his perfectly styled hair and instead set it on the back of his neck. "You should have told him when you started dating, but that would have been another perfect opening."

Logan knew that James was only trying to help with his suggestions, but he knew he'd never would've been capable of talking to Kendall in that moment. He'd barely avoided the panic attack as it was.

"You can't go on like this."

"I know."

"Then fucking do something about it!" James snapped. "Do you remember what we talked about when I was covering up the lovely little hickeys he left all over you? Kendall is in love-"

"No, he-"

"Don't," James warned him. "Don't deny it. I know you're completely dense when it comes to feelings, but even you can't be this oblivious. Kendall is _head over heels_ in love with you and you're tearing out his heart keeping this from him."

"I will tell him, I've already decided that, but-"

"No more buts!"

"James! Will you just listen to me?"

Stubbornly he crossed his arms and leaned back against the wall.

"The last thing I want to do is keep this from Kendall. I want to finally get it over with and leave it behind us. I want to finally have a normal relationship. You think I like seeing him like this? I want him to be happy." _I want him to be happy with me._

Logan angrily brushed the tears away. "Every time I try to tell him my heart starts racing and my throat closes up. I keep trying but I can't get the words out."

James scoffed. "Sure."

He was only momentarily taken aback. "What?"

"You haven't had a panic attack in years! It's just a convenient excuse for you not to talk about it."

"You think I'm lying?" Logan asked in utter disbelieve. "Did you even listen to me? Why the hell would I make this up?!"

"I don't know! I don't understand a single thing of what's going on here! It is not this difficult to talk to your boyfriend about something that happened months ago."

"You have no idea what it was like!" Logan yelled at him as he got up and started pacing. "You have never been through something so painfully humiliating in your life! I let it happen! I knew what was going on and still I sought him out again and again, hoping for those nights I'd get a tiny bit of affection in return."

Logan took a moment to regain his breath and wipe the tears of his face. "I am terrified to talk to Kendall, because for the first time someone treats me feel like a human being after anything sexual. Kendall is so good to me, so much more than I deserve. I don't want to believe Kendall is in love with me, I am not worthy of that. And once I tell him..." Logan paused when his lip started trembling. "And once I tell him he won't ever see me the same way and I'll lose him. I'll be the stupid whore who believed the player's empty promises."

"You're not a whore," James told him firmly. "And Kendall isn't going to think so either."

"I'll think it," Logan whispered. "He deserves better. And as long as I keep this to myself I can at least pretend to be normal."

"So that's the plan? Keep on hiding this from Kendall?" James shook his head. "It doesn't matter what you think he deserves. Kendall wants you."

Logan shook his head.

"You think he'll just let you go? We both know him better than that. This will blow up in both your faces if you let it go on any longer. You need to make a decision; tell Kendall and salvage your relationship or don't tell him and break up with him."

"What?" He asked breathlessly.

"You can't string him along, Logan!" James sighed. "He already knows you're hiding something, not telling him-"

"Wow. No. Hold on," Logan interrupted. "How does he know that?"

"How does he know what?"

"How does Kendall know I'm keeping secrets from him?"

"Because you freaked out about having sex."

"No, no. For all Kendall knows I could just be a prude about sex."

James didn't answer him and Logan's mind was racing through his memories of that night. Kendall's response to his freak out had been so controlled, so poised, as if he'd seen it coming. "He already knew I was hiding something," Logan whispered. "What did you tell him?"

"Nothing, alright?" James answered irritated. "Kendall came to talk to me about me skipping on group outings and at some point you came up."

" _How_?!"

"None of your business. Kendall connected a couple dots and yelled at me for a bit when I wouldn't tell him about Julian, but he knows nothing specific."

Logan buried his hands in his hair. "What _does_ he know?"

"That your behaviour in your relationship is due to some trauma in the past. You know, the clinginess, shielding your emotions, not talking about important stuff."

His heart sank into his stomach when the pieces in his head clicked. Kendall's actions made sense now; how he was always watching Logan, his desire to keep him close. Kendall's sudden reluctance to initiate intimacy wasn't because he was disappointed in Logan for keeping secrets, he was trying to give him space. "How do you even know all of that?" Logan asked.

James sighed. "Kendall asked about my progress with Lucy and I told him about some of the things she did and said that I thought were strange."

He paused and it dawned on Logan what he was trying to say. "Kendall recognised my behaviour in Lucy's?"

Logan didn't need to see James nod. This was much more messed up then Logan could have imagined. Kendall was the furthest thing from stupid, of course he pieced the whole thing together the moment James started talking, all James had to do was confirm that Logan was keeping secrets.

"Look, I didn't mean for him to find out about Julian, but he obviously already suspected something was up! And we had a deal Logan, you promised me you'd tell him!"

"I never meant to let it come to this!"

"I have been really fucking patient with you. I even offered to be there when you told him. Don't you see how messed up this is?! How can you do this when you know you're breaking his heart?"

James' accusation had Logan sick to his stomach and his lungs started filling with ice. "Why do you care so much?"

James stared at him. "I owe everything to Kendall. I know you and Carlos also sacrificed a whole lot to come to LA, but it never would have happened without him. The least I can do after he made my dreams come true is make sure he doesn't get his heart broken."

His breath sped up while James talked and Logan had a hard time getting enough oxygen. James was right to protect Kendall from him. Just six weeks into their relationship Logan already managed to fuck it up beyond repair.

James' next words were possibly even more devastating. "You're my best friend, but I'm not sure if I can forgive you if you hurt him."

"I didn't mean to." Logan had to force the words out of his mouth.

"Then fucking talk to him!" James exploded. In one long stride he was in front of Logan. James was looming over him dangerously and he balled his hands to keep them from shaking. "You know what he said to me that day? 'Logan doesn't talk to me, I have to drag everything out of him.' How do you think that made me feel, huh?"

"I'm sorry. James, I-" Logan squeezed his eyes shut to try to get rid of the black spots dancing over James' face. This couldn't be happening now, they had to perform in an hour.

"You claim that Kendall has been the best thing that ever happened to you, so what the hell has gotten into you to treat him like this? I've known you practically my whole life and I know your brain is wired differently, but _god_ , you're practically torturing him!"

James kept yelling at him, his face so close that Logan felt his spit land on his cheek. Logan stopped registering what he said as he fought the panic attack. The cold sweat on his back and his shaky knees were nothing compared to the vertigo. The black and red spots made him nauseous and the ice had consumed most of his lungs, making breathing almost impossible.

"- can't fucking believe you would throw away something you claim is so important to you. What do you think happens when you break up? You live together, you work together, Kendall has been you best friend for sixteen years-"

There was no stopping the panic attack this time, Logan realised as piercing ringing filled his ears. He fought to breathe and shortly after his body was too heavy and Logan sank through his legs. Logan felt a vague sting in his left wrist, but he was too preoccupied trying to remain conscious to deal with pain. He was petrified and alone and more voices popped up in his head, all of them screaming at him that he would lose Kendall, how badly he screwed up, that he didn't deserve another chance and Logan should just leave these people in peace, to no longer burden them with his idiocy.

Far, far away he registered someone grabbing him, talking to him and then a loud bang and more voices. Logan clawed at anything he could reach, trying to find something, anything to pull him out of the freezing fog so he could _breathe_.

Different, gentler hands folded around his and helped him sit up. Logan was engulfed in warmth and the ice in his lungs began to melt, finally allowing air in. The new person talked to him calmly and Logan focused on the deep, soothing sound. "-breathe, Logie. It's okay. I've got you."

_ Kendall _

Slowly he regained control over his air flow and the ringing in his ears disappeared. Logan registered other people speaking, James and Carlos in frantic, frustrated tones. Kendall was sitting on the floor next to him, holding him close with firm arms around his body. Logan felt his chest rise and fall with each breath he took and he focused on matching it.

"I didn't know he had a panic attack until he fell. Logan hasn't had one in ages," James said worriedly.

"Why did he have one now?" Carlos asked him.

Logan opened his eyes in time to see James hesitate. "We were fighting."

"Dude, we need to be on stage-"

Kendall cut Carlos off. "What did you fight about?"

Stoic stubbornness came over James' face. "You."

Logan felt Kendall tense up. The anger came off him in waves. "I don't need you to fight on my behalf."

"Two weeks ago all you wanted was to get him talking."

"And you think this is what I wanted you to do?" Kendall snapped as he tightened his hold on Logan. "He's barely breathing, James!"

"This is between Logan and me-"

"No. Not anymore. Stay the fuck out of my relationship."

James stared at Kendall with a mixture of fury and frustration. "Fine."

"I'll let you know when I need your help."

"No, don't bother. I'm out. Don't come crying to me when this blows up in your face." He stormed out of the room, slamming the door so hard Carlos flinched.

Kendall sighed and let go of Logan to get up, then took his hands to pull him up on the couch before turning to Carlos. "Don't worry about it," Kendall told him. "I'll talk to him later. Can you get Logan a bottle of water?"

Carlos looked completely lost, but he seemed happy to be of help and left the room too.

For a few seconds Kendall stood in the middle of the room and stared at the wall, his hands curling into fists and flexing again, as if he couldn't decide how to handle this. Logan held his breath when Kendall turned to him, but his eyes were soft and the only emotion on his face was concern. "Are you okay?"

Logan nodded. "I'm sorry."

Kendall smiled sadly and sat next to him on the couch, taking Logan back in his arms. "You didn't decide to have a panic attack."

As the last remnants of his panic attack ebbed away Logan was left with only shame and guilt. James meant to make his friends happy and both him and Kendall just told him his help wasn't appreciated. This was all Logan's fault, he put both James and Kendall in impossible positions and poor Carlos just got caught up in it too. The grave Logan was digging for himself just got even deeper.

Logan crawled into Kendall's lap and curled his arms tight around his neck, trying and failing to keep his tears at bay this time around. "I'm sorry," He repeated. "This was all my fault. And now J-James is mad at you too and we have to be on stage in an hour-"

"Hey, stop," Kendall said softly. "Everyone will understand if you can't perform today. You're still barely breathing properly-"

"I can," Logan insisted. He didn't want to let his friends down any more than he already had today. "I want to."

Kendall started running his fingers along his spine and didn't answer right away. "I'm asking again in thirty minutes," He announced. "Promise you'll be honest? It's not a good idea to get on a stage when you don't feel well."

Logan nodded.

"James will come around too, Logie," Kendall told him. "He's always stressed before a show, add his nerves due to the whole Lucy thing and he was bound to snap."

He wished Kendall was right, but after everything James yelled at him Logan doubted it.

"You don't have to tell me what you're fighting about," Kendall murmured. "But whatever it is, nothing is worth putting yourself through so much stress you start having panic attacks over it."

Logan considered losing Kendall a serious enough problem to have panic attacks over. "What if it is?"

Kendall took his face in his hands to make Logan meet his eyes. He could hardly take the concerned pity in Kendall's usually bright, laughing eyes. "Then we'll find a way to work through it," He said quietly, gently rubbing the tears off his cheeks.

How Logan got to be lucky enough to land a guy like Kendall was beyond him, but he must also have some wires lose in his head to want to be with Logan. Stupidly confident, valiant, _kind_ Kendall who had seemingly endless patience for all Logan's flaws and insecurities. Kendall, who knew him so thoroughly and was infinitely considerate and kept telling Logan he was his favourite person in the world.

Logan didn't deserve any of it.

That realisation hit him hard. This was the feeling Logan had been pushing away, stuffing it in the deepest parts of his brain in order to ignore it. Everything boiled down to that simple sentence.

Logan didn't deserve Kendall.

He never had, not even before the disaster with Julian. Logan was the small, studious tag-along, the friend they kept around for those occasion they needed his brain. He wasn't much good for much else; he was an average hockey player, an average singer, a bad dancer. Logan wasn't funny or good looking or popular; he barely managed regular human interactions.

Kendall deserved better, he deserved someone as special and amazing as he was.

Logan was far from amazing and he was special only in the sense that he was a _special kind of screwed up_.

"Logan?"

His eyes needed a moment to refocus and meet Kendall's. Logan's heart shattered into a million little pieces when he saw the tears in the lovely eyes he fell so hard for. Kendall never cried. "I'm sorry," He breathed, clenching his hands in his shirt. "Kendall, I'm s-so sorry."

Kendall closed his eyes and placed his forehead to Logan's. "How can I help you?"

The shards in his chest sliced up his insides even further. Kendall was much more worried about him than himself, even after Logan kept hurting him in the worst way possible. "I just want you," Logan whispered before he could stop himself.

"Okay," Kendall agreed readily.

"Really?"

"You are my favourite person in the world," He murmured. "You get all of me."

Logan curled his arms around Kendall's neck tight and pressed to his chest as close as he could. Kendall held onto him tightly and buried his face in the crook of Logan's neck. In that moment Logan could almost pretend that everything between them was alright. "Kiss me?" He whispered when he realised what was missing. "Please, Kendall?"

Kendall complied swiftly, easily, and kissed him hard. And much like yesterday, Logan sank into blissful emptiness only Kendall could bring.

* * *

Logan smiled weakly when he handed Carlos beer from the huge stash and shrank back in his corner below the desk. Bitters had agreed to let them use the lobby for their after party -Logan didn't want to know more about how they got him to agree, but he suspected a ridiculous amount of bribe money was involved. Logan's hope for it to be a small affair went out the window when he saw James' guest list. And as the night went on lot of other residents of the Palm Woods showed up for it.

Their act at the TCAs went reasonably well. The guys didn't make any major mistakes and Lucy was phenomenal, so Logan hoped Gustavo was pleased. The whole day James did everything to avoid them, aside from those moments where he had to, like on stage. Carlos didn't know what to do with himself and tried to act normal while Kendall stuck to Logan's side. If Lucy had picked up on the tension, she never showed it and remained professional until she left for her dressing room. Logan hadn't seen her since either.

He was worried that he had ruined yet another thing in James' life. After everything Logan put him through he should at least get the girl tonight.

Carefully he glanced over the desk to check if Kendall was still emerged in conversation with Stephanie and Camille. All through the afterparty at Galen Centre Kendall had followed him around, watching Logan like he might spontaneously combust any second. Logan knew he was worried and he loved having Kendall near him, but he felt terrible that he was missing out on the party by designating himself to watch over him. Soon after they arrived at the Palm Woods Logan solved the situation by excusing himself to the bathroom. Instead of going there, he took a little detour around the lobby and ducked beneath the counter. Logan had been hiding out there for the last twenty minutes.

Partying was far from his favourite pastime and he wanted Kendall to have a good time. Kendall would have more fun without Logan distracting him.

Logan managed to occupy himself with a new sci-fi novel he downloaded on his phone. It worked for a while, he was exhausted enough to let the book distract him, but eventually his mind drifted back to that afternoon.

Logan didn't know how he managed to keep it together still, but somehow he did. Kendall stayed with him in the dressing room up until they had to perform. Even though he very clearly wanted to, Kendall didn't ask him what was going on. While Logan appreciated it in the moment - the last thing he wanted was to have a crucial, potentially relationship ruining conversation before a show - it was extremely out of character for Kendall to be so indifferent.

He knew Kendall was doing it for him but all he achieved was to make Logan feel even guiltier. Kendall shouldn't need to change who he was for anyone, definitely not his boyfriend.

Mentally, Logan tallied yet another reason why Kendall shouldn't be with him.

"Hi, Logan."

It took him a beat to recognise the person talking to him. "Hi, uh, Lucy."

"What are you doing under a desk?"

Logan shrugged. "Kinda met my tax for human interaction for the day."

"Fair enough."

Lucy glanced into the lobby before sinking onto the floor next to him and grabbed his bottle. Logan watched with renewed interest how she downed the other half. "You okay?" He asked.

"Sure."

Logan pulled two more beers from their stash and handed one to her. They sat in silence for a while and Logan's mind drifted back to everything he learned that afternoon. Logan didn't know the full story of what happened between Beau and Lucy, but he probably had enough experience of his own to empathise.

"I'm hiding from Kendall," Logan admitted, staring stubbornly down at his bottle.

"I figured," She sighed.

"Are you hiding from James?"

"Oh, yes. Definitely."

Logan paused for a moment. "You don't have to, he'll back off if you tell him to."

"I don't want him to back off," Lucy sighed.

It was a weight off his shoulders to know that Lucy liked James too and didn't intent on dumping him after tonight. "James will be very happy to hear that."

Lucy remained quiet. She was fidgeting with a mop of mousy coloured hair Logan suddenly recognised as the wig she wore when her parents came to visit. Logan was exhausted and a little tipsy and still preoccupied trying to grasp just how badly he fucked up his relationship, but even at his best Logan wasn't good with girls. Lucy must know that about him too, they had been friends for nearly two years, so he didn't have the slightest idea what Lucy wanted from him.

Logan didn't know what made him do it; the alcohol, the fragile state he was in or his desire to do something right today, but the words spilled from his mouth before he had a chance to stop them. "When James has his mind set to something, he stops at nothing to make it happen," Logan started quietly. "I haven't seen him work on anything as hard as he's trying to win you over. And I'm including Big Time Rush."

"I know," Lucy sighed. "James is amazing and I really, really like him."

"... but?" Logan asked gently.

"But I am not low maintenance, Logan," She elaborated. "James is used to hopping around from girl to girl and having fun, but I don't want something superficial, not after Beau. And I don't want to start dating only to find out he can't deal with it. We talk a lot and I've tried to explain it to him, but I'm not sure if he understands what he's in for."

Logan closed his eyes. "James knows what he is in for."

"Look, it's really sweet you're sticking up for your friend-"

"James understands what you went through, because he helped me get out of a similar situation."

Lucy fell silent and Logan could hear the blood pumping in his ears. His heart was racing again, but he felt more collected than he had in days.

"I am not trying to talk my friend up, even though he deserves it after everything he's done to show you how much he likes you. I know that he can handle anything you throw at him. Frankly, you're not going to find a better guy in the Western Hemisphere."

Logan looked up when Lucy leaned into him and took his hand. "I'm sorry you went through that," She told him quietly.

"I'm sorry you went through it too."

"What happened?"

The words came so easily as he recounted the brief version of his relationship with Julian and James' part in it. Logan kept the part that concerned Kendall and him to himself. The point was to convince Lucy dating James was a good idea, sharing how badly he was handling his own past trauma in his own relationship wouldn't help his case.

"James won't hurt you," Logan concluded. "He understands what you've been through better than most people will and when you're honest with him I know he'll be the sweetest, most persistent guy you've ever been with. You won't make a mistake dating him."

Lucy laughed. "I'm gonna, I think. Thank you for telling me, that helped."

"Good."

"So what was James' plan for tonight?"

"I don't know," Logan answered truthfully. "He refused to tell me."

"Oh, well." Lucy shrugged. She reached into the drawer and pulled out scissors. Logan watched with growing confusion as she cut a few strands from the wig. "I'm gonna ask him out first. James probably has some adorable, public thing planned, but I have to protect the rock chick rep, you know?"

"Alright," Logan laughed.

Lucy took the locks of hair she needed and sat up, popping the top buttons of her dress. "Too much?" She asked him.

Logan didn't give anything for the amount of cleavage she showed and shrugged. "I'm really not the person to ask."

"Gay. Right. Wish me luck!"

Lucy stood up and walked off. Logan hoped to see the moment when James got everything he worked so hard for the last few months and got up too, taking a beat to stretch his legs after having them cramped up for so long. He looked up to find James, only to come face to face with Kendall standing on the other side of the desk.

"Hey."

"Hi," Logan answered guiltily. He hadn't meant to avoid Kendall for so long.

"Have you been here all this time?"

"Yeah. Um, Lucy wanted to ask me about James."

Kendall nodded and Logan was relieved he accepted the explanation for his absence.

"She's on her way to ask him out now."

"You should have led with that!" Kendall chastised. He reached over the desk to grab Logan's wrist and pulled him around it. "I saw him at the cabanas, we might still catch it."

They made their way outside as fast as possible through the crowd. Halfway Logan spotted Carlos and pulled him along. James was standing near the second cabana and they reached him just in time to see Lucy walk up to him, her mouth full of wig hair.

"Oh! Oh!" Carlos yelled excitedly.

Logan slapped his shoulder to shut him up.

Lucy tapped James on his shoulder and he turned swiftly, his expression completely bewildered. "What are you doing? Is that _hair_?"

"I once told you I'd rather eat hair than date you." Lucy paused to spit out the locks of hair. "Having tried that, I need to humbly retract my statement."

The disbelieve on James' face was adorable and Carlos laughed loudly next to him. Logan looked up when Kendall's arm curled securely around his waist and leaned in close to his ear. "That's so cute," He whispered.

Logan smiled in answer and leaned into Kendall, looking back just in time to see Lucy kiss James. For a second James blanked out, but he quickly regained his composure and lifted her off the ground to kiss her back.

Kendall whistled and Carlos was jumping up and down in excitement. Stephanie showed up too, wooing loudly when she saw what the fuss was about. James beamed at them when he and Lucy broke apart and Logan was hopeful that it meant James could forgive him for his mistakes.

"Come with me?" Kendall asked him quietly when James pulled Lucy away through the crowd to get privacy from his friends. Carlos was occupied with Stephanie, the two of them excited for the prospect of double and triple dates.

Logan nodded and took the hand Kendall held out for him.

Kendall guided him back into the lobby and found a semi-secluded corner near the elevators, then leaned in to kiss him. Logan placed a hand on the back of his neck to hold him close, but he didn't need to be afraid of Kendall pulling away. The sounds of the party around them disappeared as soft hands curled around his middle to pull him in tight. For the first time in weeks _Kendall_ kissed _him_ and it felt even better than he remembered.

"I missed you," Logan whispered before he could stop himself, relishing in the feeling of Kendall's lips brushing along his jaw.

"I missed you more," Kendall replied, sliding his hands up his back.

Logan took Kendall's face in his hands and reconnected their lips. His skin burned where Kendall touched him and his butterflies swarmed back into his stomach as Kendall pressed him up against a wall. Kendall tasted like alcohol and the tuna sandwiches the wolfed down in between parties and something that was just Kendall and Logan didn't remember ever being so intoxicated by him.

A soft moan escaped Logan as Kendall's tongue went exploring and he let go of all the tension he'd been holding onto for the past weeks. He nestled closer to his chest, having missed him so much that now he wished he could crawl into him, just to be as close to him as possible.

Kendall dug his fingers in the small of his back and a stifled moan escaped Logan's lips. This was more than Logan dreamed of having again and he curled his arms around Kendall's neck tight, gasping as his hands slipped under the hem of his shirt and moved up his back.

"I'm sorry I've been distant," Kendall murmured to him. He nipped softly on Logan's ear as his fingers ran lightly across his skin.

Logan's heart swelled in his chest, hopeful that Kendall would stop holding back and be himself again. He didn't know how long Logan would still be allowed to be Kendall's boyfriend and he wanted to make the most of the time they had left. "Why were you?" He asked anyway, sliding his hand up in Kendall's hair.

Kendall tightened his grip on him almost uncomfortably and Logan used the closeness to press soft kisses along his neck. "Right now I can't think of a single reason why," He murmured, nuzzling into his skin. "I just know I want you near me."

Their next kiss was hard and desperate and _so hot_ , and finally Logan forgot about everything else. Kendall's hands slid down to his thighs and picked him up with ease, pressing him further into the wall. They rubbed together so perfectly and Logan moaned into Kendall's mouth, his fingers coiling tightly in his locks.

"How are you this hot?" Kendall groaned to his lips. His hands cupped Logan's bum and he rolled their hips together, eagerly swallowing another of Logan's moans.

Kendall pressed wet lips along his jaw and down his neck to graze his teeth along Logan's skin. "Oh, god, I..." He whimpered, clinging to Kendall's shoulders.

"Kendall is fine," He murmured before sucking onto his skin hard. Logan let his head fall back to give him better access, Kendall's lips made his skin tingle and for the second time today he struggled to breathe. Kendall kissed his way back up to his mouth and Logan dove into another kiss, sliding his tongue along Kendall's until he could practically feel the sparks.

"Guys!"

Logan didn't immediately register someone was addressing them and neither did Kendall, who was preoccupied sliding his hand up Logan's shirt.

"Ow! Dude!" Kendall pulled away with a cry in pain and for a moment Logan feared he'd tugged too hard on his hair, but Kendall wasn't talking to him and set him back on the floor to rub his shin.

"There's paparazzi here," Carlos hissed at them. "I don't give a damn you are making out in public, but I thought you wanted to keep your relationship a secret?"

Kendall straightened up. "Right."

"What has gotten into you?"

"I may be drunk."

Logan glanced up at Kendall, he hadn't noticed that. Although the fact that Kendall was making out with him in the lobby should have clued him in.

"Alright then!" Carlos pushed them towards the elevators and hit the button to summon it. "Just go upstairs. The apartment should be empty for a while longer, you can fuck there."

Kendall grinned at Carlos and he placed a hand dangerously low on Logan's back. "Thanks."

"Yeah. Just go." Logan had never seen Carlos come that close to rolling his eyes.

The elevator arrived and Kendall pushed Logan in, sliding his arms back around Logan's waist as he leaned in to reconnect his lips. "You're beautiful," He murmured to Logan's lips.

Logan's cheeks flushed and he wrapped his arms around Kendall's neck. "You really are drunk."

"A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts," Kendall told him and planted his hands firmly on his butt. "And I think it a lot."

Logan kissed him hard. Kendall used the position of his hands to pick him up again. He barely registered it when the doors opened and Kendall carried him back to the apartment. Logan was lost in Kendall's soft lips and his warm skin and the way his breath sped up when Logan's tongue caressed his.

After struggling with the key for a moment, Kendall managed to get them into the apartment. Like Carlos promised, it was dark and empty and Logan started breathing faster in anticipation. They hadn't been intimate in so long and Logan desperately wanted to feel Kendall's skin along his own and spend the rest of the night in his arms.

Kendall put him down once they reached their room, never breaking their kiss. Logan slipped his hands under Kendall's shirt, his fingers following the line of his abs as Logan mouthed at his throat. Kendall groaned and took the hem of Logan's shirt, swiftly tugging it over his head. Logan followed his example and splayed his hands on Kendall's chest, taking a moment to locate his heartbeat below his palm while Kendall trailed his fingers lightly down his back.

Logan arched into Kendall's body and cupped the back of his neck to reconnect their lips. Time slowed down and Logan only knew Kendall; the comfort his closeness provided, the burning in his skin below Kendall's hands, the way Kendall kissed him until he was breathless. Kendall was everything to him.

Kendall popped the button of his jeans and Logan remembered turned on he was. He stepped out of his pants and gasped quietly when Kendall nipped along his neck. "I missed you," He whispered in Logan's ear. "Come to bed with me?"

Logan nodded and made quick work of Kendall's jeans to get there faster. Kendall sat on the bed and pulled Logan on top of him before laying back, sliding his arms around his body. "Kiss me," Kendall requested, rubbing little circles into Logan's sides.

He readily complied, eager to be closer and feel Kendall and stay with him. Kendall rolled their hips together briefly, as if he was testing the waters, but Logan had no more patience for that. He was chasing after the feeling that came over him when he was intimate with Kendall, the warmth and safety and the knowledge that nothing would get between them. Logan desperately wanted to believe Kendall still wanted him, that he was good enough, even if it was only for the rest of the night.

Kendall moaned and firmly curled his hands around his hips to encourage him. It felt so good, so perfect, but Logan wanted more. He wanted to feel him tremble and see him finish and snuggle in the post orgasm glow with the man of his dreams until he forgot about all the terrible things that happened.

Logan hesitated only a second before sliding his hand into his boxers to take hold of him. He was rarely this forward, but his desire for Kendall and the influence were urging him on. Kendall groaned into his mouth and kissed him harder, moving his own hand further down. Logan was so hard and Kendall's hand was magical and it was all so good he could barely hold himself up.

Logan was so lost in the feeling that he didn't notice Kendall's other hand until a finger travelled down between his cheeks. The room grew cold and Logan abruptly sobered as he realised he didn't want this.

However, the last thing Logan wanted was to piss Kendall off after everything they'd been through that day. He took Kendall's wrist and pulled his hand back up until it was back around his waist while kissing his way up along his jaw to his lips in an effort to distract him. Kendall kept stroking him and didn't seem bothered, so Logan felt alright resuming movement of his hand.

Kendall rolled onto his side and wrapped Logan tightly in his arms. Their kiss got a lot more heated as his hand sped up and Logan was getting close again, the burn in the pit of his stomach reaching new heights as Kendall rubbed his thumb over the head.

He was completely focused on getting Kendall off soon too, eager to see his partner come undone, so this time Logan didn't notice Kendall's stray hand until his fingers rubbed his taint. Logan stilled; he was laying on his free arm and had the other on Kendall. "Kendall, I don't-"

Logan was cut off with another kiss. Kendall was unaware of the panic that rapidly filled his body and that he stopped stroking him in order to pull Kendall's hands from between his legs. Logan didn't want to go there yet, not when they were both under influence of alcohol, not on a late night after an emotional, exhausting day. He simply wanted that sweet release and fall asleep in Kendall's arms.

Logan tried to get back into it, to move his hand in time with Kendall's and sink back into the thoughtless pleasure. Kendall hugged him closely and he was lured into a false sense of security as they kissed, but the next time Kendall tried he made no effort to distract Logan and moved the hand from his hard-on further down. For the first time Logan felt trapped laying in Kendall's arms and he had a hard time breaking their kiss. "Stop, please," He whispered, pushing against Kendall's chest to get away.

Kendall seemed to be made of stone; he was unmovable and unhearing on his quest to get inside Logan. His fingers brushed along his hole and Logan froze in fear. This was a bad dream, a hallucination from his lack of sleep over the last couple weeks, Kendall wasn't like Julian. But that wasn't true and this was a déjà vu, as Julian had tried to get to him in exactly the same way.

Logan pulled his arm back as far as he could and elbowed Kendall in his chest. Kendall groaned and curled in on himself and Logan used his distraction to get out of bed. He was trembling, his body was covered in cold sweat and he was dizzy with nausea. His stomach heaved, but nothing came out and Logan retched a few more times before he determined nothing was coming.

_ He screwed up. _

Slowly, Logan stumbled his way to his own bed and pulled the duvet all the way over his head in a pitiful effort to hide from the world. His thoughts were swirling and his mouth tasted disgustingly sour and dry and all he could think of were the wrong hands holding him down, sliding down his body, touching him there.

If Logan still held a glimmer of hope before, he had just destroyed the last of it.

"Fuck," Kendall murmured, his voice hoarse. Logan listened closely as he uttered more words. He stumbled out of bed and seconds later Logan heard him throw up in their trash can. Logan's chest clenched as Kendall emptied his stomach of a night's worth of alcohol and food. Kendall finished several minutes later and breathed deeply to calm his stomach.

"No. Oh god," He whispered. "No, no, no."

Logan squeezed his eyes shut to keep his tears at bay, but remained curled up below his blanket.

"Logan..."

The misery in Kendall's voice sliced through his heart. Logan deserved it. This was his fault, all his fault.

The mattress creaked quietly as Kendall sank back on the other bed. He breathed deeply for a while longer, seemingly unable to calm himself down, but eventually his breaths turned into snores.

Only then Logan allowed his tears to come. If he had just been honest with Kendall and told him about what Julian did to him Kendall would never have pushed him like he did tonight. Logan had pushed his perfect, wonderful, amazing boyfriend to his limits the last few weeks. He kept secrets, he kept quiet, shut him out, and Kendall had accepted it all so easily. Kendall stayed close to him and supported him and was so, so gentle and considerate.

Tonight Kendall needed him. Logan had a chance to repay some of his immense dept and help his partner out. He had an opportunity to salvage his relationship.

But Logan denied him and doubled down by punching him.

Logan fucked up. He lost the best thing that ever happened to him. Tomorrow morning Kendall would wake up and realise what a train wreck he was. Logan hurt him, and everyone around him, and Kendall deserved better.

His body shook in effort not to cry out and he bit down on his hand hard to keep in the noise. Kendall was everything to him, and Logan just lost him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was hard to write. I draw a lot from my own experience, and while I've known situations like described in the story, I'm in such a good place right now I'm not sure if I got the emotion right. I'm going with it though, since I wanted to get this up before Christmas. I hope you find this good enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I will try to update this once a week. I have four chapters written that I will edit before I post, and maybe two or three chapters left to write. I will change perspectives throughout the story, likely every other chapter.


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